Archives
‘End of the World’ Will Ruin Iran’s Dreams of Wiping Israel Off the Map
According to numerous biblical theorists, a massive asteroid, meteor, or comet, large enough to spell the end of mankind is on a collision course with Earth. The disturbing claim along with several other end-time prophecies has created panic and mass hysteria worldwide. Despite The National Aeronautics and Space Administration’s (NASA) attempts to calm fears and tamp down the doomsday prediction,...
Standards Likely to be Lowered in Syrian Rebel Recruitment
As the number of Syrian rebels undergoing US Army training reaches 60 of the hoped-for 5,400, US Defense Secretary Ashton Carter has admitted that standards may have to “drop just a tad.” “At the moment a lot of people seem to think we are a being a bit too prescriptive in our selection procedure. For example, we ask whether they’ve...
Pope Declares Catholic Apostasy Punishable by Death
His Holiness, Pope Francis is set to return the Catholic Church to ‘good old fashioned values’ at the latest meeting of senior Catholic leaders discussing doctrinal changes next week. Sources close to the infallible funny hat-wearer indicate that he will announce that anyone seeking to leave the Church will be killed. While there is no love lost between Christians and...
ISIS to Open First Subway Restaurant Following Jared Fogle’s Child Porn Arrest
Following Subway pitchman Jared Fogle’s plea deal on charges of child pornography and sex with minors, ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced plans to bring the sandwich chain to the Caliphate. “While we have been hesitant to allow infidel-owned businesses into our country, the news that Mr. Fogle had traveled across state lines to pay for sex with young girls...
After Reading Amnesty International Report, Netanyahu a Bit Jealous of Hamas
Following the release of an Amnesty International report accusing Hamas of executing political opponents (among other war crimes) during last summer’s war in Gaza, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was reportedly seen kicking himself for leaving his own domestic critics unharmed during the operation. “While I’m wasting my time and taxpayer money creating bogus ministries and made-up positions for my political...
PETA Begins Siege of Gaza In Response to Hamas Capture of Israeli Spy Dolphin
It’s been quite a few years since the world has seen Pamela Anderson, renowned PETA activist, storming a beach – but that may soon change. Wednesday, Hamas announced that it had captured a dolphin serving as a trained Israeli spy. In response, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), a U.S. based group of zealots activists, announced that they...
Netanyahu Goes to Iowa State Fair
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu flocked with other American presidential hopefuls to the Iowa State Fair this past weekend. The event has become increasingly important in the race due to its proximity to a major caucus, and of course for its foot-long deep-fried corn dogs. While Donald Trump offered children rides in his helicopter, Netanyahu entertained the crowd at...
New Saudi King Shocked to Learn that Women Live in Kingdom
A month after taking the throne following the death of King Abdullah, Saudi Arabia’s new monarch was reportedly stunned to discover that many of the Kingdom’s residents – by some counts more than half – are in fact women. “In his first cabinet meeting, King Salman mentioned that while vacationing in the French Riviera or hosting parties in his yacht’s...
Spy Dolphin Captured by Hamas ‘Part of Zionist Conspiracy’, Says Official
Hamas has captured a Zionist ‘double agent dolphin’, an official stated earlier today to the world’s press. The allegedly heavily armed Jewish marine mammal was captured just off the shore of Gaza. The Hamas spokesperson declared the capture to be, ‘A gift from god – we are ecstatic. ‘He hasn’t said much yet. We’re waterboarding him every few minutes, and...
Jewish Rapper Matisyahu Pulls Out of Spanish Festival after Organizers Refuse to Condemn Inquisition
Jewish-American rapper Matisyahu has come under fire after pulling out of a Spanish reggae festival after the festival’s organizers refused to publicly disavow the Spanish Inquisition. Matisyahu was originally scheduled to play at Spain’s Rototom Sunsplash festival this Saturday. Festival organizers, however, said Matisyahu contacted them this week and asked them to write a public letter or produce a video clearly...
