Palestinian Economy Now Banking in Switzerland

Palestinian Economy Now Banking in Switzerland

Reports are emerging that the whole Palestinian economy has been transferred to a Fatah-held bank account in Switzerland. The move comes after most of the Arab world abandoned Hamas and ISIS soared in the rich list. Hamas, who has over 300 millionaires in their ranks, is often seen cruising around the tax haven but if the resistance group is behind the latest move, it is surely a sign of escalation in their campaign of debauchery. “Taxes are capitalist and capitalism is...

Saudi Physicist Discovers Cure for Gravity

Saudi Physicist Discovers Cure for Gravity

A Saudi Arabian scientist has unlocked the secret to creating zero gravity on earth (allowing us to do cool crap like in the image above). If confirmed, the breakthrough could revolutionize space exploration and slash the energy demands of travel and transportation. Al Arabiya reported, “While the Islamic Golden Age’s most lasting contribution to humanity has been the creation of algebra, that achievement confused and infuriated hundreds of millions of people over the last 14 centuries. Ending gravity’s hold on mankind should...

ISIS Bars Jihadists from West Africa Amid Ebola Concerns

ISIS Bars Jihadists from West Africa Amid Ebola Concerns

The Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has issued a ban on jihadists traveling from West African countries, as an increasing number of fighters for the group have expressed concerns regarding the continuing Ebola threat. “Me and a fellow obsessive Koran reader were about to invade this Christian village outside Baghdad and slaughter everyone when the guy just starts coughing,” explained Ahmed, one of the ISIS fighters who petitioned for the travel ban. “So I said, ‘Habibi, where are you...

Israeli Government Joins BDS Movement for Kim and Kanye’s Visit

Israeli Government Joins BDS Movement for Kim and Kanye’s Visit

The BDS movement, which urges artists and consumers to boycott Israel and Israeli products, gained an unlikely supporter, as the Israeli government announced it would be urging rapper Kanye West and his wife, reality television star Kim West, to cancel their upcoming trip to the country in protest of its many human rights violations. “The only way to end the occupation and bring peace to the region is for Kim and Kanye to cancel their trip to Israel,” Israeli President...

Inspired by India, ‘Islamic State’ Wants a Satellite

Inspired by India, ‘Islamic State’ Wants a Satellite

Inspired by India’s becoming the first Asian nation to place a satellite in orbit around Mars, the ‘Islamic State’ (IS) has said that it will become the first ‘country’ in the Muslim world to achieve the same feat. Speaking at the launch of the initiative, IS’ newly appointed Minister of Scientific Advancement, Ibrahim al Battani said that it was the role of IS to inspire future generations of Muslims with such a bold endeavour. “I was watching our satellite TV hookup...

New Poll: 80% of Palestinian Men are Attracted to Israeli Women

New Poll: 80% of Palestinian Men are Attracted to Israeli Women

Indicating a seismic shift in public opinion from just six months ago, a poll conducted by the Palestinian Center for Policy and Survey Research (PSR) in the West Bank and Gaza Strip revealed that close to 80% of Palestinian men want to have sex with at least one Israeli woman. “This doesn’t bode well for the cause of Palestinian independence,” Palestinian Authority spokesman Ayoob Al Kudsi said in a recent television interview. RELATED: Palestinians Are “Just Regular People,” Shocking New Study...

Experts Warn UN: Pulling Out of Yemen Not an Effective Form of Birth Control

Experts Warn UN: Pulling Out of Yemen Not an Effective Form of Birth Control

Like all teen romances, the UN was totally infatuated by Yemen. The impoverished Arabian nation asked the global organization to assist with all her myriad problems; hunger, violence, feeling generally unloved. “What can I say,” said the UN, describing those early days. “Yemen just seemed so helpless.   I felt like a hero. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for her. I was just giddy in love. Like Paradise by the Dashboard Light, you know, we always loved that song,...

ISIS falsifies Twitter followers

ISIS falsifies Twitter followers

ISIS’ Head of Social Media for Apocalyptic Doctrine has been forced to resign after it was found that he had been artificially inflating the number of followers for the group’s main Twitter accounts, with the total number of accounts operating on behalf of ISIS is somewhere around 46,000. At an official press conference in Raqqa, Anwar al-Bibi told the assembled media that he would be stepping down from his post as head of the Islamic State’s Social Media Unit after it was...

Netanyahu never satisfied

Netanyahu never satisfied

Full-time Prime Minister and part-time Banana Republic ‘Seniors’ model, Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu was accused by his peers at the United Nations a few months ago of ‘just never being bloody satisfied.’ “Will he just give it a rest for a day,” complained Ban Ki-moon in a rare moment of candour. “We’ve got every man and his dog dropping explosives on ISIS, you’d think he’d give us some credit, maybe send me a nice note. But oh no, he just starts on...

Welcome to the Newest and Most Unlikely Alliance

Welcome to the Newest and Most Unlikely Alliance

In the most exciting development in the history of the sleepy Midwestern state, the citizens of Indiana found themselves boycotted by several organizations for the morally reprehensible law that allows organizations to boycott those in the state they find morally reprehensible. The surprised Indianans discovered themselves in kinship with several other locales suffering from the same fate: the State of Israel which is being singled out for blackballing for the crime of singly blackballing Palestinians and Iran, which is under...

