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Kelly Blasts ISIS and Yazidis for Failing to Compromise
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Kelly Blasts ISIS and Yazidis for Failing to Compromise

Saying that the collapse of Iraq could have been avoided if both ISIS and its victims had shown a bit of flexibility, White House chief of staff John Kelly said the rise of ISIS resulted from a “lack of ability to compromise.” “I know that ISIS was pretty unreasonable in believing that they could kill all non-Sunni men and keep...

Moderate Syrian Rebels are Just ISIS Members in Halloween Costumes, CIA Finds
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Moderate Syrian Rebels are Just ISIS Members in Halloween Costumes, CIA Finds

American intelligence officials were dismayed to learn that a group of men believed to be moderate Syrian rebels were in fact just ISIS members in Halloween costumes. Hopes were raised when a CIA source spotted a group of military-age males walking into a Damascus-area Starbucks in Western clothing. None of the men were wearing ski masks or carrying scimitars or severed...

Special Report: A Bunch of Our Guys Killed a Bunch of Their Guys
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Special Report: A Bunch of Our Guys Killed a Bunch of Their Guys

Military sources have confirmed rumors that a covert operation resulted in a number of their guys being killed in combat by a group of our guys. According to initial reports, a small group of their guys was engaged in the kind of shenanigans that our government has warned against. In response to the shenaniganizing in our territory, our government decided...

ISIS Members Demand to Know Why Terrorists are Stationed in Niger
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ISIS Members Demand to Know Why Terrorists are Stationed in Niger

Demanding greater transparency from the terror group, rank-and-file ISIS members want to know what ISIS fighters were doing in Niger during a confrontation that killed four US soldiers. “I, like most servants of the Caliphate, was shocked to learn that we were engaged in combat in the country,” one mid-level ISIS official told The Mideast Beast. “Is it not enough...

ISIS Claims Responsibility for Killing JFK

ISIS Claims Responsibility for Killing JFK

Following the release of some of the juiciest files on the assassination of President John F Kennedy, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has appeared to incriminate his own organization by claiming that ISIS was behind the attack. “Lee Harvey Oswald was a soldier of Islamic State. He assassinated JFK in a pre-emptive revenge attack, in anticipation of US military aggression in the...

ISIS Recruits Demand “Safe Spaces” at U.S. Universities
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ISIS Recruits Demand “Safe Spaces” at U.S. Universities

Not since we all tried to figure out whether that damn dress was black and blue or white and gold has the public been as polarized as it is now by the topic of “safe spaces” on U.S. college campuses.  Safe spaces are normally demanded by those who see themselves as being part of minority groups worthy of protection from criticism or...

Bored Hezbollah Units Plan Attack on Cyprus to Pass the Time

Bored Hezbollah Units Plan Attack on Cyprus to Pass the Time

Following a decade-long hiatus of the prolonged war with its sexy southern neighbor, Israel, the armed Lebanese militia has been anxious to get some action. “Not all of us have joined the pro-Assad forces in Syria”, one unit commander told The Mideast Beast. “For those of us left behind it’s getting kind of boring. We’ve been waiting years for orders...

ISIS Leader Sits Out Battle for Raqqa with Bone Spurs

ISIS Leader Sits Out Battle for Raqqa with Bone Spurs

Urging his fighters to stand their ground to the last man, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said that he will be forced to sit out the apocalyptic battle for the salvation of the caliphate due to severe bone spurs. “I wish that I could be on the front lines with my fellow mujahedeen, fearlessly embracing martyrdom,” al-Baghdadi said in a...

ISIS and Hezbollah Condemn Culturally Appropriative Halloween Costumes
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ISIS and Hezbollah Condemn Culturally Appropriative Halloween Costumes

In a rare act of unity, Sunni and Shiite extremist groups came together to condemn insensitive Halloween costumes. A joint statement was released on behalf of ISIS and Hezbollah shunning Americans who engage in “cultural appropriation” by dressing as Islamic extremists. In the midst of warfare and mass murder in Syria, cultural sensitivity remains a heated issue in the greater...

