Politics

Massive Addition to John Kerry’s Home Built to Store Expected Nobel Peace Prize

Massive Addition to John Kerry’s Home Built to Store Expected Nobel Peace Prize

US Secretary of State John Kerry is so confident of winning the 2015 Nobel Peace Prize that he has broken ground on a dramatic expansion of his stylish Beacon Hill property. “The award will be hermetically sealed and kept in an underground aquarium the size of 20 Olympic-size swimming pools. Mr. Kerry asked me to call SeaWorld and purchase the most exotic freshwater fish in the world. Just as it takes a wild diversity of marine life to build the...

UN Condemns Israel for Occupation of Nepal

UN Condemns Israel for Occupation of Nepal

Following reports that more than 250 Israelis have made their way to Nepal in order to assist in recovery efforts following a devastating earthquake, the UN has issued its latest condemnation of the Jewish State for its sudden occupation of the South-Asian nation. “We are dismayed to learn that Israeli forces are currently using the chaos in Nepal to colonize the country, and we order all these Israeli settlers to leave at once,” the UN Human Rights Council said in...

“Accountant of Auschwitz” is Surprisingly Not Jewish

“Accountant of Auschwitz” is Surprisingly Not Jewish

After  Oskar Groening was convicted of being an accessory to the murder to hundreds of thousands of people in Auschwitz concentration camp sources were surprised to learn that Groening, dubbed “the Accountant of Auschwitz” was not in fact Jewish. “It’s not like an anti-semitic thing or anything…just you know…an accountant? How goddamned Jewish is that? It would be like the “Rabbi of Auschwitz” was a guard or something.” Groening admitted at the trial that he had a hard time convincing his Nazi superiors he was...

Iran Deal Reveals Obama’s Political Savvy, Plan To Destroy America

Iran Deal Reveals Obama’s Political Savvy, Plan To Destroy America

Now that a completed Iranian nuclear deal has become part of our shared history, proponents and opponents of the agreement have been voicing their praise and concern. The multinational treaty is very complex and as a result of this complexity, it seems that groups espousing different agendas can find varying interpretations of the deal, allowing for radically divergent predictions. RELATED: Radical Offshoot of Obama Administration Actively Building Centrifuges in Iran One thing that emerged from the formulation of the agreement is the...

U.S. Republicans Declare Feminist War on ISIS

U.S. Republicans Declare Feminist War on ISIS

Speaker of the House John Boehner told reporters this week that GOP representatives have drafted a document declaring a feminist war on ISIS. “We find the practices of veiling and gender segregation to be antithetical to the development of a modern society in the global economy,” stated Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions before a quorum entirely comprised of other men. Due to difficulty finding a babysitter or inexpensive daycare, Senator Joni Ernst was unavailable for comment that day. “There needs to...

Analysts: By 2030, it Will Just be Easier to List Countries that Don’t Have Nuclear Weapons

Analysts: By 2030, it Will Just be Easier to List Countries that Don’t Have Nuclear Weapons

Nuclear non-proliferation has become a hot-topic under the Obama administration, with the President having reached nuclear agreements with both Russia and Iran during his time in office. Despite these facts however, it has become clear that countries determined to build nuclear weapons will find the means as long as they have the will to do so. In light of this reality, the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA, the international “nuclear watchdog”) announced today a new, easier way to keep track...

ISIS to Host Next Women’s Soccer World Cup

ISIS to Host Next Women’s Soccer World Cup

In a surprise announcement that caught the soccer world mostly not caring very much, FIFA unresigned kingpin Sepp Blatter announced that the 2019 Women’s Soccer World Cup is to take place in Northern Iraq and Syria. A smiling Blatter addressed the crowd of two journalists sitting next to ISIS emir Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. “Abu is a bloodthirsty, genocidal, corrupt maniac,” beamed Blatter, “so of course we became best friends. I originally offered ISIS the 2026 Men’s World Cup, but they...

Caliphate in Chaos as ISIS Bans Female Genital Mutilation

Caliphate in Chaos as ISIS Bans Female Genital Mutilation

With the influx and influence of western female recruits pouring into ISIS held territory across a wide swath of Iraq and Syria to fight infidels and get laid, a radical fusion of thought and practice is challenging the Islamic State terror group’s views regarding the practice of Female Genital Mutilation also known as Female Circumcision. “Removal of the magic button deprives a woman of sexual pleasure, but it also deprives a man of better sexual pleasure.” RELATED: ISIS Set to Announce...

Israel to construct Water Salinization Plant for Gaza Residents

Israel to construct Water Salinization Plant for Gaza Residents

The Israeli government will begin construction on a “water salinization plant” in Gaza next year in order to “aid Palestinians, who we definitely aid. Like a lot.” The plant will take what remains of Gaza’s clean sources of groundwater and add salt in order to make the water undrinkable. According to water engineers, the plant will use a revolutionary technology known as “shoveling,” where mounds of salt are shoveled into pipes filled with water. RELATED: Tel Aviv City Council and Hamas...

Palestinian Leader Appoints Arnold Schwarzenegger to Pump Up Sagging Popularity

Palestinian Leader Appoints Arnold Schwarzenegger to Pump Up Sagging Popularity

Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas surprised his cabinet in Ramallah this morning by introducing action star Arnold Schwarzenegger as the government’s first Minister of Comebacks. “Brothers, the world is sick of the peace process. Our message is about as comprehensible as the new Björk album. Now, I can’t think of anyone, not even Sly Stallone, who’s gotten more mileage out of not speaking clearly than my dear friend Arnold,” Abbas gushed. RELATED: Israeli Leaders Debate Pettiest Way to Respond to Palestinian...

