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International Criminal Court Offers to Take a Look at Strange Growth on Israel’s East Side
Following the announcement that Israel is planning to annex a large swath of the Jordan Valley, the International Criminal Court (ICC) has offered to take a look at the new bulge sticking out of Israel’s Eastern border. The international community noticed the lump this past week, and like any good friend that continually accuses you of war crimes, grew concerned...
Following Trump Wins, Middle Eastern Dictators Vow to Free U.S. from Democracy
Leaders across the Middle East are calling for the spread of dictatorship to the United States, as the ongoing presidential election campaign has shined a light on the dangers of democratic governance. “While Egypt’s citizens are protected from whack jobs who try to win over voters by bragging about the size of their peckers, in America an orange steak salesman/reality...
UN-Hamas Joint Venture To Build Multi-Functional School/Rocket Launching Pad Facilities in Gaza
Amid rising tensions over lone-wolf stabbings, lack of progress in peace talks and increasing frustration over Israel’s blockade of Gaza, and with the region looking well on its way to renewing its 68th annual “Palestinians and Israelis Fucking Can’t Stand One Another” popular concert series, the UN and Hamas have teamed up to equip Gaza with a dual purpose elementary...
Gazan Men Electing for ‘Islamic State’ over Hamas, Says Bored Palestinians
In a development likely to shock no one, a number of bored young Palestinian men from Gaza have grown tired of Hamas. They’re looking for a new, exciting type of adventure and the ‘Islamic State’ provides it. Apparently, life under Hamas in Gaza has grown dull, say some Palestinians. “Sure, we still get to fire the occasional rocket, execute a...
Hamas Praises IDF Decision to Begin Using Israelis as Human Shields
Hamas issued a statement today in response to an announcement by the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) earlier this week that they plan on using Israelis as human shields in future armed conflict. ‘Operation Self-Defense,’ represents an apparent Israeli attempt to ‘fight fire with fire.’ “It just doesn’t seem fair that Hamas terrorists can hide behind their own citizens, while our...
After David Duke and Louis Farrakhan Endorse Trump, Other Anti-Semites Under Pressure to Follow Suit
With prominent anti-Semites including former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke and Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan endorsing Republican billionaire Donald Trump in his run for President, other noted anti-Semites including Richard Falk and the leaders of ISIS and al Qaeda are facing increasing pressure to get on board the Trump bandwagon. “On the one hand, the infidel Trump represents...
BREAKING: Israel to Split into Zionist Kingdom of Judah, Atheist Queerdom of Tel Aviv
JERUSALEM – After decades of intractable conflict along social, religious and political lines, the State of Israel is finally to be partitioned into two countries: one ultra-nationalist, and the other hyper-progressive. Meeting in Jerusalem, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and newly elected gay Tel Aviv Mayor Tamir Tikkunolami announced the start of a two-year process that will culminate in a...
US to Open Trade with ISIS
Today, Secretary of State John Kerry announced that the United States would be extending ‘Most Favored Nation’ status to the Islamic State – aka ISIS, aka al-Sham, aka ISIL. “This decision offers us the best opportunity to lay the basis for productive relations with an emerging Muslim nation,” he said at a press conference announcing Obama’s decision. “We see this...
GPS Phone App with Crap Sense of Humor Sends Israeli Soldiers into Palestinian Town
After clashes caused by soldiers following their Waze navigation app into a Palestinian refugee camp, Israel Defense Forces (IDF) leadership have banned the use of all smartphone apps. Head of “Ways for the Guys and Girls to Kill Time Whilst on Tedious Operations”, IDF General Fluffberg told The Mideast Beast; “This latest cock-up is really the final straw for us. It’s a...
Animosity Growing between “Good” State Sponsor of Terrorism and “Bad” State Sponsor of Terrorism
Two Islamic superpowers are officially catfighting on the global stage in the newest Cold War. Following the execution of a popular Shiite cleric in Saudi Arabia, Iran and the Saudi Kingdom have cut ties faster than a speeding bullet. The two nations represent the two largest sects (that’s “sects,” not “sex,” you bunch of perverts) of Islam, Sunni and Shia....
