After 66 years of testing the waters, the ‘Dionysus of the Mediterranean’, also known as Israel, has decided to officially convert to Judaism and nickname himself, ‘The Jewish State’. The Mideast Beast managed to have a face-to-face with Israel while he partied like a rock star for his 67th Hanukkah celebration this past December.
“For me, it all comes down to tenacity. I’ve experienced the Romans, Greeks, Ottomans, and many more over the past few thousand years. The Jews have simply been the most tenacious people I’ve ever encountered. The Romans and Greeks never prayed for me. Then again, man did they know how to party! Full props to those pagans!”
“Look, I know that my boy Bar Kokhba and his revolt were a real pain in the ass back in the day, but was it really necessary to rename me because of that quarrel? Not a cool move guys. If Hadrian and his posse only knew the shitstorm they caused since I received my new Latin name.”
“Anyhow, despite all the occupants claiming me over the years, only the Jews kept praying for me from the four corners of the earth, and they kept it up at least three times a day, everyday! Not to mention schlepping 40 years in the desert to find me. Like I said, tenacious little fuckers. Plus, those stubborn ones kept me on center stage for over 2,000 years. Come on, when am I not in the news, right? They’re also tough as nails, well, at least now they are, and they’re quite clever little bastards.”
Israel ended the interview with just one request. “I only ask for one thing in return for becoming ‘The Jewish State’; will you please try a tad bit harder to make peace with your neighbors already? I’m tired of getting bombed. Shit’s getting annoying, homies! You know I bruise like a peach.”
Don’t miss Marcus Thunderbolt’s exclusive interview with Israel: Exclusive Interview: Israel in Demand for Hotter International Supporters