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“Screw Israel,” Says Obama In Microphone Gaffe
Today, U.S. President Barack Obama made clear his true feelings for the Jewish State, albeit accidentally. Prior to speaking to the press at a White House event, unaware that his microphone was on, Obama was overheard voicing his disdain for Israel. This article is fake, and if you share it as if it were real, it means you didn’t read...
Dead Sea Monster Cowering in Last Remaining Pool of Water
After a long anticipated wait, the Dead Sea has finally evaporated Tuesday. All but one remaining pool of water has disappeared, leaving a scared and helpless “Nessiestein” cowering in fear. Nessiestein, the Dead Sea monster, is a distant relative of the more famous Nessie of Loch Ness, and has inhabited the Dead Sea region for Millennia. However, prospects for Nessiestein’s...
Tel Aviv Gay Pride Parade Causes Mass Confusion Amongst Americans
Tel Aviv, Israel – The annual Tel Aviv Gay Pride Parade caused mass confusion and pandemonium last week as a group of 120 Americans of all ages, and incidentally all named Gail, came as a group to participate. “I believe we may have made a horrible mistake”, exclaimed Gail O’keefe of Orlando, Florida. “We were told it was a Gail Pride...
Iran Suspected of Hacking into CIA Website and Planting Funny Computer Virus
Cybercriminals from the Islamic Republic of Iran have allegedly stolen tens of thousands of documents related to the country’s nuclear weapons capabilities from the Central Intelligence Agency. Even more disturbing, the computer pirates wanted the United States to know that its security had been violated. According to a shadowy figure with a Charlie Chaplin-esque mustache and reported ties to Iran’s...
Thousands of Israelis Flee to Turkey to Escape Any More Talk about Bombing Iran
Approximately 10,000 Israelis beating a hasty retreat from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s nonstop threats to attack Iran’s nuclear facilities have crossed into Turkey, the United Nations refugee agency said Tuesday. “Damn straight I’m a refugee. I woke up at three in the morning just to watch Game 6 of the NBA Finals. Just as LeBron James is driving to the basket, a news...
NBA Finals: Anti-Semitic Conspiracy?
Concerns are rising among sports commentators as well as Jewish community mavens regarding the loss of the Cleveland Cavaliers at the 2015 NBA finals. Cavaliers coach David Blatt, who had immigrated to Israel in 1981, is pretty much a national hero in his adoptive country and calls himself “a proud Jew, Israeli and Pez dispensers collector”. However, the loss of...
Israel Defense Force Commits Crimes Against Israeli Population, says Attorney
Photo: The Israeli Daily cannot confirm if these were the chairs stolen by IDF soldiers. A complaint was logged with the International Criminal Court today about War Crimes committed by the Israel Defense Force (IDF) against the Israeli population during last summer’s Gaza War. The complaint came as the scale of the theft of chairs and umbrellas from cafes and...
Radical Offshoot of Obama Administration Actively Building Centrifuges in Iran
While negotiations between the U.S. and Iran over the latter’s nuclear program near a key deadline, one radical splinter group of former Obama administration officials has taken matters into its own hands, sneaking into Iran to work on improving the country’s nuclear infrastructure. The group, which calls itself “Right to Enrich,” (RTE) broke off from the U.S. government after growing...
BDS Movement Honors Orthodox Rabbi for Achievements in BDS’ing
STOCKHOLM – At the fifth annual BDS Movement Award Show, the Swedish Academy for Political Hypocrisy, which hosted the event, gave the lifetime achievement award to the long-deserving ultra-orthodox Rabbi Ben Schmuck of Halamish, an orthodox Jewish settlement in the West Bank. The academy noted Schmuck’s many years of ideological leadership and dedication to the BDS cause. Academy chairman Ike A. Meatballsson...
Mossad Admits that Israel’s Days are Numbered After Shoe-Stealing Scheme Exposed
Mossad officials acknowledged Sunday that the future of the Jewish state is in jeopardy after British activist Asghar Bukhari exposed the agency’s long-running practice of stealing the shoes of political opponents. “While I’m not usually one to admit defeat, I would recommend all Israeli Jews start looking for another country to obtain citizenship,” the Mossad official told The Israeli Daily....
