Middle Eastern diplomacy was dealt a further blow last night after Russian Foreign Minster Lavrov admitted that “There isn’t really a word for ‘ceasefire’ in our language.” Lavrov continued, “No one at the Foreign Affairs Ministry is more embarrassed than me. I’ve been sitting in these Munich meetings all week listening to John Kerry go on about this possible Syrian...
After former Palestinian negotiator Nabil Shaath recently begged the world for increased attention to the Palestinian cause by only semi-rhetorically asking, “do we need to hijack your planes again”?!, relationship experts are now giving The Mideast Beast their unsolicited take on the controversy. Tel Aviv-based art therapist, and owner of seven cats, Dr. Rachel Leah Tamar-Schmaltz told the Mideast Beast...
Mahmoud Al-Tabi, a commander in the armed wing of Hamas, has promised child laborers that their dig to China will ultimately bear fruit. “Don’t worry” he said at a ceremony commemorating the 2014 war with Israel. “We’ve had minor setbacks, but if we push through, we’ll definitely reach Isra, I mean, China very soon. Now, Who wants ice cream?” Dozens of...
Following Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s convincing win in the New Hampshire primary Tuesday night, senior ISIS officials were reported to be desperately looking for “bombable targets” in the small northeastern state. “We were so excited when we heard that this crusader madman had won New Hampshire,” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi explained in an interview with The Mideast Beast....
Exploding the fashion world, the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) announced plans to release their first ever Spring Collection at this week’s New York’s Fashion Week. “A creative force such as ISIS just cannot be contained,” said ISIS spokesperson Stuart Goldstein. “From new currency, to unprecedented brutality, to making sex-slavery cool again, ISIS is setting the world alight, literally....
President Barack Obama has been added to the federal Terrorist Watchlist after NSA surveillance discovered the president had not only attended but spoken at a mosque in Baltimore last week. “Mr. Obama was seen on February 3 entering the Islamic Society of Baltimore, where he stayed for approximately one hour,” one NSA official told The Mideast Beast on the condition...
LOS ANGELES – A Jewish American college student has won $300,000 in damages after she was viciously assaulted at an Israeli-organized falafel promotion event last year. In August 2015, at the opening of the Israeli Foreign Ministry-sponsored International Falafel Pride Week, 19-year-old Natalie Gadoloff was nibbling on her deep-fried mass of ground chickpeas when a group of BDS activists began...
RAMALLAH – Despite habitually threatening to resign, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas – now in the eleventh year of a four-year term – announced earlier today at a press conference that he would seek re-election when his current term ends in infinity years. “The last 11 years have been a time of tremendous economic growth and prosperity for the Palestinian people…...
President Barack Obama announced that he will boycott the Syria peace talks in Geneva, citing a lack of black leaders represented at the UN-sponsored talks. Tweeting under the hashtag “#PeaceTalksSoArab,” Obama complained that no other black leaders were represented at the conference, which aims to open a dialogue between the opposing sides in Syria’s long-running civil war. “Out of all...
“Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s nclr deal is #awful #worstpresidenteva!” said renowned Twitter scholar @Obama_St1nks in response to the deal designed to slow Iran’s nuclear marathon. @Obama_St1nks is not alone in his or her opinion, as hundreds of Twitter academics flocked to join his or her dissension. It does appear that the highly educated and influential intellectuals of social media have deconstructed...
JERUSALEM – Calling him “the Jew-loving anti-Obama we’ve been waiting for,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu smashed diplomatic protocol today by endorsing Donald Trump for U.S. President. Despite the Republican candidate’s stinging loss in the Iowa Caucus, the Israeli premier called the controversial billionaire “a true winner, unafraid to tell it like it is and a man who shares my...
President Barack Obama’s claim that he’s “the closest thing to a Jew that has ever sat in this office” has both Republicans and Democrats running for the 2016 presidential nomination scrambling to highlight their Jewish ancestral roots. “I don’t really look like my brother or sister. And though I was raised in a Spanish-speaking home, I was never able to learn...
U.S. President Barack Obama announced Wednesday he is in the process of reevaluating his relationship with his wife, Michelle, after the First Lady made remarks which the president felt were “hurtful and counterproductive to a positive marital relationship.” The strife began late Monday night, after Michelle discovered that the President had left an open jar of Jiffy’s peanut butter on...
With supporters citing his strong opposition to the Iranian nuclear deal, his position as an outsider in the U.S. political system, and his unparalleled disdain for President Obama, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu surprised pollsters with a fourth-place finish in Monday’s Iowa Republican caucuses. Though he has not declared his candidacy and is not even an American citizen, Netanyahu received...
Lebanese authorities have released a captured vulture that they accused of spying for Israel, after discovering that the bird held deeply anti Semitic and anti-zionist views. According to reports, following its initial detainment, the vulture went on an extended, garbled rant about the Elders of Zion, the occupation, and the Zionist-Jew-controlled media. Some authorities described the bird as “showing clear...
Facing broad criticism for differences between US and Iranian interpretations of the recent framework agreement, President Obama cited Iran’s willingness to pinky swear as proof of their good intentions. “As every child knows,” Obama opined during a press conference, “the pinky swear represents an unbreakable commitment.” Republicans were quick to doubt these assurances. Senator Bob Corker questioned whether there was...
“It all began when bābā told my big bro Bas that he’d one day inherit the entire Middle East, and all I’d get was crappy Palestine,” relays a tearful Bashar al-Assad in one of 200 shocking tapes leaked to TMB by the Syrian President’s once trusted psychotherapist. In the possession of Oxford-educated Dr. Abdul Bhulldustani – who met with President Assad...
Iran has welcomed historic developments as Obama announced that Israel was not a State. The President made the hastily prepared remarks after being politely informed during a game of ‘Name All 50 US States”’ on a flight to Saudi Arabia that Israel was not in fact a US State as he had initially thought. Obama explained Israel’s constant demand to...
In a bombshell announcement earlier today, a high-ranking Iranian official went on the record as saying that Iran was ready to abandon its nuclear pursuits prior to the signing of the now infamous deal with U.S. President Barack Obama. According to the official, the Iranian negotiating team was ready to acquiesce to all demands made by the international community, but...
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bid to distance himself from his older brother’s checkered legacy, GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush has promised a major shift in U.S. Mideast policy. “The Iranians are not the only ones supporting extremism in the region: the Saudis are just as much to blame,” Jeb Bush said in an interview with The Washington Post. “Read...
