Those who believe too strongly in peaceful resolutions to conflicts are setting themselves up for not only heartbreak but also an addiction, according to a study released by the United Nations. The UN found that more than four out five people who had engaged in senior-level peace talks wound up joining Alcoholics Anonymous after negotiations collapsed. “Our best educated, best...
Like Dave Chappelle and Prince in 2014, yet another public figure has announced they will be staging a comeback for 2015. Old-school terrorist collective Al Qaeda, infamous for past atrocities involving hijacked planes, the World Trade Center, and the Pentagon have been feeling a little overshadowed lately, what with the rise of the Slicers and Dicers of the Levant, ISIS. In a Q&A...
It has been predicted in the past that as brutal as Middle Eastern conflicts have been in the past, they will become more gruesome when the focus of wars shift from faith or territory to water. Water, also known as that thing that you are mainly comprised of, is the chicken broth in which the matzah balls of life exist. For...
Marco Rubio (just look at that sexy smile) has a message to his fellow Republicans: “Are you Israel enough?” This week, after numerous interviews regarding his candidacy for President, Rubio posted his top five campaign issues. Standing with Israel is one of them. “Yes, I take standing by Israel very seriously,” Rubio said while jogging in place. “I’ve been training for...
Across many states, Republican presidential hopefuls laid out their national security plan with a surprising notion suggesting that it would be a good idea for US forces to return to the Middle East in order to fight ISIS. While at first counter-intuitive, political analyst, Brea KN Rekerd, suggested it was a wise strategy. “GOP presidential hopefuls don’t need to win a majority of...
ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is desperately trying to return his newly-purchased Caitlin Jenner Halloween costume after a series of internet comments have claimed the costume is insensitive and promotes transphobia. “When I purchased the costume online, as a gesture to honor Ms. Jenner’s courage, I had no idea I was mocking the transgender community and reducing its members to...
Looking to drag on futile peace talks with Kurdish separatists without making anything that could be considered a concession, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan has sought advice from his longtime nemesis and Israeli counterpart, Benjamin Netanyahu. Erdogan, who began peace talks with the Kurdish Workers’ Party in 2013, said he had nearly given up on the talks, believing there was...
While knife-wielding Palestinian terrorists continue to imitate the less sexy parts of Game of Thrones with Israelis instead of the Starks, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas’ wife’s brother recently went under the knife for life-saving heart surgery at a private hospital in Tel Aviv. The only person more upset about this than the Grim Reaper is former Pink Floyd front man...
The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is so complex that very few people understand it, and no, Wikipedia doesn’t suffice. Plenty of dummies think that they understand the whole shebang, and in order to try to explain it to people who they feel aren’t as smart, they compare it to other examples. One of the most common comparisons is with the Native Americans....
A spokesman from the Prime Minister’s office made it clear that the Knesset, Israel’s Parliament, believed a military presence of a foreign entity, such as the UN, in a disputed region is not right and that it amounted to an immoral colonization and occupation of the land. “The UN places soldiers in disputed regions across the world citing security concerns,” the...
Rabbi Shlomo Yetz of Britain’s orthodox Jewish community was surprised to read the following advertisement in his morning paper (here translated from the Yiddish): “Feeling Oppressed by the Secular World? Dealing with the Godless Getting You Down? Furious About Women Being Allowed to Drive? Come To a Nation You Can Call Home!” Imagine the Rabbi’s surprise when he called the number...
After months of confining its Middle East strategy to trolling Obama on Twitter, the Russian Armed Forces have fully engaged in Syria in October with a bombing campaign and a deployment of ground troops. The shift in Russian tactics has left Western analysts flabbergasted, prompting NATO to request The Mideast Beast to investigate the issue. “It’s October now so it’s getting...
Saying they had no idea that Israelis and Palestinians were such passionate fans, members of British rock band ‘Status Quo’ said they were honored and excited by the wave of demand for them to play on the Temple Mount, one of the holiest sites in Judaism and Islam. “We had no idea we had such a following in the Middle East...
Barack Obama has admitted he has a soft spot for ‘bad boy’ countries and conceded this is having a negative impact on his foreign policy decisions. “There’s something just so daring about countries like Iran and Cuba,” a giggly Obama told The Mideast Beast. “One moment you’re blowing up the same crazies in the desert and all seems wonderful and...
In a bombshell statement that changed the reality of the Nazi campaign against European Jewry, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu revealed to the world that Hitler was more or less undecided about what to do with the Jews until he met a very special someone. The special someone was the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem Haj Amin al-Husseini, who, according to...
European leaders today hailed Palestinian President in Perpetuity Mahmoud Abbas’s offer to resume negotiations with Israel “Just as soon as last Jew gets the hell out Palestine: Jaffa, Ashkelon, the lot of it.” Swedish Foreign Minister, Margot Wallström, praised Abbas for “taking such a bold step towards peace. Now we can only hope that those genocidal war mongering Israelis will...
Amid increasing anger about Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s claim that Jerusalem’s Mufti Haj Amin al-Husseini was the one who gave Adolf Hitler the idea of the final solution, a number of groups have made their discontent known. This is true of people from all ends of the political spectrum including confused pro-Israel groups and indignant pro-Palestinian groups. But one...
With tensions over the Temple Mount increasing, John Kerry is, of course, back in the region. Kerry arrived in Israel last week, opting to travel in an Ancient Roman litter, carried by four of his subordinates. “Everyone relax, John Kerry is back in town,” John Kerry said, addressing a sparsely populated press conference. He then paused for his scheduled 30...
At the scene of a grisly attack, medics and soldiers swarmed the scene like bees on a hive. Initial reports indicate that the victim was walking through the streets of Jerusalem when a Palestinian teen ran up and attacked without any apparent cause. The assailant is currently at large, while medical personnel are currently treating the victim, who has been identified...
A recent wave of terror attacks, many involving knives , has brought tension in Israel to a boiling point and caught the attention of US Secretary of State and 2018 Nobel Peace Prize winner John Kerry. Kerry, who is on a global tour promoting his book “How I Lost Syria to Putin in a Game of Poker”, issued a statement...
