The rattle of gunfire and blaring of Alpine horns are piercing the night as the battle for the city of Zurich in northern Switzerland is entering its third day. The city is occupied by FIFA, a rogue terrorist organization with ties to global dictators and Middle Eastern royalty, backed by $1.4 billion in cash reserves despite calling itself ‘non-profit’, and headed by a bloodthirsty tyrant who is seen by his followers as a godlike religious figure. As the battle rages on, FIFA’s advance has been halted on the outskirts of Zurich by the ragtag and inexperienced Swiss Army.
The battle erupted Wednesday morning when US Special Forces took over a luxury hotel in Zurich and arrested 14 high-ranking FIFA generals. The arrested terrorists are facing a life sentence of hard labor building World Cup stadiums in inhospitable jungles and deserts around the planet. The quickly escalating battle then engulfed the city. US military officials have announced that America will be content to provide air and intelligence support for the local Swiss militias, even as US Navy aircraft carriers are looking to maneuver into place in Lake Zurich.
FBI officials also warned Americans to be vigilant of FIFA’s efforts at recruiting terrorism at home, citing a rise in global extremist soccer fandom that has touched even some parts of the US. The public has been told to notify law enforcement immediately if they see anybody, particularly youths, engaged in soccer-related activity. As soccer is the main threat to American freedom and the American way of life, the nation hopes for a decisive victory against this terrible foe at home and abroad.