Terrorism

Biden Gives al Qaeda List of Buildings to Not Blow Up
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Biden Gives al Qaeda List of Buildings to Not Blow Up

Following a successful meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in which he presented a list of critical infrastructure off limits to cyberattacks, US President Joe Biden announced that he has sent the terror group al Qaeda a list of 16 critical buildings to not fly a plane into. Biden sent the list by fax, stating that al Qaeda would be...

UN Condemns Israeli Farmers for Damaging Gaza Terror Balloons
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UN Condemns Israeli Farmers for Damaging Gaza Terror Balloons

The United Nations General Assembly issued a resolution Tuesday condemning Israeli farmers for damaging Palestinian incendiary balloons (or ‘terror balloons’), which Gazan militants have been sending over the border – along with the occasional rocket salvo – into southern Israel, causing millions of dollars in damages to Israel’s agricultural economy. According to the United Nations, the balloons are sometimes damaged...

After Removing Hamas from Terror List, EU Decides to Stop Calling Projectiles from Gaza ‘Rockets’
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After Removing Hamas from Terror List, EU Decides to Stop Calling Projectiles from Gaza ‘Rockets’

Following its decision to remove the Islamist militant group Hamas from its list of terrorist organizations, a top court of the European Union will now meet to decide what to call the aerial projectiles launched from the Gaza Strip at Israeli cities. While Sweden has proposed calling the projectiles, previously known as missiles or rockets, ‘aeronautic modern art,’ Spain has suggested they...

CIA Announces It Will Fight Terrorists with Hashtags Instead of Drone Strikes
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CIA Announces It Will Fight Terrorists with Hashtags Instead of Drone Strikes

After releasing a new ad highlighting the agency’s progressive credentials, the CIA announced that it will no longer target enemies through espionage, drone strikes and assassinations but will instead focus on the battlefield of Twitter with viral hashtags and devastating clapbacks. The change in strategy comes as the agency looks to boost its recruitment among millennials, who are less likely...

Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’
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Al Qaeda Launches Operation ‘Cough in Public’

Aiming to strike fear in the heart of every American, al Qaeda has launched Operation Cough in Public, with sleeper cells activating across the US to cough loudly in crowded venues. Al Qaeda agents will go to sporting events, concerts, and busy shopping malls and cough repeatedly without covering their mouths, according to internal documents seen by The Mideast Beast....

Lil Nas X, al Qaeda Collaborate on ‘Jihad Sneakers’
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Lil Nas X, al Qaeda Collaborate on ‘Jihad Sneakers’

Rapper Lil Nas X has once again ignited controversy with a new line of shoes, this time collaborating with al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri on what the duo has dubbed ‘Jihad Sneakers.’ The shoes will include jihadist imagery and be made with one drop of actual infidel blood, the rapper and Atlanta native announced. Just 911 pairs of the shoes...

After Comments by Atlanta PD, US Pardons bin Laden After Realizing “He Had Lots of Bad Days”
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After Comments by Atlanta PD, US Pardons bin Laden After Realizing “He Had Lots of Bad Days”

In an unprecedented historical decision, US President Joe Biden issued a ‘Postmortem Pardon’ for al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. This comes a week after an Atlanta police officer excused the attacks on Asian businesses by saying the suspect “was having a bad day“. “Listen here jack,” said Biden responding to a female reporter’s question. “The people of Georgia delivered...

ISIS Used Offensive Terminology During Call Planning Terror Attacks, Taylor Lorenz Reports
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ISIS Used Offensive Terminology During Call Planning Terror Attacks, Taylor Lorenz Reports

Members of the Islamic State used insensitive terminology during a recent Zoom call, New York Times technology reporter Taylor Lorenz revealed after obtaining a fake identity and accessing the virtual meeting. Lorenz reported that ISIS Caliph Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi used the “b-slur” – a reference to people with visual impairments – when stating that the West is “completely blind to...

Champ Biden Sent to Guantanamo After Attacks on President and Top Staff
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Champ Biden Sent to Guantanamo After Attacks on President and Top Staff

President Joe Biden’s three-year-old German Shepherd Champ has been sent to the Guantanamo Bay detention camp in Cuba after multiple attacks on Biden and his security team. The move came after Champ had an “aggressive incident” in which he bit a member of the White House security staff. The attack came just months after Champ’s attack on the president left...

ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”
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ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”

ISIS Head of Social Media, Aaban Noori confirmed yesterday that the head-chopping social club will be disabling the comments section on their official website. “Our moderators were just overwhelmed trying to keep order,” he stated. “There’s clearly something about the anonymity of the internet that brings out the worst in people. Keyboard warriors are so insensitive. Just yesterday we posted...

US Government Bravely Negotiates with Terrorists who Look Like Them
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US Government Bravely Negotiates with Terrorists who Look Like Them

The United States has long been known for its hardline stance on not (often) negotiating with terrorists. Or, at least it was, until recently when the US Senate adopted the McConnell Doctrine of overtly negotiating with terrorists if they look like you. After the US Capitol Building was attacked just two months ago by an armed mob swearing to overthrow...

ISIS to Continue With Remote Terror for the Foreseeable Future
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ISIS to Continue With Remote Terror for the Foreseeable Future

Fearing for the safety of their suicide bombers, ISIS announced this week that they would continue on with a schedule of remote terror for the foreseeable future. Despite aiming to have comprehensive in-person testing for all jihadis by February in order to bring terror to people face-to-face again, the organization has had to halt their plans citing the plethora of...

ISIS Leader Hospitalized After Styling Beard with Gorilla Glue
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ISIS Leader Hospitalized After Styling Beard with Gorilla Glue

The leader of the Islamic State terrorist group has been admitted into Raqqa hospital after accidentally using Gorilla Glue spray adhesive to style his beard. ISIS Caliph Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi had hoped using the heavy-duty adhesive would add volume to his facial hair, which fellow jihadis believed was unimpressive and undermined his authority. Qurashi livestreamed the events, but soon found...

Trump Not That Much Worse Than bin Laden, Republicans Argue
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Trump Not That Much Worse Than bin Laden, Republicans Argue

Donald Trump’s actions on January 6 were not much worse than former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden’s two decades prior, several leading Republicans said after voting to acquit the former president. “Democrats are saying that it’s such a terrible thing to attack the US Capitol that we have to impeach President Trump for it,” Senator Josh Hawley, a Missouri...

ISIS Launches S.T.E.M. Initiative
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ISIS Launches S.T.E.M. Initiative

The ISIS Science Directorate has announced that it will be launching a S.T.E.M. initiative to advance the education of science, technology, engineering and mathematics‎. Speaking to The Mideast Beast, recently appointed science minister, Ali bin Khalifa, said that the Islamic State recognized the need to develop teaching in these subjects in order to secure its future; “Let’s all just be...

ISIS Announces Plan to Destroy West by Ignoring Climate Change
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ISIS Announces Plan to Destroy West by Ignoring Climate Change

In what the group’s leaders are calling its boldest attack to date, the Islamic State vowed to completely ignore climate change until it destroys Western civilization. In a chilling video, Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi vowed to do nothing to reduce carbon dioxide emissions despite a recent UN report warning that imminent action is needed to prevent disaster. “Unless...