ISIS Loses Everything in Bitcoin Crash

ISIS has reportedly been devastated by the recent Bitcoin crash. The Mideast Beast was able to speak with members of ISIS’ investment branch, Jihad Investments and Security Matters or “JISM,” to detail the devastation wrought by the declining prices.

“We bought at around $19,000 and now its back down around $7,500. We poured 80% of our budget into this crap thinking we could make a JISM value explosion and save ISIS. We couldn’t have gotten fucked harder if Trump had literally nuked us.”

The Mideast Beast also interviewed a member of Destroy Infidels with Cryptocurrencies or “DICC.” He explained, “Those assholes at JISM just thought the market would go up and up, not realizing that the market goes up and down and up and down. But we at DICC know there’s not always a guaranteed explosion.”

Another DICC accountant told us, “Actually, we’ll just blame Jewish magic and hope our Super Bowl bet on that infidel Tom Brady comes through alright. Have you seen the score yet?”