The American Left has lost its pre-eminent thinker, as The Atlantic national correspondent Ta-Nehisi Coates has been discovered to be a Russian bot programmed to write 10,000-word essays tying the day’s lead news item to slavery and segregation.
“It was quite simple, really,” Alexei Sokolov, a 26-year-old programmer from Novosibirsk, told The Mideast Beast. “We just programmed 15,000 pages of Howard Zinn books into the bot, and trained it to plug in the day’s top trending topic using the linguistic structure of a college freshman trying to hit his word count.”
The bot’s popularity exceeded its programmers’ expectations, writing two bestselling books and winning a MacArthur Genius Grant. But a glitch in the bot’s algorithm led it to confuse trending topics and promoted advertisements.
“Mentos: The Freshmaker! is Nat Turner’s dying yell. Mentos: The Freshmaker! is Martin Luther King’s stoic words landing on deaf white ears. Mentos: The Freshmaker! is Leonardo DiCaprio holding his Best Actor Oscar while Will Smith and Michael B. Jordan stare vacantly into their Panasonic high-definition televisions, tears forming in the corners of their eyes,” the resulting article read.
Coates’ readers had mixed reactions, with some die-hard fans demanding a boycott of the popular mints. Soon, however, even his most loyal fans acknowledged something was off, as a reverse search of Coates’ photo revealed him to be an actor in stock images.
“I should have known something was up when he wrote 5,000 words about Kanye West, or when he compared Taylor Swift’s last single to ‘the cackling laugh of Jefferson Davis’ ghost as he chases Frederick Douglas’ spirit out of Starbucks’,” admitted film critic AO Scott, a Coates devotee.
Coates’ downfall delighted his conservative critics. Their joy did not last long, however, as minutes later it was revealed that New York Times columnist Bari Weiss is simply Bret Stephens in drag.