Satire

Khamenei Misses the Days When Biggest Threat Was Iranian People
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Khamenei Misses the Days When Biggest Threat Was Iranian People

Pondering how to respond to American air strikes that took out his top general, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei admitted that he longed for the days when the greatest threat to his power was the Iranian populace looking for basic human rights. “You know who never kills your top military officials in a drone strike on foreign soil? Unarmed protestors,”...

Ben Rhodes Mourns the Death of Another Iranian Moderate
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Ben Rhodes Mourns the Death of Another Iranian Moderate

Former National Security Advisor Ben Rhodes, who was once billed as Barack Obama’s foreign policy Guru was devastated to hear the horrible news that President Trump had authorized an airstrike that killed Iranian Quds Force leader, General Qasem Soleimani. “Qasem Soleimani, also known as “Asshole” by Yemenis, was the kind of moderate Iranian leader that we needed for peace in...

‘We Could Have Just Paid You Back for the Broken Glass,’ Khamenei Says
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‘We Could Have Just Paid You Back for the Broken Glass,’ Khamenei Says

After his top commander was killed by a US airstrike, Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has accused Americans of being “really anal about your embassies all of a sudden.” “I mean, jeez, talk about an overreaction,” Khamenei said in his first official statement after the death of Quds Force commander Qasem Soleimani and Abu Mahdi al-Muhandis — the deputy head...

New York Enacts Strict ‘Eight-Strikes’ Law to Stop Attacks on Jews

New York Enacts Strict ‘Eight-Strikes’ Law to Stop Attacks on Jews

Promising to finally get tough on attacks against Jews, New York has instituted a stringent ‘eight strikes’ law promising legal consequences to anyone who commits more than seven felony assaults against random Jewish citizens. The law was spurred by outrage after Brooklyn resident Tiffany Harris was arrested twice within a week for attacks against Jews, in one instance screaming “fuck...

US Ambassador Regrets Suggesting New Year’s After Party at His Place
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US Ambassador Regrets Suggesting New Year’s After Party at His Place

The US Ambassador to Iraq has confessed feeling some regret that his drunken invitation for “Everyone to come back to my place to keep this party going!” has ended with the sacking of the Embassy. A spokesman for the Ambassador commented, “Look, its New Year, and to be frank the party at the British Embassy had been pretty lame, just...

House Passes Resolution Condemning All Unprovoked Attacks in Brooklyn

House Passes Resolution Condemning All Unprovoked Attacks in Brooklyn

After a week in which at least eight Jews were attacked by strangers on the streets of Brooklyn, House Democrats have passed a resolution condemning all random attacks against minorities in New York. “We oppose attacks on the streets of Brooklyn by Islamophobes, white supremacists, transphobes, homophobes, gingerphobes, and all other bigots,” the resolution stated. “We will not tolerate hate...

‘Jewish Voice for Peace’ Menorah Just Christmas Tree on Fire

‘Jewish Voice for Peace’ Menorah Just Christmas Tree on Fire

Looking to tout its Jewish credentials, anti-Israel advocacy group Jewish Voice for Peace left followers confused as it posted a picture of a Christmas tree in flames with the caption “our Hanukkah menorah!” “Happy to celebrate this holiday with our fellow Jewish Jews and with our wonderful new menorah,” stated the caption of the picture that looked nothing like a...

Corbyn Relieved He Doesn’t Have to Attend Some Stupid Menorah Lighting

Corbyn Relieved He Doesn’t Have to Attend Some Stupid Menorah Lighting

Calling it a silver lining to his recent election loss, UK Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn admitted he is greatly relieved he does not have to attend any menorah lightings or “do any other stupid Jewy stuff” to mark the start of Hanukkah. “If I was prime minister right now, I’d probably be surrounded by a bunch of hairy rabbis bragging...

Israeli Air Force Confident That THESE Airstrikes Will Finally Teach Hamas a Lesson
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Israeli Air Force Confident That THESE Airstrikes Will Finally Teach Hamas a Lesson

Following another rocket launch from Gaza, the Israeli Air Force (IAF) has retaliated with airstrikes against terrorist infrastructure. An IAF spokesperson commented “We are confident that these strikes sent a message to Hamas that we weren’t able to achieve with last week’s airstrikes, or for that matter the ones last month, and also those back in September.” Standing in front...

