Israel Strikes Deal Over Death Quotas

Israel Strikes Deal Over Death Quotas

Netanyahu’s is to fly to the European Union’s HQ in Brussels tomorrow morning to discuss an agreement with the anti-Israel lobby on how many Israelis must die in conflicts with terror groups. The quota, which is likely to be too low to satisfy ‘liberals’ whatever the figure, will allow a certain amount of indiscriminate and unprovoked rockets to hit civilian areas in Israel. The Center-Left party, The Zionist Union, has welcomed the move with it’s leader Herzog saying an agreement...

Middle East Fantasy League Becomes Increasingly Complicated

Middle East Fantasy League Becomes Increasingly Complicated

As the Middle East descends into utter warfare and chaos, political scientists and other nerds are worried that all hell will break will lose, particularly in their March Madness daft picks. “I used to be so confident. I knew who was ahead, who had the training. But then the Houthis rise to the top? Total sleepers, I swear!” said one analyst. “I’ve made some mistakes, like calling ISIS a J.V. team” admitted U.S. President Barack Obama, fan of basketball and...

“Kosher Sex” to Rival Fifty Shades of Grey at the Box Office

“Kosher Sex” to Rival Fifty Shades of Grey at the Box Office

The ordinarily media shy Shmueli Boteach, in a rare interview with the press has revealed to The Israeli Daily (TID) that he has sold the movie rights to Kosher Sex for $18 million. “It wasn’t easy to conclude,” said Boteach whilst updating Twitter with photos of his son’s birthday party, “as Jewish sex does not have the appeal one would think it has, even given the number of children we have.” “We also encountered some challenges with finding appropriately Jewish looking actors....

Palestinian Department of Archeology Unveils 1930 Edition of the Palestine Post

Palestinian Department of Archeology Unveils 1930 Edition of the Palestine Post

In the Israeli-Palestinian conflict over narrative history, the Palestinian Authority sought to score a major win today by unveiling a recently uncovered 1930 edition of the Palestine Post. With Mahmoud Abbas at his side, Department of Archeology Chair Iba bin Digga, explained the finds significance. “We Palestinians struggle to prove our ancient historical connection with our land. The Israelis say that Palestine is an invention, that we are just another group of Arabs without a distinct identity prior to the...

Not inviting Netanyahu to the White House was ‘easiest decision ever’, says US official

Not inviting Netanyahu to the White House was ‘easiest decision ever’, says US official

According to one person fairly close to the yoga instructor of a low-level aide to the president, the decision not to invite the Israeli Prime Minister to the White House in March was ‘a really easy one to make’. A few months ago, the House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) made what is known by political pundits as “a bit of a dick move,” attempting to undermine the president by inviting Netanyahu to address Congress. Netanyahu’s acceptance was seen as “a surprisingly...

Kerry Touts Iranian Agreement Never to Nuke Israel on a Monday, Wednesday, or a Sunday

Kerry Touts Iranian Agreement Never to Nuke Israel on a Monday, Wednesday, or a Sunday

As proof that his negotiating acumen has succeeded in ‘serious concessions’ from Iran on behalf of Israeli security, Secretary of State John Kerry today revealed the mullahs agreement never to nuke the Jewish state on a Monday, Wednesday or Sunday. “John Kerry understands the serious security concerns of the Israeli people,” Kerry explained, as he spoke about himself in the third person. “Well with this agreement we’ve done just that. By our reckoning we’ve made Israel 43% safer.” Prime Minister...

Elders of Zion Admit They’re Having Second Thoughts Over Allowing Obama’s Election

Elders of Zion Admit They’re Having Second Thoughts Over Allowing Obama’s Election

Following President Obama’s increasingly hostile rhetoric towards Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, several members of the Elders of Zion privately told The Israeli Daily that they were having second thoughts about their decision to allow him to be elected to the world’s most powerful office. “We were a little apprehensive about letting a guy with the middle name ‘Hussein’ run our most important country, but we figured we’d give him a shot,” said one member of the Elders, the secret...

Britney relaunch in Beirut

Britney relaunch in Beirut

Britney Spears will be relaunching her career in Lebanon in the New Year. In an announcement made through her publicists the former singer and all round party girl said that she would be looking to base herself in Lebanon after she found out that she still had at least three whole fans in the country, beating out Andorra where there are believed to still be two fans. Of course she doesn’t come close to Lebanese porn star Mia Khalifa. Spears...

Is Angelina Jolie Set to Quit UN Following Pull Out of Yemen?

Is Angelina Jolie Set to Quit UN Following Pull Out of Yemen?

Rumors abound that Angelina Jolie, one of the most powerful women in the world, is set to resign as United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees Ambassador in response to the organization’s withdrawal from Yemen. “150 UN staffers fled Yemen’s capital over the weekend. Were the peace talks cut out in post-production? Great, another country with a refugee crisis that I have to learn lines for. I’m tired of doing sequels. See you at Cannes. Ciao,” The actress, filmmaker and humanitarian stated...

Exclusive: Obama Just a Tool of Big Pistachio

Exclusive: Obama Just a Tool of Big Pistachio

Speculation abounds as to why President Obama continues to snub one of America’s closest allies in order to close a deal with the Iranian mullahs. Suggestions have ranged from anti-Semitism to just digging oppressive theocracies, or even that it might somehow be Bibi’s fault!  As it turns out, the reason is simpler.  And it’s nuts. After months of painstaking investigation, The Israeli Daily (TID) can now prove that Obama is a tool of that most powerful interest group, Big Pistachio....

