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ISIS Plays Snippet of New Nickelback Single, Threaten to Unleash Full Song If Demands Not Met
ISIS’ Public Retaliations Officer and the organization’s Chief Torturer Abu-Hassan bin-harem announced that we may be facing a new tactic. “We have recently obtained a new type of weapon. Our “Long-Acoustic Range Device” (LARD) is capable of damage beyond anyone’s wildest imagination.” It has been confirmed that the head removing-militant group is referring to Nickelback’s first single from their last album titled Edge of...
Nate Robinson Makes Israeli Basketball Debut; Excited About Upcoming ‘Bris’
Three-time NBA slam dunk champ Nate Robinson received a raucous ovation during introductions at the sold out Drive-in Arena for his first game with Hapoel Tel Aviv. He immediately made his presence known, scoring 25 points while showing off an array of skills throughout the game. Head coach Sharon Avrahami praised the new comer, complimenting his big play despite his...
Revised Edition of Palestinian Arabic Dictionary Axes ‘Hope,’ ‘Childhood’
RAMALLAH – Over 30 “anachronistic” words have been deleted from an updated dictionary of contemporary Palestinian Arabic, sparking unrest across the West Bank. Among those culled from Sayyid Bashem’s ‘Concise Dictionary of Contemporary Palestinian Arabic – Revised and Updated to Reflect What A Truly Hopeless Hellhole Occupied Palestine Is’ are ‘hope’ (amal), ‘dignity’ (karama), ‘freedom’ (hurriyeh), and most controversially, all...
Following Arab League Terrorist Designation, Hezbollah to Overhaul Image for Wider “Terror Appeal”
The Arab league recently voted to formally brand the Shia militant group Hezbollah a terrorist organization. The move was seen as a show of strength by Saudi Arabia that would further deepen tensions between the Kingdom and its major regional rival Iran, who backs the Shiite Lebanese organization. Hezbollah Secretary-General Hassan Nasrallah openly condemned the move calling it ‘provocative’ but...
Trump Demands Obama Torture Brussels Suicide Bombers
Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump called on President Obama to use torture against the terrorists who attacked an airport and subway in Brussels Tuesday, saying the use of torture against terror suspects dead or alive was the only way to prevent future attacks. “These jihadis would never blow themselves up in the first place if they knew they’d be tortured...
Amid Low Turnout, Angry Saudi Apartheid Week Organizers Ask, ‘Why Is Israel so Special?’
OXFORD – Despite boisterous Israeli Apartheid Week events held at universities across the globe recently, organizers of an initiative fighting gender inequality in Saudi Arabia are reporting poor attendance and a pervasive mood of apathy among students. “No one seems to care that 15 million Saudis live as second-class citizens,” bemoaned Oxford Saudi Apartheid Week (SAW) co-organizer, Yasmine al-Sharifi, amid...
Egyptian Politician Claims Niqab a ‘Jewish Tradition’, Global Sales Plummet
The Niqab, a full face veil covering, has long been a point of contention due to its perceived oppressive nature and suspicion the wearer may actually be a skilled ninja. Muslim scholars have debated whether Islamic text deems it to be obligatory, while various non-Muslim countries have worked towards making it outright illegal with some even succeeding. Attempts to ban...
Trump Supporters in Israel Angry Over Having to ‘Press 4’ for English
American supporters of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump living in Israel have declared that they are tired of having to “press 4 for English” when calling government offices because their new country is overrun by non-Americans. “I’m sick and tired of seeing all these foreigners everywhere speaking all their foreign languages. I mean Christ, this is America, speak English,” said...
Israelis, Palestinians Agree: Not Enough People Have Died Yet to Make Peace Worthwhile
History. Religion. Who makes better hummus. These are just a few of the points disagreed upon by Israelis and Palestinians. Like a Jaden Smith tweet that makes any sense, one could spend years combing through layers of nonsense for things Israelis and Palestinians agree on. But, it seems that the world has just become aware of another one of these...
After Acknowledging ISIS Genocide, U.S. Mulls Recognizing Pope as Catholic
After finally declaring that ISIS’s murder of thousands of Christians, Yazidis, and Shia Muslims constitutes genocide, the Obama administration is reportedly seriously considering officially recognizing that the Pope is Catholic. “The genocide recognition wasn’t an easy decision to make. It took more than two years for us to conclusively determine whether ISIS’s killing of tens of thousands of these minorities...
