Mohamed al-Jihad, a Saudi national flying from New York on a one-way ticket, told TSA that he would not reveal whether he planned to hijack the plane until after he had been allowed onboard. “If I told you whether I had a gun or box cutters, or let you check my luggage, then that would become the issue,” al-Jihad told...
Vice President Pence has announced that forthwith all meetings of the coronavirus committee will be held in the new Jewish capital, just in case “this is the big one.” A spokesman for the Cabinet Member voted ‘most likely to ascend to the Kingdom of Heaven’ by CPAC four years running, commented, “This office is concentrated on reacting to this crisis...
Insisting that he did not want to see the question become an issue in the upcoming presidential election, former Vice President Joe Biden refused Saturday to reveal whether he plans to authorize a drone strike against the US Supreme Court. Since the death of Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Biden has faced increasing pressure to commit to taking out the...
After seeing his administration snubbed by the Norwegian Nobel Committee despite its role in facilitating peace deals between Israel and two Arab nations, US President Donald Trump has established the “USA More Tremendouser Nobel Committee” and awarded himself its inaugural peace prize. Trump, who had lobbied for the Nobel Committee’s honors before the World Food Program was ultimately awarded the...
Despite promising to withdraw the majority of the troops stationed in Afghanistan at varying points during his presidency, Trump has ordered thousands of troops to remain in the country, due to increased Taliban presence. While this decision may have had more detractors a few months ago, everyone suddenly seems very supportive of the decision. Most of the troops that The...
The Hidden Imam, a messianic figure in Shia Islam said to have been in hiding since the 10th century AD, has been diagnosed with Covid-19, Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani told The Mideast Beast. The Hidden One is considered both the political and religious leader of the Shia people. In Iran, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei rules in his absence until...
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio nearly ordered police to break up an Antifa protest, mistaking the group of young men clad in black for Orthodox Jews rather than his intended left-wing base. “There are reports of a mass gathering of violent-looking young men, covered in black from head to toe, rampaging through New York City and spreading their...
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has once again found himself at the center of a controversy, as comments made during a recent policy speech have forced the Turkish government to take over all administrative duties for the Israeli city of Jerusalem. Israeli officials ecstatically handed over control after Erdogan told Turkish lawmakers that “Jerusalem is our city,” an apparent reference...
The US and other western countries have ended their war against the Islamic State after its leader, Abu Ibrahim al-Qurashi, declared that ISIS is “not an organization but an ideology.” “I am not a terrorist or the leader of a terrorist organization,” al-Qurashi explained. “I am just an idea, an ideology, a thought floating through the air, so there’s really...
In an effort to prevent violence and maintain order, the United Nations announced that it will send 5,000 armed Peacekeepers to Miami for the October 15 presidential debate. Peacekeepers will join the candidates, President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, on stage to make sure bloodshed does not break out during the 90-minute debate. The soldiers have been...
Looking to avoid a proxy fight that would cost the lives of hundreds or thousands of soldiers and civilians, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei have agreed to resolve the dispute between Armenia and Azerbaijan through a steel cage match between the two leaders. If Erdogan wins the match by either pinning his opponent or...
Opponents of Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei have accused the ayatollah of wearing an earpiece during his recent sermons so aids can remind the octogenarian to wish “Death to America.” Iranian dissidents and opposition leaders have noted that the 81-year-old Khamenei has often appeared confused in recent years and are demanding that a third-party inspector check the ayatollah’s ears for...
Russia has recalled its ambassador to the US after President Donald Trump’s recently published tax returns revealed that he paid almost nothing to the Russian government in federal income tax. The news infuriated Russian President Vladimir Putin, who questioned the president’s patriotism and accused him of being a tax dodge. “President Trump should be paying billions of rubles in taxes,...
US Court of Appeals Judge and Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett founded the Islamic State terrorist group and led it during its formative years, according a story in Newsweek magazine. The magazine later issued a correction, noting that it was in fact Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who is of no relation to Barrett despite having the same first and last...
The Mideast Beast has learned that New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez backed out of an event honoring former Palestinian Liberation Organization chairman Yasser Arafat after one of the representative’s Twitter followers pointed out that Arafat had visited and negotiated with Israel. Ocasio-Cortez was set to attend Jewish Voice for Peace’s Yom Kippur brunch, which will be held on Monday to...
An event hosted at San Francisco State University (SFSU) interviewing amateur hijacker, oldest remaining member of a terrorist organization, and part-time public speaker , Mrs. Leila Khaled, was cut short last night after YouTube pulled the livestream just 23 minutes after the event began. Students that had been looking forward to hearing the geriatric terrorist were devastated that someone would...
In a fiscal feat thought impossible amid record stimulus spending, US President Donald Trump has balanced the federal budget simply by asking Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s to reimburse the White House for his laundry costs. Trump’s decision came after The Washington Post reported that Netanyahu regularly brought suitcases and bags full of laundry, which White House staff cleans for...
In a finding that has stunned epidemiologists and upended medical consensus, researchers have now discovered cases of COVID-19 infection in nations without 5G development. Leading researchers have long believed that the novel coronavirus is caused by waves emitted from 5G cell towers. But in Iran, where there is no 5G infrastructure, satellite images have shown mass graves dug to bury...
Last Saturday, the Iranian regime executed national champion wrestler Navid Afkari despite global appeals to Tehran to spare his life. Executive Director Ren Koth of the NGO Human Rights Pussies, said that the execution was shameful and that Iranian leaders were doing a disservice to the global community by taking away the focus on Israel – the worst human rights...
Scientists have made a groundbreaking discovery earlier this month saying that there is the potential for possible life on Venus, a planet overlooked for being too hostile for organic matter. While the discovery has been greeted with some enthusiasm, some have said it’s concerning that there is life on other planets and they haven’t said where they stand on Donald...