Iran, US overcome alliance hurdle

Iran, US overcome alliance hurdle

Flush after the success at the UN, President of Iran Hassan Rouhani has said that he is launching a campaign to change the US’ current official name in Tehran to reflect greater cooperation between the two countries in the fight against Islamic terrorism. “It started when me and the big O went down to the West Village to grab some shisha, apparently it’s real easy to slip the Secret Service,” Rouhani told a press conference. “To be honest I wasn’t...

Passover Seder at White House “Not Awkward” At All

Passover Seder at White House “Not Awkward” At All

The timing couldn’t have been better. Just days after reaching a nuclear deal with Iran – a deal Israel says “totally sucks” – the White House held their 7th annual Passover Seder. Surprisingly, the deal didn’t even come up. No one talked about it. When asked about it, White House Press Secretary and obvious gentile Josh Earnest said, “What deal?” Most attendees said they could not possibly see a reason for it to be discussed during Passover, the holiday commemorating...

Former Secret Service Director Tapped To Lead Iraqi Security Forces

Former Secret Service Director Tapped To Lead Iraqi Security Forces

Iraqi Security Forces (ISF) have announced that Julia Pierson, the Former US Secret Service Director, has been tapped to run the Iraqi national security organization. “We’ve been looking for the right candidate for months,” explained a top official in the Iraqi Security Forces. “When we read about the security breach at the White House, the subsequent lying as to how far the intruder got, and the overall undisciplined culture of the secret service, we knew we had found the right...

Exclusive: Journalist Wins Pulitzer In Satire News Scandal, “It’s All A Web Of Lies!”

Exclusive: Journalist Wins Pulitzer In Satire News Scandal, “It’s All A Web Of Lies!”

One American journalist has won the coveted Pulitzer Prize for online journalism, presented by the prestigious Columbia University, for his investigative work uncovering a major conspiracy among satirical news sites: “the stories are not true!” read his final conclusions. The work that won him the Pulitzer Prize debunked a satirical article published by The Mideast Beast (TMB) about Eminem converting to Judaism and moving to Tel Aviv. Not only did the article turn out to be completely fabricated, but The Mideast Beast even made...

Fox News Anchor Supports Racial Profiling White Males

Fox News Anchor Supports Racial Profiling White Males

In a surprise twist of events, Fox News anchor Eric Bolling came out in support of racial profiling white males in an effort to protect US schools.  Bolling said that he is in support of policies that promote additional levels of screening for white males in an effort to keep schools safe from mass shootings. Under Bollings plan, white males entering school would be asked questions about their purposes for entering the building and other additional levels of screening. “Security...

UK Leaders Accidentally Attend Public Execution in Riyadh on Way to Honoring Deceased Saudi King

UK Leaders Accidentally Attend Public Execution in Riyadh on Way to Honoring Deceased Saudi King

En route to offering their condolences following the death of King Abdullah in late January, Prince Charles and British Prime Minister David Cameron inadvertently witnessed a stoning in Riyadh’s Deera Square of over two dozen men and women accused of adultery. “How unfortunate.” the Prince of Wales reportedly remarked when confronted with an example of Saudi Arabia’s violent judicial system. “I was hoping for some face time with the new chap. I really don’t think we have time for local...

Saudi Man Shocked to Discover that Wife is Really Just Two Kids Stacked on Top of Each Other Wearing a Burka

Saudi Man Shocked to Discover that Wife is Really Just Two Kids Stacked on Top of Each Other Wearing a Burka

Mohammed Ahmad, a 44-year-old Saudi Arabian man, has been married for 21 years. He and his wife Sana live in a modest apartment, and have been leading normal lives. Until today when Admad made the startling discovery today that his wife is actually just two children standing on each other’s shoulders. This fact is hard to discern when they wear a burka, traditional Muslim garb that women wear for modesty, and which covers them from head to toe. The children...

Obama Reveals that Iran Talks are Just an Excuse to Avoid Republicans

Obama Reveals that Iran Talks are Just an Excuse to Avoid Republicans

LAUSANNE, Switzerland – The negotiations over Iran’s nuclear program are nearing another deadline with no resolution in sight, and yet participating leaders from both sides seem to emerge from the sessions in an uncharacteristically good mood. The Israeli Daily caught up with some of the major figures involved to ask them about the progress of the negotiations. “Some people have suggested that I shouldn’t personally be involved in the negotiations,” commented a relaxed Barack Obama enjoying a fish dinner at a...

New Yorker defends Lena Dunham Piece Comparing Jews to Rats

New Yorker defends Lena Dunham Piece Comparing Jews to Rats

Despite accusations of Jew bashing, New Yorker editor David Remnick insisted today that Lena Dunham’s recent piece, ‘Jews or Rats’, was neither offensive nor insipid.  “Through thousands of years, people have compared Jews to vermin,” Remnick explained in a statement.  “Lena’s piece should be seen as part of that fine tradition.” Other noted culture critics joined in defending Dunham.  “Lena’s article is a fundamental counter narrative subversion of stereotypes, that deconstructs patriarchal dialectics,” commented Professor of Barista Studies, Ms. Fow...

Exonerated NYPD Cop Hired by Iranian Security Forces

Exonerated NYPD Cop Hired by Iranian Security Forces

After learning he will not face criminal charges in the US, the NYPD officer captured on video applying a fatal chokehold to an unarmed man this past summer has been hired by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards, the elite military force tasked with maintaining order and protecting the regime domestically. “We were looking for new recruits who would use deadly force at the slightest hint of a provocation, and this American infidel seems like the perfect fit,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told...