Putin Bashes in Skull with Lead pipe: Classic Murder Mystery Board Game Reboots

Desperate to regain the street cred it had in the 1960s, the Clue detective game is undergoing an extreme makeover that will include new suspects, ripped from today’s headlines.

“We’ve been lame since birth control was new,” lamented Angus Mustard, CEO of Hasbro, Inc., the company that produces Clue. “If we stay with the same format, there’ll be no way for us to keep up with online gaming, pornography and Candy Crush,” Mustard added.

The iconic Clue suspects have been replaced with a rogue’s gallery of real life characters: Vladimir Putin, Osama Bin Laden, Benjamin Netanyahu, Bashar al-Assad, Barack Obama and Caitlyn Jenner.

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“Yup, we’ve sold out. We’re also moving the murder scene from Boddy Mansion to the White House, Kremlin, Jerusalem, or an Iranian nuclear power plant. If Erdogan ever becomes Sultan of Turkey, we’ll go ahead and throw in his White Palace in Ankara. My finger’s on the pulse, son!” Hasbro’s CEO exclaimed.

In response to the new Clue and never missing a chance to grab the spotlight, Israel’s subtle as an anvil Education Minister and the man who took right-wing nationalism to a scary place, dropped this doozy: “We understand that only western Jerusalem is portrayed on this board game. Jerusalem is the eternal, indivisible capital of the Jewish People. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to reach the 218th level of Candy Crush.”