Iranian Leader: “Iran Needs Nuclear Weapons to Deter Ultron”

Disarray descended in Switzerland following Ayatollah Khamenei’s surprise speech in which he insisted on Iran’s need for nuclear weapons to fight “that nose-less killer robot, Ultron.” The tearful supreme leader explained that he’d previously been unaware of the danger posed by the “mechanical murderer.”

“Last night I walked in on my grandsons watching television. At first I thought it was a bootlegged western movie, which would of course be haram. However they explained to me that it was the BBC.”

Khamenei explained that his heart went out to the people of Sokovia, “a nation of which I never heard, but which sounds pretty much like the generic name of any Eastern Europe country.” What he found particularly surprising was the West’s ability to keep these events a secret from the Iranian people.

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“I do not know how the Great Satan and the Little Satan managed this feat, but I have little doubt who is really behind Ultron. After all, isn’t Stark a Jewish name?” He then went on to explain that while Captain America didn’t look Jewish, he was certain that Black Widow was. “Only a Jewess could possess a tush that bodacious.”

Nor was Iran’s nuclear intentions Khamenei’s only revelation. “Some Iranians who saw that news show may be disturbed by the American’s possession of this so called ‘helicarrier.’ Well, I am here to tell you that you have nothing to fear. By the grace of Allah, Iran already possesses three such crafts. Even more, ours aren’t captained by some one-eyed look alike, but by none other than the original Badass #1, Samuel L. Jackson himself. Mullahs on a plane indeed….”