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Report: ‘Megalomaniac’ Obama to Run for Kenyan Presidency
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Report: ‘Megalomaniac’ Obama to Run for Kenyan Presidency

With just over a year left of his second term, U.S. President Barack Obama is planning to contest the next Kenyan presidential election, according to a controversial FOX News report. Citing what it claims are well-placed White House sources and leaked extracts of his draft presidential memoir, the 12-minute “Exposed: Obama’s Blackprint for World Domination” levels multiple allegations against the...

UN Report on Gaza War Triggers Existential Crisis for IDF and Hamas
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UN Report on Gaza War Triggers Existential Crisis for IDF and Hamas

A long awaited report from the UN on the 2014 Israel-Gaza War has triggered a mutual meltdown in the IDF and Hamas. The Head of Public Affairs, IDF Brigadier General David Goldstein commented, “I was just putting the finishing touches to a well written and convincing description of the fog of war, decision loops, and how that led to the...

Archaeologists Discover “Missing Link” Between Israelis, Palestinians
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Archaeologists Discover “Missing Link” Between Israelis, Palestinians

Earlier today researchers from Hebrew University in Jerusalem announced that they had uncovered a skeleton that changes how we view human evolution. While digging in the deserts of Southern Israel, the team of archaeologists and anthropologists uncovered what they’ve come to call the “missing link” – the common ancestor of Israelis and Palestinians. “When we uncovered the skeleton, we knew...

Israel: We Never Had a Nuclear Program But It Was Too Awkward To Admit It
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Israel: We Never Had a Nuclear Program But It Was Too Awkward To Admit It

Dimona, southern Israel — In a shocking news conference broadcast around the globe, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu admitted that his country has been bluffing over the last 60 years about having a nuclear program. “You know how you tell a girl some impressive bullshit on a first date and then suddenly it’s too late to admit you lied? That’s...

After Foreign Policy Stumbles, Trump Hires Herman Cain as Advisor
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After Foreign Policy Stumbles, Trump Hires Herman Cain as Advisor

After a series of foreign policy stumbles including an interview in which he mixed up the Kurds and Iran’s Al Quds Force, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump announced the addition of former Godfather’s Pizza CEO and 2012 presidential candidate Herman Cain to his foreign policy team. “Listen, I already know more about the world than any of those other losers,...

Professionals in Egypt Arrested and Sentenced for Doing their Job

Professionals in Egypt Arrested and Sentenced for Doing their Job

Following the shock sentencing of three al-Jazeera journalists the Egyptian government said that it would continue its policy of imprisoning people for doing their jobs. Accountants, lawyers and tradesman are also beginning to be rounded up for “spreading false finances, law and products.” The government insisted that this is being done to defend the people from the ‘sinister tendrils’ of the...

Following Iran Deal, Israel to Adopt Farsi as National Language
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Following Iran Deal, Israel to Adopt Farsi as National Language

In an about-face by Israeli policy makers following their antagonism towards the deal between the United States and Iran, Farsi will now replace Hebrew and Arabic as the official Israeli national language. English will remain an unofficial language, though. In a statement to the press, an Israeli government spokesperson said, “we’ve decided to embrace the Iran deal, rather than fight...

Burn Notice: Prison Guards Release Israeli-American Spy Early

Burn Notice: Prison Guards Release Israeli-American Spy Early

Former US naval intelligence analyst, Jonathan Pollard, convicted of supplying information to Israel has been released from prison earlier than his official November 20 release date by over-zealous guards. According to prison officials, the guards cut him loose despite the possible severity of their actions. “He was driving us frickin’ nuts. Kept playing Engelbert Humperdinck’s ‘Release Me’ nonstop for the...

Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Deflating Footballs

Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Deflating Footballs

Calling it the organization’s most successful operation on U.S. soil in years, al Qaeda chief Ayman al-Zawahiri claimed responsibility for the deflated football during the AFC Championship and for causing millions of Americans to question the integrity of the Super Bowl. “In a tremendous blow to the American infidels, we infiltrated the New England Patriots locker room and had our...

Saudi Women Allowed to Vote But Husbands Hide Car Keys
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Saudi Women Allowed to Vote But Husbands Hide Car Keys

What seemed a monumental step for advancing women’s rights in Saudi Arabia – the right to register and vote for the first time in the conservative kingdom’s history – is more like a baby step with a full diaper. Starting August 22, women were able to register for upcoming elections, but The Mideast Beast reports indicate that only 16 have...

