, ,

San Francisco Renames Church of Christ, Saying Jesus ‘Didn’t Show Commitment to Raising the Dead’

San Francisco will remove the name of Jesus Christ from all churches and public buildings after a renaming committee found that the Messiah “did now show sufficient commitment to raising the dead, healing the blind or cleansing lepers.”

Jeremiah Jeffries, the chairman of the renaming committee, also criticized Christ for only allowing a handful of paralytics to walk, as well as his cozy relationship with the Roman government and Judaean governor Pontius Pilate. Last week the committee recommended removing Abraham Lincoln’s name from a high school because the 16th President, known as the Great Emancipator and assassinated by a supporter of slavery, did not show that “black lives mattered to him.”

“Just because Lincoln was shot in the head because of his commitment to ending slavery, it doesn’t mean we should see that as sufficient,” Jeffries explained. “Similarly, Jesus may have been crucified and killed for his beliefs, but the New Testament and Gospels never document him renouncing his white privilege or apologizing for the benefits he received as a cisgender straight male. It’s about time he be cancelled.”

As of press time, the city has also demanded all buildings honoring Moses be torn down due to the prophets alleged lack of commitment to fighting slavery.

Share this article