Politics

Netanyahu Assures International Community That He is Committed to Pursuing Status Quo

Netanyahu Assures International Community That He is Committed to Pursuing Status Quo

Following Netanyahu’s surprise victory in Israel’s March elections, Benjamin Netanyahu recently took a moment to address his critics. Many had feared that he would pursue a peace deal with the Palestinians and end the conflict once and for all. Bibi addressed the questions about his commitment to the current quagmire by releasing a statement earlier today. “I am willing to make significant sacrifices...

France Surrenders to an Unsuspecting Iran
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France Surrenders to an Unsuspecting Iran

French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius delivered a short note to Iran’s President Hassan Rouhani from French President Francois Hollande: “We quit. Paris is yours. Good luck in Syria and Yemen.” “We are of course deeply flattered by the French government’s capitulation. We thought we were meeting to work out a deal for Iran to start building Peugeot cars. After seven hours of...

Trump Tower Tehran to Open Spring 2016
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Trump Tower Tehran to Open Spring 2016

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Trump Tower Tehran & Trump Persian Palace Casino opening Sunday March 20, 2016 to coincide with Norooz, the Persian New Year in Iran. Trump Tower Tehran is set to feature one ultra-ultra luxury residence and 9,190 hotel guestrooms with spectacular views of the hanging cranes, easy access to daily ‘Death to the West’ rallies, which includes live...

Defense Department Asks Twitter Users Who U.S. Should Bomb
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Defense Department Asks Twitter Users Who U.S. Should Bomb

Building on the great success of the State Department’s initiative allowing Tweeters to weigh in on how to prevent terrorism, the Pentagon has unveiled its new “#WhoElseShouldWeBomb?” campaign. “We want your input. Share who you’d like us to attack. Are Iraq and Syria enough or are there countries we’re forgetting?” the Department of Defense’s official Twitter account Tweeted early Saturday, ending with...

God Quietly Removes “Thou Shalt Mercilessly Stab Homosexuals at Their Parades” Verse From Leviticus
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God Quietly Removes “Thou Shalt Mercilessly Stab Homosexuals at Their Parades” Verse From Leviticus

Following the stabbings of homosexuals in Jerusalem by an ultra-orthodox Jew yesterday, and admitting that he’s “not entirely sure how I let that one slip in there,” God has made an executive decision to quietly remove verse 25:17 from Leviticus, which states “Thou shalt mercilessly stab homosexuals at their parades. Do it twice if you have to.” God quickly removed...

Clash of the Kenyans as Presidents Mud Wrestle Over Gay Rights
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Clash of the Kenyans as Presidents Mud Wrestle Over Gay Rights

President Barack Obama’s recent trip to his native Kenyan homeland was filled with angst and at times embarrassing moments. The POTUS journey, code name ‘Double Bogey in Nairobi’, got off to a shaky start. After an uncomfortable joint news conference and robust public debate over gay rights, President Obama and Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta left the stage and went at...

Turkish Situation Last Straw for Israel
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Turkish Situation Last Straw for Israel

Israel has confirmed in an interview with The Mideast Beast (TMB) that this nonsense with Turkey has convinced it that it’s time to leave the region. “Look I’ve been trying to make this work since at least 1948, but shit is just getting more messed up by the day. I wake up this morning, pick up my copy of The Jerusalem...

IDF, Planned Parenthood Harvest Organs from Palestinian Babies
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IDF, Planned Parenthood Harvest Organs from Palestinian Babies

After reports emerged of Planned Parenthood selling the body parts of fetuses for profit, new evidence has surfaced of cooperation between the IDF and Planned Parenthood to harvest organs from Palestinian babies. According to classified documents obtained by The Mideast Beast, contact between the two organizations began during Operation ‘Cast Lead’, when Planned Parenthood noticed the opportunity for a huge profit from the...

Following Major Diplomatic Successes Kerry Sets Six-Month Timetable for Negotiations on Ending Sunni-Shia Conflict
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Following Major Diplomatic Successes Kerry Sets Six-Month Timetable for Negotiations on Ending Sunni-Shia Conflict

Right on the heels of, what can only be described as ‘truly successful efforts’, to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and force Iran to abandon its nuclear program, Secretary of State John Kerry announced he has set a six-month timetable for bringing an end to the 1,300-year Sunni-Shia divide. “We hope to get both sides to the negotiating table immediately for six...

Intent on Remaining Neutral, Turkey Bombs Both Ukrainian and Russian Forces
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Intent on Remaining Neutral, Turkey Bombs Both Ukrainian and Russian Forces

Saying it is committed to remaining neutral in the conflict in Crimea, Turkey announced this weekend that it has begun bombing both Russian and Ukrainian targets. “The Crimea war is a dispute between the Russian and Ukrainian governments in which we have no stakes or claims, and we will not get involved,” said a spokesman for the Turkish government. “That...

Dozens of Women Accuse ISIS Leader of Respectful Treatment
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Dozens of Women Accuse ISIS Leader of Respectful Treatment

The world’s most powerful Jihadist, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, is engulfed in a firestorm of controversy following accusations that he secretly treated females as nothing less than equals for decades. “He encouraged me to go to college, earn a degree and focus on my career. Today, Baghdadi’s idolized by angry young men around the Middle East based on his tough-guy reputation....

Iran Trademarks Phrase “Nuclear Holocaust” For “Civilian Purposes”
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Iran Trademarks Phrase “Nuclear Holocaust” For “Civilian Purposes”

In a shocking move on the heels of an historic nuclear treaty with the international community, the Iranian government has submitted an application for the trademark of the phrase “nuclear holocaust.” Predictably, the leaders of some small countries that have super-obvious combovers have come out in opposition to the application, claiming ownership over the phrase, “nuclear holocaust,” is suspicious –...

Arafat Really Hoping Khamenei Wins Nobel Peace Prize
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Arafat Really Hoping Khamenei Wins Nobel Peace Prize

After more than 20 years of being ridiculed as the worst Nobel Peace Prize recipient in memory, former Palestinian Authority President Yasser Arafat admitted he was really hoping Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei would win the award this year and take over that distinction. “Do you know how tiring it gets being the stereotype of a bad Nobel Peace Prize...

Gaza Underground Tours a Big Hit With Israelis
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Gaza Underground Tours a Big Hit With Israelis

Terror tunnels? Or man caves? In an effort to calm ongoing tensions along the Israeli-Gazan border, a joint venture with Hamas’ Board of Tourism and Zionist startup 2waystreet is operating exclusive summer tunnel tours. From now until rainy season or rocket season, whichever comes first, Gaza has opened its sophisticated network of military tunnels to the public. Tourists and sightseeing...

After Tearing Down Confederate Banner Activists Turn to Israeli Flag
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After Tearing Down Confederate Banner Activists Turn to Israeli Flag

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Liberal advocacy groups (and conservative groups smart enough to pick their fights) scored a major victory last week as the South Carolina state legislature voted to remove the Confederate Battle Flag from the State Capitol. After toasting their achievement with venti frappuccinos, the groups turned their attention to their next goal: removing the Israeli flag from the...