This week the CIA and Mossad secretly announced pleasure as ISIS operatives accepted a shipment of Apple Watch gifts from their leader, or so they thought.
Along with the usual weekly shipment of head-separating equipment, top ISIS officials found a box of Apple Watches with a note saying, “Mabrouk on the hard work. Your leader presents every fighter with 18-karat Gold Case Apple Watches.”
Although surprised by the gift, some ISIS members strapped them on faster than suicide vests. “When I first saw that we were getting watches from an American company, I was a little skeptical,” one ISIS member said. “But then I remembered from my childhood how Apple is anti-establishment, so technically Apple doesn’t represent the Western ideals that I despise, like consumerism, freedom, and people with heads.” Another noted, “Such extravagances are frowned upon in Islam. But I like to pick and choose which aspects of Islam I follow anyway. Throwing homosexuals off of buildings, totally un-Islamic but stoning him after he hits the ground, totally acceptable.”
According to CIA and Mossad officials, “All we can say is that this was a joint operation between the U.S. and Israel. We ensured that privacy settings are off, Apple Maps are on, and preordered phone numbers have been set for each individual fighter. Oh, and the microphone is on because who’s not going to enjoy hearing that incoming whistling sound and the ‘oh fuck!’ that follows?”