The Mideast Beast’s Top 10 Key Steps To a High Startup Valuation

With all the exciting activity going on in the start up world, The Mideast Beast wanted to provide some practical guidance to aspiring entrepreneurs who want to maximize the value of their startup. (We are, after all, the self-proclaimed experts in business journalism.) To do this we compiled a list of actionable tips from prominent serial entrepreneurs, angel investors, and venture capitalists. We then took that list, shredded it, and created our own.

  1. Give your company a slightly misspelled single-word name that is only remotely connected to what you do. For example, if you’re a health tech company, you may want to call yourself Vytals. If you’re creating an app make restaurant reservations, call it Tayste. This disregard for spelling shows that you’re too edgy and cool enough not to give a shit. You’re too busy for a dictionary. You are, after all, launching the next big multi-billion dollar corporation. Dictionary ain’t got shit on you.
  1. Create a product description that revolves around one of these three keywords: Data, Algorithm, Mobile. These terms are so broad that you can bullshit your way through any investor presentation. Ideally, you’d want to create a product that uses all three of these keywords. For instance: Our product leverages algorithmic processing to harness and synthesize big data from mobile applications to provide insights into user behavior and consumption patterns…. Gold!
  1. Pay little or no attention to your personal appearance. Don’t shave or brush your hair. Give off that mad scientist vibe. Wear t-shirts and flip flops into business meetings. Unkemptness is correlated with success, and venture capitalists know this.
  1. Ditch the whiteboard. Instead, write on a window or a mirror. This is a sign of out-of-the-box thinking and creativity. Plus it shows that you are focused enough not to get distracted by the grizzly man (or woman – don’t want to be sexist) staring at you in the mirror because you didn’t shave.
  1. Have a penis. The most famous entrepreneurs have one, and it obviously has nothing to do with outdated societal norms. Having a penis – and size does matter – commands respect and authority from venture capitalists and other potential investors. It shows them that you can the job done without letting your pesky emotions get in the way.
  1. Remove all furniture in the office, with the exception of a few brightly colored bean bags. Not only does this provide a swanky open office landscape that is paramount for success, but it also provides an incentive for employees to be the first ones in the office.
  1. Buy Apple computers for all your employees. They’re double the cost of PCs and don’t improve efficiency, but they sure are sexy – and isn’t that the most important thing?
  1. Drop out of college. Formal education is overrated. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and that guy from Snapchat were too smart for college. Send a message to potential investors that you are too.
  1. Use a socially conscious message to highlight how your product will change the world. Maybe you’re creating an app so rural African farmers can lock in a price for their product. Maybe you’re creating a platform for poor Bangladeshi women to get funding to start their own business and climb out of poverty…blah, blah, blah. The important thing is to tell this story to the potential investors. They are, after all, in this business for the social good. The millions of dollars of returns that go into their pockets are just added benefits.
  1. Be Israeli. Steps 1 – 9 are irrelevant if you identify yourself as Israeli. Many high valuations are based solely on the fact that the founder of the company is Israeli. After all, Israel is the ‘Start-Up Nation‘. If you’re not Israeli, you have two options:
    1. Hire someone who is Israeli to be CEO, preferably with an Israeli-sounding name like Shmuel or Ari, or Uzi if you want to sound really cool.
    2. Get a perm, hit the tanning bed, and lather up some Rogaine on your chest.

 

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