Archives

Following Trump Wins, Middle Eastern Dictators Vow to Free U.S. from Democracy
, ,

Following Trump Wins, Middle Eastern Dictators Vow to Free U.S. from Democracy

Leaders across the Middle East are calling for the spread of dictatorship to the United States, as the ongoing presidential election campaign has shined a light on the dangers of democratic governance. “While Egypt’s citizens are protected from whack jobs who try to win over voters by bragging about the size of their peckers, in America an orange steak salesman/reality...

Hamas Praises IDF Decision to Begin Using Israelis as Human Shields

Hamas Praises IDF Decision to Begin Using Israelis as Human Shields

Hamas issued a statement today in response to an announcement by the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) earlier this week that they plan on using Israelis as human shields in future armed conflict. ‘Operation Self-Defense,’ represents an apparent Israeli attempt to ‘fight fire with fire.’ “It just doesn’t seem fair that Hamas terrorists can hide behind their own citizens, while our...

After David Duke and Louis Farrakhan Endorse Trump, Other Anti-Semites Under Pressure to Follow Suit
, ,

After David Duke and Louis Farrakhan Endorse Trump, Other Anti-Semites Under Pressure to Follow Suit

With prominent anti-Semites including former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke and Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan endorsing Republican billionaire Donald Trump in his run for President, other noted anti-Semites including Richard Falk and the leaders of ISIS and al Qaeda are facing increasing pressure to get on board the Trump bandwagon. “On the one hand, the infidel Trump represents...

BREAKING: Israel to Split into Zionist Kingdom of Judah, Atheist Queerdom of Tel Aviv
, ,

BREAKING: Israel to Split into Zionist Kingdom of Judah, Atheist Queerdom of Tel Aviv

JERUSALEM – After decades of intractable conflict along social, religious and political lines, the State of Israel is finally to be partitioned into two countries: one ultra-nationalist, and the other hyper-progressive. Meeting in Jerusalem, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and newly elected gay Tel Aviv Mayor Tamir Tikkunolami announced the start of a two-year process that will culminate in a...

US to Open Trade with ISIS
,

US to Open Trade with ISIS

Today, Secretary of State John Kerry announced that the United States would be extending ‘Most Favored Nation’ status to the Islamic State – aka ISIS, aka al-Sham, aka ISIL. “This decision offers us the best opportunity to lay the basis for productive relations with an emerging Muslim nation,” he said at a press conference announcing Obama’s decision. “We see this...

US Special Forces Capture High-Ranking ISIS Beard and Manscaping Stylist
,

US Special Forces Capture High-Ranking ISIS Beard and Manscaping Stylist

After it was revealed that an elite American Special Forces team recently captured a “significant Islamic State operative”, The Mideast Beast has received new and surprising  information regarding the identity and role of the detainee, Mohammed Al-Hirsute. Al-Hirsute is believed to be the main beard stylist – and expert manscaper – for ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, claiming to have...

Ted Cruz: “Barack Obama Doesn’t Want to Kill Civilians. I Do”
,

Ted Cruz: “Barack Obama Doesn’t Want to Kill Civilians. I Do”

Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz has repeatedly promised that if elected president of the United States, he would “carpet bomb ISIS’s capital city of Raqqa in Syria ‘till we see if sand can glow.” Undeterred by the fact that Raqqa is a city of hundreds of thousands of civilians, Cruz assured that unlike with Barack Obama, civilian casualties do not weigh...

Libyan Terrorists Blast Republicans for Politicizing Benghazi Attacks
, ,

Libyan Terrorists Blast Republicans for Politicizing Benghazi Attacks

Libyan terror group Ansar al-Sharia, which helped carry out the 2012 attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, lashed out at House Republicans this week after claims surfaced that a series of investigations into the attack were aimed at damaging Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. “While we were initially pleased that Congress was holding so many hearings in response to...

Waterboarding of San Bernardino Terrorist’s iPhone an Abject Failure
,

Waterboarding of San Bernardino Terrorist’s iPhone an Abject Failure

An FBI effort to use waterboarding to retrieve information from the iPhone of the ISIS-linked San Bernardo shooter has failed miserably, with officials saying the contents of the phone may be lost for good. “So now the fucking phone won’t even turn on,” a dejected FBI Director James Comey told The Mideast Beast. “This is the last time I ask...

Syrian “Truce” to Be Developed Into “Truce or Dare” next Week
,

Syrian “Truce” to Be Developed Into “Truce or Dare” next Week

All parties to the Syrian conflict have agreed that the two-day old truce is OK but really needs to be livened up if everyone is going to stick with it. Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov commented, “I’ve personally enjoyed having my morning coffee without being interrupted every five minutes by Human Rights Watch. However, I think this whole ‘not bombing...

Jewish Teen Outraged at How Much Bar Mitzvah Cash He Lost Because of Holocaust

Jewish Teen Outraged at How Much Bar Mitzvah Cash He Lost Because of Holocaust

Afik Levin, 13, should have been having the time of his life at his Bar Mitzvah party, yet instead the gravity of the barbaric Holocaust weighed heavily on his mind. According to witnesses, the Israeli teen was initially jubilant, gleefully estimating how much money his family and friends had given him, exclaiming, “there are so many people here! Between the checks...

Iran’s Leadership Honors Obama Administration, Awards Him the Prestigious “Taqiyya Award”
, ,

Iran’s Leadership Honors Obama Administration, Awards Him the Prestigious “Taqiyya Award”

In a dramatic move, the Supreme Leader of Iran, Ali Khamenei, announced the winner of its annual “Taqiyya Award”. Organized by the Iranian Leadership, the award is given to exceptional infidels whose actions helped Iran’s policies of supporting terrorism around the Middle East, suppressing women’s rights, and expanding Iranian influence to other countries. Khamenei, commenting on the decision in a...