12-Step Program for Middle East Addicts

The Mideast Beast sat down for an interview with the Director of ‘Middle East Addicts Anonymous’ (MEAA), who has developed a 12-step program for addiction sufferers. “It turns out that commenting on Middle East issues ‘like a pro’ is proving to be very addictive.  At least drunks can be fun and a potential source of hook ups, whereas Middle East addicts are simply annoying. We believe that this carefully-designed 12-step program may help with their severe problem.”

  1. Admit you are an addict, and that “breaking news” turns you on more than alcohol (and porn). This is something that may cause you to feel shame…but you’ll eventually get over it. Probably.
  2. Admit that you’ve never stepped foot in the Middle East. And Dubai doesn’t count.
  3. Confess that you don’t really understand the difference between the Arab-Israeli Conflict and the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict.
  4. Admit that when you think of the Middle East, you imagine deserts and camels.
  5. Do not put your faith in a higher power to remove your addiction. Speak to a doctor about the right pills for you.
  6. Make amends with those whom you have pissed off. Take your time; we know the list is long.
  7. Know that these ‘defects of character’ will never truly leave you, but with hard work, you can learn the art of ‘STFU’.
  8. Learn to say, “I was wrong.” We’re actually laughing right now, but just go with it.
  9. You will heal but not through prayer and meditation but rather medication.
  10.  Do not expect a spiritual awakening, but do expect a feeling of “wow, I have friends now!”
  11. Do not ask a higher power to remove your weaknesses. If you’re trolling, you are weak. The best you can do is fight it, and the right meds will help.
  12. Think about all of the people you’ve annoyed the shit out of with your ‘scrolling updates-education’. Other people’s welfare, not yours, comes first. Your welfare is way, way down the list.