TEL AVIV – The Mideast Beast has recently discovered that The World Health Organization (WHO) has added high levels of Valium to Israelis’ and Palestinians’ water supply. If true, the move is a serious breach of national security and of international law, with some claiming it’s a form of chemical warfare. Yet, no one in Israel or Palestine seems bothered by the move. WHO spokeswoman, Dr. Jamie Gagglenuts, delivered an official and concise statement on why the WHO took such drastic steps: “the unofficial consensus within the WHO is that you nut bags need to calm the fuck down!”
Valium is widely used for, among others, helping with anxiety and panic disorders.
According to a leading medical journal based out of Mongolia, just over 99.99% of all Israelis either take or need to take Valium; the PA has not released figures on how many Palestinians chomp on the ‘chill pill’.
Gagglenuts informed both Israelis and Palestinians not to be alarmed if they experience the following effects:
- The repetitive use of “It’s all good”
- A decrease in complaining – an atypical sensation for both sides
- No desire to shoot missiles, mortars, or Molotov cocktails at people’s faces
- No desire to detonate oneself or randomly stab other people in the neck
- An increase in blasphemous thoughts, such as “Peace Treaty?”