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Following Major Diplomatic Successes Kerry Sets Six-Month Timetable for Negotiations on Ending Sunni-Shia Conflict
Right on the heels of, what can only be described as ‘truly successful efforts’, to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and force Iran to abandon its nuclear program, Secretary of State John Kerry announced he has set a six-month timetable for bringing an end to the 1,300-year Sunni-Shia divide. “We hope to get both sides to the negotiating table immediately for six...
Hysterical Israeli Prime Minister Slips into Urban Slang While Describing Iran Deal
In response to the Iranian nuclear agreement, a distraught Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, has been heard in recent days around Jerusalem mumbling to himself and sharing his uncensored views at local eating establishments. “The Prime Minister was quietly munching on a Falafel ball when the news about the finalized deal came over the radio. All of a sudden, he...
How “The Settlers of Catan” Look to a Liberal
Based on serious, academic research, this is how The Settlers of Catan look to a Liberal ...
Intent on Remaining Neutral, Turkey Bombs Both Ukrainian and Russian Forces
Saying it is committed to remaining neutral in the conflict in Crimea, Turkey announced this weekend that it has begun bombing both Russian and Ukrainian targets. “The Crimea war is a dispute between the Russian and Ukrainian governments in which we have no stakes or claims, and we will not get involved,” said a spokesman for the Turkish government. “That...
Dozens of Women Accuse ISIS Leader of Respectful Treatment
The world’s most powerful Jihadist, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, is engulfed in a firestorm of controversy following accusations that he secretly treated females as nothing less than equals for decades. “He encouraged me to go to college, earn a degree and focus on my career. Today, Baghdadi’s idolized by angry young men around the Middle East based on his tough-guy reputation....
Report: Dad Touring Israel Starts Speaking with Terrible Fake Israeli Accent
After the Stein family decided to embark on a three-week trip to Israel, things started off as an ostensibly normal vacation. However, according to Shlomi Stein (the youngest son), on about day four, it began to take a “horribly embarrassing” turn for the worse. At that point of the trip, the patriarch of the Stein clan, Avi, inexplicably adopted a god-awful Israeli...
With the World a Safer Place, Americans Settling Scores with Spouses, Coworkers
Now that the deal between Iran and the West has alleviated fears of a nuclear apocalypse, the American public has largely tuned out news coming out of the Middle East to focus on domestic issues. “I became so obsessed with Iran’s nuclear program that I didn’t even notice when my wife gave birth to another man’s child. If there’s one...
Iran Trademarks Phrase “Nuclear Holocaust” For “Civilian Purposes”
In a shocking move on the heels of an historic nuclear treaty with the international community, the Iranian government has submitted an application for the trademark of the phrase “nuclear holocaust.” Predictably, the leaders of some small countries that have super-obvious combovers have come out in opposition to the application, claiming ownership over the phrase, “nuclear holocaust,” is suspicious –...
Mosque Mouse Creates Panic as Worshippers Prayed for Destruction of Israel
Was it a sign from the God of Israel? Or the hand of Mossad? Doesn’t matter much. The trauma and psychological damage is done, as approximately 80 people were injured in a mad dash set off when a mouse was spotted at a mosque full of worshippers in Morocco. “First of all, the mouse wasn’t spotted. It was mousy-brown with beady...
Arafat Really Hoping Khamenei Wins Nobel Peace Prize
After more than 20 years of being ridiculed as the worst Nobel Peace Prize recipient in memory, former Palestinian Authority President Yasser Arafat admitted he was really hoping Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei would win the award this year and take over that distinction. “Do you know how tiring it gets being the stereotype of a bad Nobel Peace Prize...
Iran Claims Nuclear Program For “Civilian Purposes,” Causing Civilians Worldwide to Panic
For years, the Iranian regime has been accused of developing a nuclear program for aggressive purposes. There appears to be ample evidence that this endeavor is taking place, and the intelligence agencies of various countries seem to agree on this fact. However, for as long as these claims have been made, Iran has countered by saying that any nuclear activities...
Gaza Underground Tours a Big Hit With Israelis
Terror tunnels? Or man caves? In an effort to calm ongoing tensions along the Israeli-Gazan border, a joint venture with Hamas’ Board of Tourism and Zionist startup 2waystreet is operating exclusive summer tunnel tours. From now until rainy season or rocket season, whichever comes first, Gaza has opened its sophisticated network of military tunnels to the public. Tourists and sightseeing...
After Tearing Down Confederate Banner Activists Turn to Israeli Flag
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Liberal advocacy groups (and conservative groups smart enough to pick their fights) scored a major victory last week as the South Carolina state legislature voted to remove the Confederate Battle Flag from the State Capitol. After toasting their achievement with venti frappuccinos, the groups turned their attention to their next goal: removing the Israeli flag from the...
Interview: Tranny Granny Caitlyn Jenner Escapes La La Land to Save Yazidi Women
Bored with flaccid Hollywood, Caitlyn Jenner has fled the glam life for a cause beyond trans equality. According to sources close to the Kardashian clan, Kris Jenner was stunned to hear the news about her ex-hubby. “What the Fallujah are you talking about? Yazidis? I just saw Bruce. Cait. Three days ago in Tiffany’s on Rodeo Drive.” The 65-year-old former...
Toyota Issues Urgent Recall Following Gaza Explosions
Toyota has ordered an immediate recall of all Corollas in the Gaza area following a mysterious set of explosions. A spokesman for the Japanese car giant said, “We’ve had problems with the AC on the 1992 models before, but to be honest we’ve never had a whole bunch just spontaneously combust. It’s a mystery we must get to the bottom...
Massive Addition to John Kerry’s Home Built to Store Expected Nobel Peace Prize
US Secretary of State John Kerry is so confident of winning the 2015 Nobel Peace Prize that he has broken ground on a dramatic expansion of his stylish Beacon Hill property. “The award will be hermetically sealed and kept in an underground aquarium the size of 20 Olympic-size swimming pools. Mr. Kerry asked me to call SeaWorld and purchase the...
UN Condemns Israel for Occupation of Nepal
Following reports that more than 250 Israelis have made their way to Nepal in order to assist in recovery efforts following a devastating earthquake, the UN has issued its latest condemnation of the Jewish State for its sudden occupation of the South-Asian nation. “We are dismayed to learn that Israeli forces are currently using the chaos in Nepal to colonize...
“Accountant of Auschwitz” is Surprisingly Not Jewish
After Oskar Groening was convicted of being an accessory to the murder to hundreds of thousands of people in Auschwitz concentration camp sources were surprised to learn that Groening, dubbed “the Accountant of Auschwitz” was not in fact Jewish. “It’s not like an anti-semitic thing or anything…just you know…an accountant? How goddamned Jewish is that? It would be like the “Rabbi of Auschwitz” was a...
Iran Deal Reveals Obama’s Political Savvy, Plan To Destroy America
Now that a completed Iranian nuclear deal has become part of our shared history, proponents and opponents of the agreement have been voicing their praise and concern. The multinational treaty is very complex and as a result of this complexity, it seems that groups espousing different agendas can find varying interpretations of the deal, allowing for radically divergent predictions. RELATED: Radical Offshoot...
U.S. Republicans Declare Feminist War on ISIS
Speaker of the House John Boehner told reporters this week that GOP representatives have drafted a document declaring a feminist war on ISIS. “We find the practices of veiling and gender segregation to be antithetical to the development of a modern society in the global economy,” stated Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions before a quorum entirely comprised of other men. Due...