In a move likely to scare the crap out of Israel’s neighbors, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) is pondering the use of swords. “A good strategist learns from his opponents. And well, let’s face it, the sword has always worked.” Apparently, the IDF’s international law department is currently searching through international legal documents to find out if it’s even legal. “We know that flamethrowers are still legal, so we’re thinking, ‘yeah, this might actually be legit’” said one IDF lawyer.
However, it has been agreed that soldiers will not be permitted to actually use swords. According to one senior commander, “No, of course we will not allow the actual use of swords. They’re only allowed to pull it out and yell in Arabic ‘chop-chop, motherfuckers!’ The use of war paint and running forward at full-speed should also do the trick. Our only objective is to get our opponents to piss themselves and then scoot like the roadrunner; and for shiggles too, but unofficially of course.”
The UN’s Ban Ki-Moon, or ‘Han’ from Two Broke Girls as he’s often referred to, said, “We cannot allow such methods in modern warfare. Have we not learned from the lessons of past wars?” Apparently the UN Secretary General isn’t aware that flamethrowers, napalm, and lasers are legal.
One Israeli human rights organization is strongly against the idea of the sword, even though soldiers are not allowed to actually use them. The IDF’s law department suggested the use of plastic swords but the human rights group was adamant. “Even plastic swords, you know, like the one my 4-year old plays with, even that could cause emotional trauma to the combatants, which itself can be considered a crime,” said one rights activist. One solution put forward by lawyers from the IDF was airdropping boxes of tissues after an operation to help with any emotional trauma suffered by combatants.
It is rumored that – as inspiration from the upcoming Star Wars film – IDF lawyers are also looking into the use of Light sabers.