Archives
ISIS Leader Desperately Trying to Return Caitlyn Jenner Halloween Costume After Online Outrage
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is desperately trying to return his newly-purchased Caitlin Jenner Halloween costume after a series of internet comments have claimed the costume is insensitive and promotes transphobia. “When I purchased the costume online, as a gesture to honor Ms. Jenner’s courage, I had no idea I was mocking the transgender community and reducing its members to...
Turkey’s President Turns to Netanyahu for Advice on Never-Ending Peace Process
Looking to drag on futile peace talks with Kurdish separatists without making anything that could be considered a concession, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has sought advice from his longtime nemesis and Israeli counterpart, Benjamin Netanyahu. Erdogan, who began peace talks with the Kurdish Workers’ Party in 2013, said he had nearly given up on the talks, believing there was...
Roger Waters Condemns Life-Saving Surgery for Palestinian President’s Relative Because…Israel
While knife-wielding Palestinian terrorists continue to imitate the less sexy parts of Game of Thrones with Israelis instead of the Starks, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas’ wife’s brother recently went under the knife for life-saving heart surgery at a private hospital in Tel Aviv. The only person more upset about this than the Grim Reaper is former Pink Floyd front man...
American Moviegoers Unsure if New Mad Max Movie is about the Middle East
A barren desert of sand dunes and dust storms, bands of desperate survivors fight to the death over a few last drops of water and gasoline, the roar of engines and the clangor of explosions. This is the setting of Warner Bros’ action blockbuster Mad Max: Fury Road, and also pretty much what Americans see on the news every day....
Thank God that UAE Pilot is Foxy
Remember the UAE Arab-Muslim female fighter pilot and her F-16 Fighting Falcon that blasted ISIS members to Never-Never Land? Well, media outlets around the world were joined in collective relief that the UAE fighter pilot, Major Mariam al-Mansouri is very ‘easy on the eye’. Middle East Editor for the New York Times Peter Johnson said, “let’s be honest recent developments in...
Syrian President Horrified After Noticing Mustache’s Similarity To Hitler’s
According to some report, Syrian President, Bashar Al-Assad spent twenty minutes on Sunday staring at his bathroom mirror, trying to remember what his mustache reminded him of. After squinting really hard, he was quoted as saying “Holy fuck!” “Asma, get in here! I look like Hitler. Look, I Fucking look like Hitler. Why didn’t anyone tell me?” I’ve been on...
Native Americans Unsure About Who They Should Represent In Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is so complex that very few people understand it, and no, Wikipedia doesn’t suffice. Plenty of dummies think that they understand the whole shebang, and in order to try to explain it to people who they feel aren’t as smart, they compare it to other examples. One of the most common comparisons is with the Native Americans....
Israel’s Parliament to Vote this Month on Condemning the UN’s Occupation of Numerous Countries
A spokesman from the Prime Minister’s office made it clear that the Knesset, Israel’s Parliament, believed a military presence of a foreign entity, such as the UN, in a disputed region is not right and that it amounted to an immoral colonization and occupation of the land. “The UN places soldiers in disputed regions across the world citing security concerns,” the...
Saudi Arabia Experiments with Leasing to Other Fanatics
Rabbi Shlomo Yetz of Britain’s orthodox Jewish community was surprised to read the following advertisement in his morning paper (here translated from the Yiddish): “Feeling Oppressed by the Secular World? Dealing with the Godless Getting You Down? Furious About Women Being Allowed to Drive? Come To a Nation You Can Call Home!” Imagine the Rabbi’s surprise when he called the number...
Russian Troops in Syria Just Enjoying a Warm Weather Vacation after Ukraine
After months of confining its Middle East strategy to trolling Obama on Twitter, the Russian Armed Forces have fully engaged in Syria in October with a bombing campaign and a deployment of ground troops. The shift in Russian tactics has left Western analysts flabbergasted, prompting NATO to request The Mideast Beast to investigate the issue. “It’s October now so it’s getting...
