In the wake of pop star Justin Bieber’s engagement to model Hailey Baldwin, ISIS has issued a fatwa calling for the death of the latter on the grounds that she is seeking to “steal and pervert a national treasure of the Islamic State.”
“We’re not only believers in our cause for Jihad, but are, above all, beliebers”, the heartbroken Islamic terror group said in its statement. “Now this Western temptress wants to take the Bieb away from us and we can’t let that happen. We would sooner let Syria fall to the infidels than we would let Justin be taken by Hailey.”
It is understood that some of ISIS’ key political and military figures have long been fans of the Canadian pop star, with some attributing him as their third biggest inspiration, after Allah and the Prophet Mohammed. “His songs are amongst the most played on our official Spotify list. The damage this engagement will do to our morale and to our cause is simply huge, for some keen observers may note that our military success correlates with when he releases a new album”, one spokesman said.
“And it’s not just his music, it’s his deep soulfulness and mysticism that appeals too. His Instagram post on his dastardly engagement, for example, reminds us of the significance of the number seven because he got engaged on July seventh. Mind literally blown.”