Kerry Unveils “Musical Chairs” Peace Plan for Jerusalem

Kerry Unveils “Musical Chairs” Peace Plan for Jerusalem

Prevented by his swelled head from attending discussions on the Jerusalem crisis, US Secretary of State John Kerry has unveiled his plan to bring peace to the City of Peace. “John Kerry may not be participating in negotiations,” said Kerry, inexplicably speaking in the third-person, “but that doesn’t mean John Kerry has forgotten about you. You’ve said, ‘what would we do without John Kerry?’ Do not fear! John Kerry has heard you!” Dubbed ‘The Musical Chairs Plan,’ Kerry proposes that...

BBC Apologizes for Using Picture of Nuclear Bomb in Story on Miss Israel’s ‘Photobomb’

BBC Apologizes for Using Picture of Nuclear Bomb in Story on Miss Israel’s ‘Photobomb’

From its new London headquarters (image above) The BBC has issued a correction on its story of Miss Israel’s “photobomb” of Miss Lebanon at last month’s Miss Universe pageant, saying the bombing pictured with the story in fact occurred during World War II and was unrelated to the pageant’s controversy. “Earlier today, the BBC shared a picture from a reliable source, Twitter user @MelGibsonFan420, that claimed to be from the Israeli aggression in Miami,” the BBC said in a statement....

Iran’s Supreme Leader to Speak Before Congress

Iran’s Supreme Leader to Speak Before Congress

Earlier this month, Benjamin Netanyahu pissed off Democrats by speaking in front of Congress about Iran’s nuclear program. He and Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner have been engaged in a hot bromance ever since. Jealous and not to be outdone, Barack Obama has requested that Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei speak before Congress in favor of negotiations. “I think people took his ‘Death to America’ remarks last week a bit too seriously. I mean, when Israel says something...

Doh! Israeli Official Lets the Cat out of the Bag

Doh! Israeli Official Lets the Cat out of the Bag

In what can be definitively called one of Israel’s worst gaffes, a senior official appears to have inadvertently confirmed the existence of Israel’s long-mysterious nuclear program. While many critics have maintained for decades that Israel has been secretly stockpiling nuclear weapons, Israel has remained characteristically non-committal. According to witnesses of the error, a senior Israeli official was having a discussion with a group of other foreign diplomats when he said, “Yeah, what can we do about the Palestinians? It’s not...

Confused Canadian Fighter Pilot Bombs Wrong Middle Eastern Country

Confused Canadian Fighter Pilot Bombs Wrong Middle Eastern Country

A lone, disoriented Canadian pilot has inadvertently joined Saudi Arabia in a bombing run over military installations in Yemen held by Shiite rebels. “I guess I zigged when I should’ve zagged,” Captain Luc Forget said after flipping a bitch midair and returning to base. Forget normally flies sorties over ISIS-held territory in Syria with his wingman, Lieutenant Gordy Furtado. “Gordy had had a bit too much Yeni Raki, at some all-night rave in Kobani. He was retching all over the cockpit as...

Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency

Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency

A video released early this month by ISIS showing a prepubescent boy participating in an execution has drawn worldwide derision of the organization’s recruitment tactics. As the inflow of combative volunteers thins, ISIS has turned to the world’s leading source of tough men willing to sacrifice personal health and wellbeing for a vague sense of camaraderie and systematized violence: NFL free agency. ISIS’ marquee acquisition is of former Carolina defensive end Greg Hardy, who was signed to a 3-year contract...

Palestinians Are Ready to Elect a New President Who Will Stay Way Past Legal Term Limit

Palestinians Are Ready to Elect a New President Who Will Stay Way Past Legal Term Limit

The results of a new poll were released today, illuminating the view Palestinians have of their leadership. West Bank Palestinians were asked about their feelings towards current Palestinian Authority President, Mahmoud Abbas. Abbas was elected President in 2005, and was slated to serve until 2009. However, he extended his term and remains in power to this day, which is a weird thing for a leader to be able to do. Palestinians polled expressed a desire for elections so that a...

Israel Defense Force in thrilling tie-in with Marvel Film Studios

Israel Defense Force in thrilling tie-in with Marvel Film Studios

In a move guaranteed to delight fan boys everywhere, the IDF has agreed to a ten-year marketing agreement with the people that brought you The Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy. The move means that from now on IDF operations will not be burdened with such yawn-encouraging names as “Cast Lead” or “Protective Edge” and instead will benefit from much snappier titles and the opportunity for considerable crossover merchandising. Therefore, a newly planned thrust into the Lebanon next Spring will become...

The West Bank to establish ‘The West Bank’

The West Bank to establish ‘The West Bank’

In a surprising departure from the usual subjects of their press conferences, the Palestinian Authority (PA) have astounded regional neighbours by announcing that they are to establish their own centralized bank – The West Bank. A PA spokesperson released an official statement: “It’s about time we look after our own money. Do you know how much foreign aid we get? Well, a lot actually but nowhere near what the Zionists get! Time to start looking out for own Benjamins. Come...

Israel Intercepts One Ton of Radioactive Iranian Condoms Bound for Gaza

Israel Intercepts One Ton of Radioactive Iranian Condoms Bound for Gaza

The Israeli Navy says it seized a ship early on Sunday that it claims Iran was using to smuggle tens of thousands of radioactive rubbers to Palestinian militants in the Gaza Strip. “Electronic scanners detected a floating advertisement for sexual health and happiness,” Israeli Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon said. “The naughty bags snatched by the IDF on the high seas came in a kaleidoscope of colours, textures, sizes and flavors. However, the entire cache of condoms was also giving off...