Israel Volunteers to Mediate Germany-Greece Negotiations

Israel Volunteers to Mediate Germany-Greece Negotiations

As German and Greek politicians were in a last ditch effort to grevent the Greeks for grexiting the European greekommunitiny, the mood in both capitals was resentful and antagonistic. However, there’s cause for cautious optimism as Israel, a veteran of mediated negotiations, has volunteered to step in. “We are very thankful for the long history of European moderation in our negotiations with the Palestinians,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “We truly believe that those negotiations work as evidenced by our long and lasting...

Breaking: Trump Picks Netanyahu as Running Mate for 2016

Breaking: Trump Picks Netanyahu as Running Mate for 2016

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu as his 2016 Vice Presidential running mate prior to Republican Party delegates choosing nominees. The Israeli Daily got wind of this dramatic political development after Trump’s limo driver leaked the information while fooling around with Israeli tourists outside of Trump Tower in Manhattan. Sources close to the Prime Minister revealed he was given the unexpected nod through third party ‘back-channel negotiators’. He remarked to inner, inner-circle staff member, Sarah Netanyahu, “What chutzpah! Choosing a running...

Hamas Apologizes for Tunneling to Mexican Drug Lord’s Prison Cell

Hamas Apologizes for Tunneling to Mexican Drug Lord’s Prison Cell

MEXICO CITY, Mexico – Mexican authorities at the Altiplano maximum security prison were embarrassed on Sunday when their most notorious inmate, drug kingpin Joaqin “El Chapo” Guzman, escaped his cell through a tunnel dug beneath it. The prison guards were bewildered when from the tunnel emerged Khafir Babori, recently of Gaza City, and said: “Wait, this can’t be Tel Aviv, I don’t see a single gay person! Fucking Google Maps!” Khafir told the investigators that he was originally planning to...

Disney Flotilla to Set Sail for Gaza

Disney Flotilla to Set Sail for Gaza

In efforts to put a friendlier face on attempts to break Israel’s naval blockade of the Gaza Strip, Hamas leader in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, has revealed that Hamas is currently in negotiations with Disney Cruise Lines to be a corporate sponsor of the next Gaza flotilla. Speaking to The Israeli Daily using voice distortion technology, the senior Hamas leader said, “This next phase of lifting the siege will generate positive international support, create good PR spin, and generate a new source...

‘Soup Nazi’ Replaces John Kerry in Iran Deal

‘Soup Nazi’ Replaces John Kerry in Iran Deal

United States President Barack Obama has replaced Secretary of State John Kerry the lead US negotiator in the Iran talks with the Soup Nazi of Seinfeld fame. Speaking to The Israeli Daily aboard Air Force One en route to a golf outing in Florida, President Obama said John Kerry has done an outstanding job as Team America negotiator, but expressed his frustration that no final deal had been brokered. “John’s shuttle diplomacy has racked up hundreds of thousand of Sky...

Report: Syrian Government Quits Social Media

Report: Syrian Government Quits Social Media

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has cancelled Syria’s membership on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and all other social media networking sites. “We’re dead, baby. Our funeral will be bigger than Princess Diana’s. We’ve booked Elton John and George Michael who will be duetting, ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down on Me’,” the Syrian strongman tweeted before deleting his country’s official Twitter account. “Those two may be gayer than the day is long, but the duetted song is just so befitting.” In his...

Matzah Ball Soup Finally Wins FDA Approval

Matzah Ball Soup Finally Wins FDA Approval

Following a prolonged legal battle, the FDA has finally categorized matzah ball soup as a certified cure for several common ailments. The traditional meal, often referred to as “Jewish penicillin,” has been used to treat colds for well over a thousand years, according to numerous Jewish grandmothers. For decades, the FDA has categorized the delicacy as a homeopathic cure, and therefore official approval was withheld. Until recently, that is. RELATED: Israel to Employ Jewish Grandmothers to Force-Feed Palestinian Prisoners on Hunger...

Confused Swedish Family Mistakenly Towed to Port in Israel

Confused Swedish Family Mistakenly Towed to Port in Israel

A group of Swedish holidaymakers have ended up being towed to the port of Ashdod in southern Israel after a series of unfortunate circumstances. Having set sail on a private yacht this week, the Bergeson family from Stockholm was excited for their trip. Unfortunately, the group of yachts they chose to follow out of Gothenburg port was part of last week’s newest flotilla to Gaza. Speaking to The Israeli Daily from the Ashdod port, Ingrid Bergeson, sounding rather terrifying, shouted: “This...

Roger Waters – The Porcine Roots of Anti-Semitism

Roger Waters – The Porcine Roots of Anti-Semitism

New information has surfaced recently, shedding light on what was previously believed to be straightforward anti-Semitism espoused by famed singer and songwriter Roger Waters of Pink Floyd. Waters, who denies all accusations of being an anti-Semite, has repeatedly said that all such accusations are merely “a Judeo-Zionist plot by long-nosed old men to conquer the world and get hold of my money, so typical of those grubby Jews”. In a statement published ahead of his upcoming album, “Another Brick in...

Israeli Air Force Destroys Egyptian Air Force in Attempt to Relive Glory Days

Israeli Air Force Destroys Egyptian Air Force in Attempt to Relive Glory Days

In a kind of mid-life crisis moment, the most powerful air force in the Middle East destroyed its counterpart in neighboring Egypt earlier today. The reason for the aggression was unknown until an interview with an IAF leader. “God, do you remember the Six Day War? That was a real battle!” Commander Ron Shemesh of the IAF told The Israeli Daily,” There was none of this firing rockets at terrorists hiding in homes, like today’s wars.” Apparently, the IAF has...