Weeks following the attack at a Max Brenner Cafe at Sarona Market in Tel Aviv, an internal investigation led by Shin Bet, Israel’s Internal Security Service, has come to a terrifying, albeit important discovery. “When sugar supplies begin to run low in the Palestinian Territories, an impending attack on Israelis is imminent,” states Yuval Diskin, head of security, referring to the ancient Palestinian tradition of handing out sweets on the street after murdering Jews in cold blood.
“At first, we thought a sugar shortage could be due to an overlooked item on international hippie aid flotillas coming into Gaza, or perhaps an epidemic of diabetes amongst obese Palestinian children who don’t participate in Hamas summer camp activities – but we were wrong.”
In response to this discovery, a tipped off Palestinian Authority has since been in talks with Hamas. “Hamas and the PA have come together to agree on a new budget for terrorism peace. This sugar shortage is unacceptable. The only solution is to use some of our rocket and tunnel funds to build more bakeries. As history would have it, more ovens equal more dead Jews. Only here, we’ll be making some sweet ass gingerbread half-moon cookies to celebrate our martyrs!” states an overly enthusiastic Abbas.
In an attempt to prevent further attacks, the Israeli government has been hard at work in applying collective punishment by leveling jihadist’s family homes, approving new constructions in the West Bank, and forcing baklava into kids’ hands at gun point.