Technology

Leftist Party’s Gains Imperiled by Release of Chairman’s Workout Mix
, ,

Leftist Party’s Gains Imperiled by Release of Chairman’s Workout Mix

Reports that Israel’s leftist Labor Party’s Chairman, Isaac ‘Bougie’ Herzog lost his Apple ipod nano multi-touch weren’t thought to have much impact on Israel’s upcoming elections. Sure, it’s embarrassing – what grown man owns a Nano? – but at least there was no risk of leaked emails or humiliating selfies. That brief relief vanished as the still unidentified finder of Herzog’s Nano...

#AskHamas is trending… Hamas starts beheading
, ,

#AskHamas is trending… Hamas starts beheading

Hamas has executed the head of its twitter feed after claiming he was a ‘Mossad agent.’ In an ironic twist Hamas decided on removing the head’s head as the form of execution, pointing out such a method was ‘bang on trend.’ The decision was made after the bungling media wing of the fun loving terror group had the bright idea...

Hurray for Pallywood!
,

Hurray for Pallywood!

It’s all “Lights, Cameras, Action” this year and we don’t mean the sky above Gaza. That’s because the Palestinian Authority has announced it will open Pallywood Studios in Syria after the roaring success of its summer collection of short films and photographs in 2014. Previously only shot with a hand camera, a dose of deceit and editing software, the new centre will...

White House Confirms: Netanyahu’s Congress Speech to be Tape Delayed
,

White House Confirms: Netanyahu’s Congress Speech to be Tape Delayed

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has acquiesced to a request from the Obama administration that his March 3 speech to Congress be broadcast with a 30-second delay. White House Assistant Press Secretary C. Robert Smiley said on Thursday “We do not intend to censor Prime Minister Netanyahu’s address, so long as he refrains from articulating certain words and expressions that...

Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone
,

Breaking News: Al-Baghdadi Disbands ISIS Due to Poor Reception on iPhone

Following weeks of dropped calls and slow Internet access, as well as several failed attempts at acquiring the latest iPhone 6, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has called off the establishment of an Islamic State due to poor cellphone reception near the Syrian-Iraqi border. “In my haste to establish a safe haven for jihadists and a model society living under...

ISIS launches S.T.E.M. initiative
,

ISIS launches S.T.E.M. initiative

The ISIS Science Directorate has announced that it will be launching a S.T.E.M. initiative to advance the education of science, technology, engineering and mathematics‎. Speaking to The Israeli Daily, recently appointed science minister, Ali bin Khalifa, said that the Islamic State recognised the need to develop teaching in these subjects in order to secure its future; “Let’s all just be really...

ISIS Super Excited about the iPhone 6

ISIS Super Excited about the iPhone 6

In the weeks after the iPhone 6® launch, ISIS militants are super-excited about using the new technology. “It’s such a beautiful phone! ” exclaimed an ISIS militant getting into his Jeep®. “The camera quality on the iPhone 6® is unmatched! We can record an HD video of one of our head-removing sessions, and immediately upload it onto YouTube®, Facebook®, and Twitter®...

Mobile networks outage causes everyone to lose their collective shit

Mobile networks outage causes everyone to lose their collective shit

Thursday afternoon saw a widespread hush descend across Israel for several hours, the cause of which was blamed on faulty cellular towers. A beefed up police presence and a rising sense of panic and uncertainty led to some comparisons with a standard terrorist attack with numerous people admitted to hospital rooms out of shock and a sudden mass onset of tinnitus....

Iron Dome to sell naming rights to make up monetary losses from last war

Iron Dome to sell naming rights to make up monetary losses from last war

Israel’s Head of Military Operations, Tomer Shalom, admitted today that the Iron Dome, Israel’s air defense system, has officially run out of funding and is now selling its naming rights to make up for the seriously-fucking-insane monetary losses suffered during the recent war. It is understood that the two strongest contenders are currently WAZE and Electra, both of which promise to...

Yet Another Israeli Startup Is Bought
,

Yet Another Israeli Startup Is Bought

In completely unsurprising and boring news, another Silicon Valley tech firm has bought yet another Israeli startup. CompletelyOverValued.com, an online retailer that focuses on selling random useless shit at a substantial markup and inconveniently delivering it in a weekly box to consumers’ doors, is buying Israeli startup Vinechat for the tune of $2 billion. Vinechat has a monopoly on the...

Hamas unveils anti-UAV laser
,

Hamas unveils anti-UAV laser

Hamas has developed a remarkable new weapon system that could be used to shoot down unmanned drones. The humanitarian group received a $20 million grant from the Islamic State (IS) Office of Blasphemy Research to build a vehicle-mounted laser to shoot down the hated “flying tools of the Great Satan.” The Ground Laser Air Defense (GLAD) system uses a pickup-mounted...

Hamas gives Ultimatum on Airport via Instagram
, ,

Hamas gives Ultimatum on Airport via Instagram

Day 44 Since the collapse of the peace talks in Cairo, Hamas made an announcement via Instagram video of their latest request, followed by a threat. In poor Hebrew and using the 1977 filter, Hamas operatives stated “If we don’t get the 100 million NIS airport with a complete water park, KFC, and the nice security line that doesn’t make...