Terrorism

Lil Nas X, al Qaeda Collaborate on ‘Jihad Sneakers’
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Lil Nas X, al Qaeda Collaborate on ‘Jihad Sneakers’

Rapper Lil Nas X has once again ignited controversy with a new line of shoes, this time collaborating with al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri on what the duo has dubbed ‘Jihad Sneakers.’ The shoes will include jihadist imagery and be made with one drop of actual infidel blood, the rapper and Atlanta native announced. Just 911 pairs of the shoes...

After Comments by Atlanta PD, US Pardons bin Laden After Realizing “He Had Lots of Bad Days”
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After Comments by Atlanta PD, US Pardons bin Laden After Realizing “He Had Lots of Bad Days”

In an unprecedented historical decision, US President Joe Biden issued a ‘Postmortem Pardon’ for al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. This comes a week after an Atlanta police officer excused the attacks on Asian businesses by saying the suspect “was having a bad day“. “Listen here jack,” said Biden responding to a female reporter’s question. “The people of Georgia delivered...

ISIS Used Offensive Terminology During Call Planning Terror Attacks, Taylor Lorenz Reports
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ISIS Used Offensive Terminology During Call Planning Terror Attacks, Taylor Lorenz Reports

Members of the Islamic State used insensitive terminology during a recent Zoom call, New York Times technology reporter Taylor Lorenz revealed after obtaining a fake identity and accessing the virtual meeting. Lorenz reported that ISIS Caliph Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi used the “b-slur” – a reference to people with visual impairments – when stating that the West is “completely blind to...

Champ Biden Sent to Guantanamo After Attacks on President and Top Staff
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Champ Biden Sent to Guantanamo After Attacks on President and Top Staff

President Joe Biden’s three-year-old German Shepherd Champ has been sent to the Guantanamo Bay detention camp in Cuba after multiple attacks on Biden and his security team. The move came after Champ had an “aggressive incident” in which he bit a member of the White House security staff. The attack came just months after Champ’s attack on the president left...

ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”
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ISIS Disables Comments Section on Website Stating, “Too Much Hate”

ISIS Head of Social Media, Aaban Noori confirmed yesterday that the head-chopping social club will be disabling the comments section on their official website. “Our moderators were just overwhelmed trying to keep order,” he stated. “There’s clearly something about the anonymity of the internet that brings out the worst in people. Keyboard warriors are so insensitive. Just yesterday we posted...

US Government Bravely Negotiates with Terrorists who Look Like Them
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US Government Bravely Negotiates with Terrorists who Look Like Them

The United States has long been known for its hardline stance on not (often) negotiating with terrorists. Or, at least it was, until recently when the US Senate adopted the McConnell Doctrine of overtly negotiating with terrorists if they look like you. After the US Capitol Building was attacked just two months ago by an armed mob swearing to overthrow...

ISIS to Continue With Remote Terror for the Foreseeable Future
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ISIS to Continue With Remote Terror for the Foreseeable Future

Fearing for the safety of their suicide bombers, ISIS announced this week that they would continue on with a schedule of remote terror for the foreseeable future. Despite aiming to have comprehensive in-person testing for all jihadis by February in order to bring terror to people face-to-face again, the organization has had to halt their plans citing the plethora of...

ISIS Leader Hospitalized After Styling Beard with Gorilla Glue
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ISIS Leader Hospitalized After Styling Beard with Gorilla Glue

The leader of the Islamic State terrorist group has been admitted into Raqqa hospital after accidentally using Gorilla Glue spray adhesive to style his beard. ISIS Caliph Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi had hoped using the heavy-duty adhesive would add volume to his facial hair, which fellow jihadis believed was unimpressive and undermined his authority. Qurashi livestreamed the events, but soon found...

Trump Not That Much Worse Than bin Laden, Republicans Argue
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Trump Not That Much Worse Than bin Laden, Republicans Argue

Donald Trump’s actions on January 6 were not much worse than former al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden’s two decades prior, several leading Republicans said after voting to acquit the former president. “Democrats are saying that it’s such a terrible thing to attack the US Capitol that we have to impeach President Trump for it,” Senator Josh Hawley, a Missouri...

ISIS Launches S.T.E.M. Initiative
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ISIS Launches S.T.E.M. Initiative

The ISIS Science Directorate has announced that it will be launching a S.T.E.M. initiative to advance the education of science, technology, engineering and mathematics‎. Speaking to The Mideast Beast, recently appointed science minister, Ali bin Khalifa, said that the Islamic State recognized the need to develop teaching in these subjects in order to secure its future; “Let’s all just be...

ISIS Announces Plan to Destroy West by Ignoring Climate Change
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ISIS Announces Plan to Destroy West by Ignoring Climate Change

In what the group’s leaders are calling its boldest attack to date, the Islamic State vowed to completely ignore climate change until it destroys Western civilization. In a chilling video, Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi vowed to do nothing to reduce carbon dioxide emissions despite a recent UN report warning that imminent action is needed to prevent disaster. “Unless...