British Rock Band ‘Status Quo’ Psyched for Upcoming Gig on Temple Mount
Saying they had no idea that Israelis and Palestinians were such passionate fans, members of British rock band ‘Status Quo’ said they were honored and excited by the wave of demand for them to play on the Temple Mount, one of the holiest sites in Judaism and Islam. “We had no idea we had such a following in the Middle East...
Obama Admits Having ‘Soft Spot’ for Naughty Countries
Barack Obama has admitted he has a soft spot for ‘bad boy’ countries and conceded this is having a negative impact on his foreign policy decisions. “There’s something just so daring about countries like Iran and Cuba,” a giggly Obama told The Mideast Beast. “One moment you’re blowing up the same crazies in the desert and all seems wonderful and...
Netanyahu Claims Hitler was Secret Muslim, Demands Release Of Birth Certificate
In a bombshell statement that changed the reality of the Nazi campaign against European Jewry, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu revealed to the world that Hitler was more or less undecided about what to do with the Jews until he met a very special someone. The special someone was the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem Haj Amin al-Husseini, who, according to...
Abbas Agrees to Resume Negotiations “Just as Soon as the Last Jew Gets the Hell Out of Palestine”
European leaders today hailed Palestinian President in Perpetuity Mahmoud Abbas’s offer to resume negotiations with Israel “Just as soon as last Jew gets the hell out Palestine: Jaffa, Ashkelon, the lot of it.” Swedish Foreign Minister, Margot Wallström, praised Abbas for “taking such a bold step towards peace. Now we can only hope that those genocidal war mongering Israelis will...
Neo-Nazi Groups Furious At Netanyahu’s “Attempt to Give Credit For The Fuhrer’s Final Solution to a Dirty A-Rab”
Amid increasing anger about Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s claim that Jerusalem’s Mufti Haj Amin al-Husseini was the one who gave Adolf Hitler the idea of the final solution, a number of groups have made their discontent known. This is true of people from all ends of the political spectrum including confused pro-Israel groups and indignant pro-Palestinian groups. But one...
Kerry Absent from Temple Mount Negotiations; Overinflated Sense of Self Unable to Squeeze Through Negotiating Room Door
With tensions over the Temple Mount increasing, John Kerry is, of course, back in the region. Kerry arrived in Israel last week, opting to travel in an Ancient Roman litter, carried by four of his subordinates. “Everyone relax, John Kerry is back in town,” John Kerry said, addressing a sparsely populated press conference. He then paused for his scheduled 30...
Dream of Independent Palestinian State Wounded in Stabbing Attack in Jerusalem
At the scene of a grisly attack, medics and soldiers swarmed the scene like bees on a hive. Initial reports indicate that the victim was walking through the streets of Jerusalem when a Palestinian teen ran up and attacked without any apparent cause. The assailant is currently at large, while medical personnel are currently treating the victim, who has been identified...
Kerry Urges Israelis to be Less ‘Stabbable’ in Light of Recent Attacks
A recent wave of terror attacks, many involving knives , has brought tension in Israel to a boiling point and caught the attention of US Secretary of State and 2018 Nobel Peace Prize winner John Kerry. Kerry, who is on a global tour promoting his book “How I Lost Syria to Putin in a Game of Poker”, issued a statement...
Saudi King Furious Amazon Won’t Ship Nuclear Weapons 2-day Mail
After announcing his intention to match any Iranian nuclear weapon, an angry Saudi King Salman ibn Abdulaziz discovered Amazon.com doesn’t offer two day shipping on nuclear weapons. “You know I’m an Amazon Prime Member,” the King told Amazon customer service rep, Tabitha Chablis. Amazon, however, insists that their supplier requires 7-10 days on all WMD orders. After hanging up, a dejected...
After Setting Fire to Joseph’s Tomb, Palestinians Raise the Stakes and Extinguish Burning Bush
As tensions between Israel and the Palestinians grow increasingly… tense, a number of casualties have resulted from clashes between the two groups. Until this week, the only casualties were people – but now, Jewish Holy sites have come under attack as well. The hottest place to be this week was undoubtedly Joseph’s Tomb when it was set ablaze by some...