America Outlasts Russia in “Last Hand on Syria” Competition
President Obama has claimed victory over Russia in their recent “Hands on Syria” contest during his weekly Presidential address, “My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to confirm that all those years of training at NASCAR races in competitions to win a Ford F-150 have at last paid off. Those weak willed Russians just didn’t have what it takes to keep awake...
Radical Leftists Unsure Whether to Protest AIPAC for Hosting Trump or Trump for Speaking to AIPAC
Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s upcoming speech to AIPAC, the influential pro-Israel lobby, has presented a unique predicament for social justice warriors across the United States, as the leftists have not been able to decide which side to protest. “We were going to post a bunch of comments on Trump’s Facebook page telling him, ‘Don’t speak to those apartheid-supporting Jews,...
Florida’s Jewish Trump Voters Too Riddled with Dementia to Remember What Fascism Is
BOCA RATON – After his resounding victory in Florida’s GOP presidential primary, elderly Jewish Floridians who voted for Donald Trump have admitted that they don’t get what all the fuss is about. Sitting in the dining room of Beth Tzion, Palm Beach County’s Jewish old age home, 82-year-old resident Hymie Rosenberg praised the controversial GOP frontrunner for his “strength, wisdom...
If Elected, Hillary Clinton Pledges to Restore Saddam to Power
Showing how seriously she regrets her vote in favor of the Iraq War, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton today announced her intention, if elected, to restore Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein to power. Fox News mocked the plan – after a quick Wikipedia check – pointing out that Hussein was executed back in 2006. Sources tell The Mideast Beast, however,...
Malfunctioning Ted Cruz Declares He’s “Not Afraid to Say ‘Merry Christmas’ to Islamic Terror!”
At a stump speech in Iowa yesterday, the robot known as Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz reportedly got its wires crossed when it proclaimed to an audience that it “is not afraid to say ‘merry Christmas’ to Islamic Terror.” Cruz’s owners, Republican super-donors Charles and David Koch, told reporters that the machine must have mixed up its pre-set recordings. “It...
To Ease Concern over Iranian Nuclear Program, Obama to Lend Israel ‘Duck and Cover’ Videos
Looking to mitigate Israeli concerns over the recently-completed Iranian nuclear deal, which Israelis fear will allow Iran to build a nuclear weapon, President Obama announced plans to send hundreds of “Duck and Cover” videos to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “While the Israelis have claimed allowing Iran to build a nuclear bomb would leave them vulnerable and defenseless, these videos...
Iran Insists Ballistic Missiles Will Be Used Only to Deliver Messages of Peace
The Iranian nuclear deal is once again at the forefront of the news after the Iranian Fars News Agency reported that the Revolutionary Guard carried out testing of long-range ballistic missiles. Israeli officials are up in arms claiming there is no doubt of the intended use of the weapons, especially considering the phrase “Israel must be wiped out” was emblazoned...
Al Gore: If I’d Won the Presidency, ISIS Would Be World’s Most Eco-Friendly Terror Group
Climate change activist and former U.S. Vice President Al Gore has suggested that ISIS and other terrorist organizations would have been far more environmentally friendly had he been elected president. In a wide-ranging interview with The Mideast Beast, Gore argued that the territories currently ruled by ISIS would be running on a “combination of chinchilla faeces and banana skins” had...
Mossad Agent is Captured After Accidentally Asking For “Kosher Option” On Flight to Tehran
Mossad Operatives are the kind of spooks that are often spoken of only in hushed whispers, feared by those hunted by them. But as it turns out, not all Mossad agents are sweaty, Middle Eastern James Bondses (Bondsi? We’ll get back to you on that.). Like all workplaces, it seems like Mossad employs a few guys that, well, kind of...
Google’s New Super Computer: “Screw the Middle East, I’m Out”
Los Angeles – Tech giant Google announced that their new super computer would be tasked with solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Yesterday, the same computer apparently turned itself off, in a surprise demonstration that the Middle East makes even artificial intelligence (AI) lose the will to live. One source at Google labs who wished to remain anonymous told The Mideast Beast,...