Sauron Relinquishes “The One Ring” to ISIS
Sauron, Ruler of Mordor and oppressor of the free peoples of Middle Earth has relinquished ‘The One Ring’ to ISIS this past week “because let’s be honest, they are doing a much better job than I am.” While Sauron has done little to further his goals of irrevocable hatred and genocidal totalitarianism, ISIS has excelled in reaching both those goals....
McCain Furious at Obama’s Refusal to Strike Lifetime Network Over Cancelling Matlock Reruns
After Lifetime television rebuffed Senator John McCain’s demand that the cable network either restore Matlock to their schedule or suffer a brutal military response, the Senator ordered the military to make good on his threat. “I told the guy who answered the phone at the Pentagon that I need them to launch an attack on a cable network in New...
United Nations Condemns All Past, Present, Future Israeli Actions
The United Nations Security Council (UNSC) passed a resolution earlier today stating that any and all Israeli military action constitutes war crimes. What separates this resolution from the overwhelming number of resolutions already condemning the Jewish State is that it appears to be all encompassing. “In case anyone hasn’t noticed, we just waste so much of our time singling out...
Frustrated Iran Having Hard Time Telling Americans They’re Not Interested in Nuclear Deal
After months of nuclear negotiations with the United States, Iranian officials admitted they were having a hard time convincing their American counterparts that they have no interest in reaching a deal. “Look, [Secretary of State] John Kerry seems like a really nice guy and we’d hate to hurt his feelings,” said one Iranian Supreme Leader, speaking on the condition of...
Middle East Refugees Celebrate American Pharoah’s Triple Crown Win, Beg for Chance to Eat Him
Just as over the rest of the world, the Triple Crown victory of American Pharoah at Belmont – the first in more than four decades – was greeted with much celebration in refugee camps across the Middle East. “The way Pharoah sprinted at the end to win by 5 ½ lengths was just amazing” Abdul ibn Abdul from Syria, who...
Only Virgin Israeli Fighter Pilot Abandons Military Exercise, Heads for Italy
An exceptionally horny Israeli aviator on Sunday veered away from his squadron during a wide-scale multinational drill, and flew off with a pack of Italian Air Force pilots to party it up in Rome. “I became a flyboy because no matter what I did, I just couldn’t get laid in high school. Per capita, Israeli aviators have the highest rates...
Palestinian Refugee Problem Solved, As Turkey’s President Builds $615 Million Housing Project in Ankara
Single-handedly ending 67 years of statelessness for millions of Palestinians, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan announced Monday that a $615 million palace in Ankara will be devoted exclusively to housing Palestinian refugees. Erdogan’s announcement debunked months of news reports claiming that the building, 30 times the size of the White House, would instead be a lavish Presidential Palace with more...
Turkish President Vows Military Retaliation Against Kurds After Election Defeat
ANKARA – The world’s only Muslim kinda-democracy held its kinda-democratic election on Sunday. Early results appeared to offer hope to supporters of kinda-democracy worldwide. Glorious Supreme Leader president Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s AKP (party in favor of AK rifles) lost the parliamentary majority it held since 2002, with most of the votes going to the Kurdish HDP (party in favor of HD...
Turkish President Regrets Not Hiring Arab Vote Counters
In the wake of his Justice and Development Party‘s humiliating electoral defeat, Turkish President Recep Erdogan lashed out at many of the usual suspects: the New York Times for “being Jews,” the West, and the Kurds for voting. Yet in a surprisingly honest interview with The Israeli Daily, Erdogan explained that he too accepts some of the blame. “Like the...
Israel Changes Stance From “Nuclear Ambiguity” to “Just Don’t Tell America”
The Israeli government has long pursued a stance of “nuclear ambiguity,” neither denying nor admitting to possessing stocks of nuclear weapons. However, recently the government has pretty much stopped caring, and is only not telling America about the weapons. According to the transcript of a conversation obtained by The Israeli Daily, India asked Israel: “Soooo, do you guys really...