Knife-Wielding Terror Child Beheads Defenseless Teddy Bear
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Knife-Wielding Terror Child Beheads Defenseless Teddy Bear

PETA outrage grows over junior Jihad’s beheading of loveable plush teddy. “This savage, brutal assault is nothing new for these throwbacks. Too bad the little prick didn’t transgender himself with that blade,” noted an angry PETA Panda bear . The newly released chilling video shows an Islamic State punk-ass toddler, identified as the son of a jihadi; maxed-out in militant garb,...

Third World Leaders Congratulate Netanyahu After UN Names Israel Worst Human Rights Violator

Third World Leaders Congratulate Netanyahu After UN Names Israel Worst Human Rights Violator

After the UN’s World Health Organization declared Israel the world’s top violator of health rights, world leaders from throughout Africa, Central Asia and the Middle East congratulated Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu on his country’s impressive feat. The designation has earned Netanyahu the admiration of dictators throughout the world, as the Israeli premier has suddenly become one of the...

Demolished Ancient Temple in Syria to be Rebuilt with Lego Bricks
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Demolished Ancient Temple in Syria to be Rebuilt with Lego Bricks

After Islamic State demolition teams planted explosives which took down the 2,000-year-old shrine of Baal Shamin in the Syrian city of Palmyra, UNESCO has offered to rebuild the first century AD relic using popular LEGO® Bricks. Lego, the world’s largest toy manufacturer, based in Billund, Denmark, will recreate the pagan house of worship using its unique system of patented snap-together...

Islamic State’s Currency Spooked as China’s Stock Market Plummets

Islamic State’s Currency Spooked as China’s Stock Market Plummets

The Dinar (the newly minted currency of ISIS) has depreciated dramatically following shocking tremors in the international economy. It has wreaked havoc in business confidence in the Levant region. The region was left at the mercy to financial speculators and bankers, which even had Kurdish military forces saying, “dude, that’s a bit harsh.” RELATED: Islamic State’s ‘Second in Command’ Shocked to Find his Name on Ashley...

Exclusive: The Mideast Beast Releases Leaked Al Qaeda Job Application
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Exclusive: The Mideast Beast Releases Leaked Al Qaeda Job Application

Recently, the U.S. government released a trove of documents found in 2011 in Osama bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, including an al Qaeda job application form. Through an anonymous source (it was Joe Biden), The Mideast Beast has obtained a copy of this form.   Al Qaeda Job Application Thank you for your interest in joining al Qaeda, the world’s number...

Report: United States to Possibly Supply Iran With Nukes
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Report: United States to Possibly Supply Iran With Nukes

U.S. Secretary of State, John Kerry, has floated the possibility of providing Iran with nuclear weapons from its stockpile of ‘like-new’ surplus inventory. According to Kerry, “This action would eliminate the need for Tehran to develop weapons of mass destruction; cut valuable manufacturing time; do away with all the rather cumbersome problems of inspection and verification, which they won’t agree...

Chinese Caliphate “ISUS” Faces Multi-Million Dollar Counterfeiting Suit
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Chinese Caliphate “ISUS” Faces Multi-Million Dollar Counterfeiting Suit

According to various news reports, The Islamic State has filed a massive lawsuit with the International Criminal Court against ISUS, or the “Islamic State Universal Sales Corp” over alleged counterfeiting and copyright infringement breaches. Calling itself “a cost-effective brand” that offers “Quality Jihad,” ISUS emerged soon after the founding of the original, when potential recruits complained about the high cost...

Iranian Leader Questions Obama’s Citizenship; Halts Negotiations
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Iranian Leader Questions Obama’s Citizenship; Halts Negotiations

Nuclear negotiations have come to a halt as Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Iran’s supreme leader, demanded to see President Obama’s long-form birth certificate before continuing discussions. Khamenei’s decision came after a letter sent by 47 Senate Republicans revealed that any deal signed with the President would be null and void because of a law requiring that he be born in the United...

Syrians Welcome BBC Clean Air Report
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Syrians Welcome BBC Clean Air Report

Syrians have welcomed a new BBC report stating that air quality has improved substantially in the Middle East since the start of the civil war. Syrian civilian Abu Uba commented, “It’s really amazing news. Apparently levels of nitrogen dioxide have plummeted over Damascus and Aleppo. My family’s life expectancy should sky rocket. If it wasn’t for, you know, rockets…” One...