In Global Survey, 99.9% of Humankind Agrees: “Fuck ISIS!”

An anti-ISIS respondent (center) pictured with her friends in the Philippines. (Photo by John Christian Fjellestad via Flickr http://bit.ly/1Tls7nM)

In a world dismally divided along religious, political and economic lines, nearly everyone, from Ankara to Tunisia, can at least agree on something: ISIS is a cult of satanic pedo-Nazis.

According to a Pew Research Center poll conducted among two million people across all seven continents – including North Korean gulag wardens, Sudanese mass murderers and entirely warm-hearted glaciologists in Antarctica – a staggering 99.9% of humankind agrees with the statement, “Fuck ISIS!”

From terror attacks against Sunnis, Shi’ites, Christians, Jews and Yazidis in places as varied as Baghdad, Paris, Ankara, Brussels, and Dallas, to mass beheadings and sexual enslavement of minors, even 9/11-cheering Islamists concur that ISIS crosses the line of acceptable evil. As one shepherd in Yemen put it: “I’m all for slaughtering Yankee infidels, torching adulterous women and throwing sodomites off roofs, but gang raping thousands of pre-pubescent girls is a step too far – though marrying one, however, is OK.”

Accounting for the 0.1%

Unsurprisingly, ISIS fanatics comprise the bulk of those who disagree with the survey’s statement, along with many in the news media (“there’s nothing like synchronized suicide attacks on the ‘City of Love’ to boost our web traffic – so keep ‘em coming, habibis”). Rounding up the figure are hardline Zionists (“ISIS does more for our PR effort than AIPAC, Adelson and Iranian Holocaust denial combined”), as well as Obama’s ex-pastor, Jeremiah Wright (“No, not Fuck ISIS. Fuck America!”) A negligible few also appear to have confused the jihadist group with Isis the ancient Egyptian goddess, including a history-loving gay hermit named Nigel: “Fuck ISIS? No fucking way!”