US Special Forces Capture High-Ranking ISIS Beard and Manscaping Stylist
After it was revealed that an elite American Special Forces team recently captured a “significant Islamic State operative”, The Mideast Beast has received new and surprising information regarding the identity and role of the detainee, Mohammed Al-Hirsute. Al-Hirsute is believed to be the main beard stylist – and expert manscaper – for ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, claiming to have...
Ted Cruz: “Barack Obama Doesn’t Want to Kill Civilians. I Do”
Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz has repeatedly promised that if elected president of the United States, he would “carpet bomb ISIS’s capital city of Raqqa in Syria ‘till we see if sand can glow.” Undeterred by the fact that Raqqa is a city of hundreds of thousands of civilians, Cruz assured that unlike with Barack Obama, civilian casualties do not weigh...
Pro-Khamenei Candidates Top Other Pro-Khamenei Candidates in Free and Fair Iranian Elections
In an historic vote to decide the future of the country, Iran’s “Khamenei is the Greatest” party gained a majority in parliament in a narrow victory over the country’s “Long Live Khamenei” party, with all other parties disqualified before the voting began. “This vote proves that Iran is a model democracy that Thomas Jefferson himself would envy,” U.S. Secretary of...
Trump: “Sanders Only Candidate Around When Hitler Was Alive and Did Nothing to Stop Him. I Would Have!”
As the specter of a Trump Presidency creeps nearer and nearer, stinky and unwanted, like the aftermath of an especially beany taco Tuesday, the Orange American is keeping his foot on the gas. Many had predicted that if The Donald even made it this far, he would have to tone down his rhetoric. But that clearly isn’t the case, as...
Libyan Terrorists Blast Republicans for Politicizing Benghazi Attacks
Libyan terror group Ansar al-Sharia, which helped carry out the 2012 attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, lashed out at House Republicans this week after claims surfaced that a series of investigations into the attack were aimed at damaging Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. “While we were initially pleased that Congress was holding so many hearings in response to...
Waterboarding of San Bernardino Terrorist’s iPhone an Abject Failure
An FBI effort to use waterboarding to retrieve information from the iPhone of the ISIS-linked San Bernardo shooter has failed miserably, with officials saying the contents of the phone may be lost for good. “So now the fucking phone won’t even turn on,” a dejected FBI Director James Comey told The Mideast Beast. “This is the last time I ask...
Syrian “Truce” to Be Developed Into “Truce or Dare” next Week
All parties to the Syrian conflict have agreed that the two-day old truce is OK but really needs to be livened up if everyone is going to stick with it. Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov commented, “I’ve personally enjoyed having my morning coffee without being interrupted every five minutes by Human Rights Watch. However, I think this whole ‘not bombing...
Jewish Teen Outraged at How Much Bar Mitzvah Cash He Lost Because of Holocaust
Afik Levin, 13, should have been having the time of his life at his Bar Mitzvah party, yet instead the gravity of the barbaric Holocaust weighed heavily on his mind. According to witnesses, the Israeli teen was initially jubilant, gleefully estimating how much money his family and friends had given him, exclaiming, “there are so many people here! Between the checks...
Iran’s Leadership Honors Obama Administration, Awards Him the Prestigious “Taqiyya Award”
In a dramatic move, the Supreme Leader of Iran, Ali Khamenei, announced the winner of its annual “Taqiyya Award”. Organized by the Iranian Leadership, the award is given to exceptional infidels whose actions helped Iran’s policies of supporting terrorism around the Middle East, suppressing women’s rights, and expanding Iranian influence to other countries. Khamenei, commenting on the decision in a...
Trump: I Will Keep the U.S. Safe by Installing 19,354 Iron Dome Systems for Every City and Town
Citing Israel as a shining example of a country with strong national security and a ridonkulous military budget similar to the U.S., Donald Trump unveiled his strategy for protecting Americans from terror attacks. “Israel clearly knows what they’re doing. After all, they’ve been at war with Hamas for what, only 25 years now,” Trump told reporters. “Just look at their...