US Confirms Jared Leading on Wakanda Deal
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US Confirms Jared Leading on Wakanda Deal

The United States State Department has confirmed that Jared Kushner has taken on the trade negotiations with African superpower Wakanda. A spokesman stated, “Jared is clearly the best placed official to take on this challenge. After all he’s spent all of 2019 dealing with such fantastical places as ‘Palestine’, and the mind-bending concept of a ‘Two-State Solution’. I mean come...

World Leaders Dismayed to Find Trump Still President

World Leaders Dismayed to Find Trump Still President

Hours after Donald Trump became only the third US president to be impeached, world leaders from across the globe were stunned and despondent to learn that Trump is still president. “I called the White House and asked for the president, and as soon as he answered I said, ‘Mike, congrats on the promotion! So glad you’re in charge now instead...

Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide
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Trump Says There Were ‘Good People on Both Sides’ of Armenian Genocide

Refusing to sign a bipartisan resolution condemning the 100-year-old genocide, US President Donald Trump insisted Tuesday that there were “good people on both sides” of the Armenian genocide. “Listen, there were some very good Ottomans and there were some very bad Ottomans, believe me,” Trump said during a press conference called to discuss infrastructure legislation. “Not all the Ottomans who...

British Jews Still Plan to Flee UK For Better Weather

British Jews Still Plan to Flee UK For Better Weather

Acknowledging that they no longer felt unsafe after Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn’s electoral beatdown, 77% of Jews said they are nonetheless planning to leave the UK because they share their neighbors’ view of the dreadful weather. “I’ve been saying for years that I’m going to leave the UK if that Jew-hater is elected,” one Jewish Londoner told The Mideast Beast....

Warren Blasts North Korea for Promising ‘Christmas Gift’ Instead of Holiday Gift

Warren Blasts North Korea for Promising ‘Christmas Gift’ Instead of Holiday Gift

Calling the North Korean strongman “problematic,” Democratic Senator and presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren came out swinging after Kim Jong Un promised the US a “Christmas gift,” likely in the form of a satellite launch or weapons test. “Does Mr. Kim have any idea how hurtful this language is to American men, women, and non-binary individuals who do not celebrate Christmas?”...

Britain Now Safe for Jews, Everyone Else Fucked

Britain Now Safe for Jews, Everyone Else Fucked

Following the overwhelming defeat of Jeremy Corbyn at this week’s General Election, it has been confirmed that the UK’s Jewish population can now rest easy in their beds. A spokesperson for the Chief Rabbi commented, “We are relieved to see that our British home has rejected the scourge of anti-Semitism that was allowed to run rampant under Mr. Corbyn. Of...

Turkish Parliament Unanimously Passes Resolution Condemning the Kardashians
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Turkish Parliament Unanimously Passes Resolution Condemning the Kardashians

Responding to a US Senate bill condemning the Armenian genocide, Turkey’s parliament has passed a unanimous resolution condemning the Kardashian family for crimes against humanity. “The real Armenian Genocide is the one that these sisters are committing against world culture and common decency,” the resolution stated. “We can no longer ignore the suffering of countless victims, who have lost countless...

Hamas, Hezbollah Unfriend Corbyn on Facebook

Hamas, Hezbollah Unfriend Corbyn on Facebook

Fearing that their association with the British Labour leader will hurt their popularity in the UK, terrorists from Islamist militant groups including Hamas and Hezbollah have unfriended Jeremy Corbyn on Facebook. Despite his loyal support for the terror group, senior members of Hamas told The Mideast Beast that they have begun ignoring Corbyn’s calls after exit polls showed him leading...

Iranian Economy in Crisis as Flammable American Flag Sales Plummet

Iranian Economy in Crisis as Flammable American Flag Sales Plummet

With protestors in the streets in Iran over the rise in the cost of gasoline, and the economy crippled by American sanctions, another key Iranian industry is suffering a severe downturn: flammable American flags. Since the revolution, the Iranian regime has supplemented their economy that was largely based on oil and flying-carpet revenues with the sale of American flags that...