A study conducted by The Institute for Bowel Movements (IBM) has concluded that many Israelis have more bowel movements than any other people in the world…combined. “I’ve always felt that I was full of shit”, said one Israeli politician, who asked to remain anonymous. “But it’s not just me. Every Minister of Parliament seems to suffer from this, and nothing ever gets done because we’ve got 120 parliamentary members full of shit, all the time.”
Crap, however, is not limited to Israel’s Parliament. It appears that there are even higher levels in Israeli academia. One professor at Israel’s Hebrew University said, “When one views the current conflict through an interdisciplinary approach, mainly, though not solely, via an anthropological, sociological, and biological perspective, we find that…ah fuck it! Yes, I’m full of shit. We all are.”
Unsurprisingly, the main conclusion reached by the decade-long study found the highest levels of bowel issues belong to those in the media. “Oh yeah, we are definitely full of shit. All of us are. Even our stories seem tainted by our shit,” said one CEO of a major Israeli newswire. According to one news anchor, “Sometimes when I’m sitting there and speaking to the camera, looking all pretty, informing the world yet having absolutely no idea what I’m talking about, that’s when the rumbling and churning really kicks in, and I’m like, ‘oy vey, more shit!’”
In related news, it is rumored that the IBM study on Israelis gave The PussyCat Dolls their motivation to write the smash song “I hate my farts”.