Jewish, Muslim Lovers Flee Warring Homeland to Open Hummus-Themed Hostel in Himalayas

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“As soon as he put his sensuous riot gloves on me, I knew he was the one,” relays a red-eyed, dreadlocked Jamila Khalidi; “I just couldn’t resist that intoxicating mix of schnitzel breath, ball sweat, cigarette smoke and gunshot residue.”

Speaking to the Mideast via Skype from the Parvati Valley in northern India, the 19-year-old former law student recounts the day she met her lover at a protest outside Jerusalem’s Old City: “I realized then and there that I had a simple choice to make: I could either continue fighting the brutal Zionist machine in vain – and probably end up being shot dead before my 21st birthday – or elope with this irresistible brute of a Jew and live happily ever.”

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Seated next to her in the dining hall of their thriving all-you-can-eat hummus restaurant and hostel, 20-year-old ex-Israeli Border Police officer Rami Margalit concurs: “You think I liked spending the best years of my life arresting, shooting and killing people? And boy was she feisty… I got as hard as a Qassam rocket when I started frisking her, and when I found a pocket knife hidden in her panties, I nearly exploded!”

“Fuck that place – we’re never going back,” declares Jamila, “and in any case, Rami would be imprisoned for going AWOL, and my father has vowed to burn me alive.” Adds Rami as he gazes lustfully into Jamila’s eyes: “A plague on both their houses, but a blessing on ours. No more blood and tears – only mashing chickpeas, meditating, bonking and smoking copious amounts of mind-blowing Indian hashish.”