Former Foreign Minister in Critical Condition After 18-Hour Hunger Strike
Israeli Knesset Member, right-winger, ultra-nationalist Avigdor Lieberman has been hospitalized after a nearly a full day-long hunger strike to protest the government’s refusal to increase settlement-building in the West Bank, transfer Israelis of Palestinian descent out of the country and offer him a prominent cabinet position. Lieberman, a former ally of right-wing Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu who finds himself in the...
Special Report: Israeli Merchant Has Deal Just For You
The Mideast Beast is now able to report a fast breaking story concerning shopping in the Holy Land. Normally known as one of the most expensive areas of the Middle East, tourists to Israel may be able to finally come out ahead financially. Just hours ago, an Israeli shop owner in Jerusalem announced a special sale, “just for you.” Yes,...
Massive Likeness of Netanyahu to be Carved into Masada
With a campaign launched to add Barack Obama to Mount Rushmore, the iconic American national landmark featuring 60-foot high sculptured heads of four United States presidents immortalized in granite, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu another egocentric man of the people wasted no time with plans for a monumental likeness of himself to be chiseled into the cliffs of Masada, the ancient...
Joe Biden Has a Biden Moment With ‘Iron Deal’ and ‘Iran Dome’ Comment
Still giddy over Obama’s nuclear deal with Iran, Vice President Joseph Biden was more animated than usual when he met recently with Israeli military leaders over future funding of the Iron Dome air defense system. “The iron deal and Iran dome agreements are good for both our countries.” Famous for public gaffes, blunders and sticking his foot (shoe size 10...
Following UK’s Palestine Vote, Israel to Recognize Scotland
Following the vote by the UK’s Parliament to recognize the State of Palestine last October, the Israeli Knesset has voted to officially recognize Scotland as a state (whether they want independence or not) and demand British occupation of the territory end immediately. “The British have denied the Scots their freedom for too long,” Israel’s former chubby Foreign Minister said in a...
Famed Psychic Theresa Caputo Admonishes Obama For Future Nuclear Armament of Iran
Theresa Caputo, the “Long Island Medium,” and star of her own TLC show came out today against the Iranian nuclear agreement. While Obama has his share of detractors, especially in light of the recent controversial nuclear agreement with Iran, this time, like a lobster with a stutter, he may not be able to talk his way out of hot water....
Suez Canal Expansion Prompts Americans to Ask, “What the Hell is the Suez Canal, and Why Was It So Small To Begin With?”
A new, $8 billion expansion of the Egyptian Suez Canal will allegedly reduce the wait-time for about fifty ships per day, Egyptian officials announced earlier this week. Egypt’s President Sisi unveiled the expansion to great… whatever the opposite of “fanfare” is. Egyptians wondered why, in the midst of economic distress, their leader would spend such an obscene amount of money...
In Support of Iran Deal, 29 Top Nuclear Scientists Say Death by Nuke Relatively Painless
In a letter endorsing President Obama’s nuclear deal with Iran, 29 of America’s leading nuclear scientists vowed that death by nuclear annihilation is generally quick and painless. “After reading the agreement cover to cover and hearing from both critics and proponents of the deal, we can confidently say that having a nuke dropped on your city is a relatively peaceful...
Five Survivors Found in Beirut Trash Avalanche
Protracted disagreement between the garbage collection company Sukleen, and the Lebanese government, following the closure of a landfill has led to the buildup of rubbish on the streets of Beirut. Mt. Hamra, a summit comprised of epic levels of trash in the center of the city, experienced a Class 4 avalanche last Friday on the leeward side. Environmental scientists suspect...
Fox News Poll: President Carter Worse than Islamic State
A Fox News Poll published today will confirm that the 39th President of the United States is a greater danger to the American way of life than the psychopaths of the Islamic State. Carter, raised on a Communist peanut commune, was a draft dodger (before there was a draft), and hid out on nuclear submarines, probably in an attempt to...