In the weeks after the iPhone 6® launch, ISIS militants are super-excited about using the new technology.
“It’s such a beautiful phone! ” exclaimed an ISIS militant getting into his Jeep®. “The camera quality on the iPhone 6® is unmatched! We can record an HD video of one of our head-removing sessions, and immediately upload it onto YouTube®, Facebook®, and Twitter® in a matter of seconds, greatly increasing our efficiency, and aiding in our fight against everything the West stands for.”
Another ISIS fighter, wearing Air Jordans® and drinking a Coca-Cola®, agreed. “Death to America! I don’t know where this phone comes from, but Allah has given us this technology to help us destroy the infidels!”
Smartphones have helped ISIS fighters communicate on the battlefield. However, there’s a growing rift within ISIS about which phone is best, as the iPhone®, Windows® Phones, Google Nexus®, and other Android-based® phones are all popular choices.
Speaking to The Israeli Daily via FaceTime®, one ISIS fighter, while using Google® maps to plan out their next attack, pointed down to his iPhone® and said, “You just don’t get better resolution than this.” Reaching into his Gap® jeans, taking out his Fossil® wallet, and removing a US dollar bill, he said, “You see this? This represents everything that’s wrong with world. This is what we’re fighting. Name one good thing that Western Capitalism has brought us!” He concluded the FaceTime® interview to attend a meeting at the new ISIS-run Starbucks® across the street, but not before proudly explaining that when he frequents the establishment he pays with his phone, and thus does not participate in the exchange of filthy US currency.