Archives
Analysts: By 2030, it Will Just be Easier to List Countries that Don’t Have Nuclear Weapons
Nuclear non-proliferation has become a hot-topic under the Obama administration, with the President having reached nuclear agreements with both Russia and Iran during his time in office. Despite these facts however, it has become clear that countries determined to build nuclear weapons will find the means as long as they have the will to do so. In light of this...
ISIS to Host Next Women’s Soccer World Cup
In a surprise announcement that caught the soccer world mostly not caring very much, FIFA unresigned kingpin Sepp Blatter announced that the 2019 Women’s Soccer World Cup is to take place in Northern Iraq and Syria. A smiling Blatter addressed the crowd of two journalists sitting next to ISIS emir Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “Abu is a bloodthirsty, genocidal, corrupt maniac,”...
Caliphate in Chaos as ISIS Bans Female Genital Mutilation
With the influx and influence of western female recruits pouring into ISIS held territory across a wide swath of Iraq and Syria to fight infidels and get laid, a radical fusion of thought and practice is challenging the Islamic State terror group’s views regarding the practice of Female Genital Mutilation also known as Female Circumcision. “Removal of the magic button...
Israel to construct Water Salinization Plant for Gaza Residents
The Israeli government will begin construction on a “water salinization plant” in Gaza next year in order to “aid Palestinians, who we definitely aid. Like a lot.” The plant will take what remains of Gaza’s clean sources of groundwater and add salt in order to make the water undrinkable. According to water engineers, the plant will use a revolutionary technology...
Palestinian Leader Appoints Arnold Schwarzenegger to Pump Up Sagging Popularity
Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas surprised his cabinet in Ramallah this morning by introducing action star Arnold Schwarzenegger as the government’s first Minister of Comebacks. “Brothers, the world is sick of the peace process. Our message is about as comprehensible as the new Björk album. Now, I can’t think of anyone, not even Sly Stallone, who’s gotten more mileage out...
Israel Volunteers to Mediate Germany-Greece Negotiations
As German and Greek politicians were in a last ditch effort to grevent the Greeks for grexiting the European greekommunitiny, the mood in both capitals was resentful and antagonistic. However, there’s cause for cautious optimism as Israel, a veteran of mediated negotiations, has volunteered to step in. “We are very thankful for the long history of European moderation in our negotiations with the...
Breaking: Trump Picks Netanyahu as Running Mate for 2016
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu as his 2016 Vice Presidential running mate prior to Republican Party delegates choosing nominees. The Israeli Daily got wind of this dramatic political development after Trump’s limo driver leaked the information while fooling around with Israeli tourists outside of Trump Tower in Manhattan. Sources close to the Prime Minister revealed he was given the unexpected...
Hamas Apologizes for Tunneling to Mexican Drug Lord’s Prison Cell
MEXICO CITY, Mexico – Mexican authorities at the Altiplano maximum security prison were embarrassed on Sunday when their most notorious inmate, drug kingpin Joaqin “El Chapo” Guzman, escaped his cell through a tunnel dug beneath it. The prison guards were bewildered when from the tunnel emerged Khafir Babori, recently of Gaza City, and said: “Wait, this can’t be Tel Aviv,...
X Factor cures homesickness, says ISIS
The flow of young female jihadists from Europe is causing a challenge for ISIS’ chief morale officer Muhammad bin Youssef as his team tries to combat homesickness. Speaking exclusively to The Israeli Daily bin Youssef said that the organization was failing to live up to the expectations of these recruits and was identifying ways in which it could make the...
Disney Flotilla to Set Sail for Gaza
In efforts to put a friendlier face on attempts to break Israel’s naval blockade of the Gaza Strip, Hamas leader in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, has revealed that Hamas is currently in negotiations with Disney Cruise Lines to be a corporate sponsor of the next Gaza flotilla. Speaking to The Israeli Daily using voice distortion technology, the senior Hamas leader said, “This...
‘Soup Nazi’ Replaces John Kerry in Iran Deal
United States President Barack Obama has replaced Secretary of State John Kerry the lead US negotiator in the Iran talks with the Soup Nazi of Seinfeld fame. Speaking to The Israeli Daily aboard Air Force One en route to a golf outing in Florida, President Obama said John Kerry has done an outstanding job as Team America negotiator, but expressed...
Report: Syrian Government Quits Social Media
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has cancelled Syria’s membership on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and all other social media networking sites. “We’re dead, baby. Our funeral will be bigger than Princess Diana’s. We’ve booked Elton John and George Michael who will be duetting, ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down on Me’,” the Syrian strongman tweeted before deleting his country’s official Twitter account....
Matzah Ball Soup Finally Wins FDA Approval
Following a prolonged legal battle, the FDA has finally categorized matzah ball soup as a certified cure for several common ailments. The traditional meal, often referred to as “Jewish penicillin,” has been used to treat colds for well over a thousand years, according to numerous Jewish grandmothers. For decades, the FDA has categorized the delicacy as a homeopathic cure, and...
Confused Swedish Family Mistakenly Towed to Port in Israel
A group of Swedish holidaymakers have ended up being towed to the port of Ashdod in southern Israel after a series of unfortunate circumstances. Having set sail on a private yacht this week, the Bergeson family from Stockholm was excited for their trip. Unfortunately, the group of yachts they chose to follow out of Gothenburg port was part of last...
Roger Waters – The Porcine Roots of Anti-Semitism
New information has surfaced recently, shedding light on what was previously believed to be straightforward anti-Semitism espoused by famed singer and songwriter Roger Waters of Pink Floyd. Waters, who denies all accusations of being an anti-Semite, has repeatedly said that all such accusations are merely “a Judeo-Zionist plot by long-nosed old men to conquer the world and get hold of...
George Clooney Files for Divorce, Flies Off to Join Kurdish Resistance Movement in Syria
George Clooney has parted from leggy, Lebanese-born human rights attorney Amal Alamuddin, and joined the ragtag band of Kurdish fighters resisting ISIS on the Turkish-Syrian border. “I thought Amal would use her connections to help me become President of the United States. Instead, that clingy bitch did nothing but nag me about poker nights with Matt Damon and Don Cheadle,”...
Cofix to Offer Five Shekel ‘Old Fashioned’
After the excitement following the announcement by Cofix that the startup company will open five Shekel grocery stores, Coffix has promised the opening of a five shekel ‘Old Fashioned’ chain. The chain, to be called Cofucks, will begin with a pilot store in Tel Aviv, expand into Jerusalem, cause a series of ultra-orthodox Jewish riots, and end up exclusively in Tel Aviv....
Clinton to Donor: In Next War, I’ll Let Israel Kill 200,000, Not Just 2,000, Gazans
Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton has penned a controversial letter to a major Jewish donor vowing to offer Israel “total” support in its next war with the Gaza Strip’s Islamist rulers. The leaked letter, sent last week to an Israeli-American media mogul, promises to allow Israel carte blanche in any future war with Hamas, including a presidential green light to kill...
Mars-Bound Young Israelis Leave Their Earthly Troubles Behind
Would you be happy departing our blue-green home planet for the cold, inhospitable wastelands of Mars? Would you leave everything behind with no prospects of ever returning home? For most of us this doesn’t sound like an appetizing proposition, but many young Israelis are preparing to do just that and are packing their bags for the red planet. The Israeli...
Iranian Supreme Leader Condemns Obama for Rising World Jewish Population
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei lashed out at President Barack Obama in response to a new survey estimating that the global Jewish population has grown to near pre-Holocaust levels. “You say you want to trust us, but how can we trust you if Zionists have been breeding like rabbits under your watch? I was going to retire to the south of France as...