Harvey Weinstein to Represent Hollywood at UN; Appointed to Human Rights Council

Harvey Weinstein to Represent Hollywood at UN; Appointed to Human Rights Council

Earlier today, Saudi representative to the Human Rights Council, Abdulaziz Alwasil, welcomed Harvey Weinstein’s appointment as Hollywood’s representative to the UN human rights body. In a statement, Alwasil said that his long and illustrious career of complete disregard for the rights of the women around him made him “a perfect fit for the council”. The allegations of rampant sexual misconduct...

Iran Not Sure What Year to Set for Israel’s Doomsday Clock
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Iran Not Sure What Year to Set for Israel’s Doomsday Clock

On Friday, President Trump announced his refusal to recertify the Iran deal shortly before kicking it to Congress. Taking place shortly after the US and Israel pulled out of UNESCO, Iranian officials are now unsure when Israel will finally meet its end. “The US is really ramping things up ensuring we definitely will not be able to carry out our...

Alt-Right Dumps Trump, Sends Peace Envoy to Iran

Alt-Right Dumps Trump, Sends Peace Envoy to Iran

In a dramatic political shift, leaders and pundits of the “Alt-Right” movement have severed ties with President Donald Trump in favor of diplomatic relations with Iran. The break comes after a series of discussions on Trump’s true motives and stances on Israel. “I guess he wasn’t kidding about supporting Israel, we sort of thought he was just lying to get...

ISIS Leader Alleges: “Harvey Weinstein Touched Me”
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ISIS Leader Alleges: “Harvey Weinstein Touched Me”

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, a tearful Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, has allegedly claimed that Harvey Weinstein touched him inappropriately. This comes amidst a new wave of accusations against the powerful Hollywood producer. The account provided by al-Baghdadi was harrowing: “He invited me into his office to talk about a biopic of my life....

Bernie Sanders Successfully Negotiates Termination of Iranian Nuclear Program
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Bernie Sanders Successfully Negotiates Termination of Iranian Nuclear Program

In a shocking turn of events U.S. Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders has succeeded in doing what no other U.S. politician could: diplomatically ending the Iranian Nuclear Program. Bernie explained in a recent CNN interview. “I got the idea from watching the very funny program, Curb Your Enthusiasm. So, I decided to contact my local Iranian consul. If Larry David...

Fatah and Hamas Reconcile After Couple’s Therapy

Fatah and Hamas Reconcile After Couple’s Therapy

Couple’s therapy was responsible for the reconciliation of the two dominant Palestinian factions, Fatah and Hamas, The Mideast Beast can reveal. Egyptian President el-Sisi lured Mahmoud Abbas, the Chairman of Fatah, and Ismail Haniyeh, the Chief of the Political Bureau of Hamas, to a luxury spa in Cairo with the promise of a “well-deserved holiday”. They were both shocked to...

UNESCO Responds to US Exit with 77 Anti-Israel Resolutions

UNESCO Responds to US Exit with 77 Anti-Israel Resolutions

A meeting held by UNESCO’s General Conference to address President Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the agency ended with the conference passing nearly 80 resolutions condemning Israel and the Jewish people. “We really aren’t sure how it happened,” Director-General Irina Bokova admitted. “We opened up the debate to discuss the loss of US support, and the next thing...

Israel Tried to Coax Palestinians Into Signing up to Lame Organizations to Distract Them From Joining Interpol

Israel Tried to Coax Palestinians Into Signing up to Lame Organizations to Distract Them From Joining Interpol

In anticipation of the Palestinians’ successful bid to become a member of the International Police Organization, Interpol, Israel has tried to coax them into signing up to other intergovernmental bodies instead. “We thought that if they could be enticed by invitations to join lame groups nobody could give a shit about they might get distracted and drop the whole Interpol...

Trump University Fails to Take-Off in the Middle East

Trump University Fails to Take-Off in the Middle East

Despite having been only open for one semester, Trump University (Baghdad Campus) is permanently shutting its doors. The university, the first of its kind in the Middle East, which offered courses like “Locking Her Up, Saddam Style,” “Flipping Properties Under Siege,” and “International Sanctions, Taxes, and What You Can Do About It,” hasn’t quite resonated with the local population. Shopkeeper,...