Politics

IDF Mistakenly Attacks Eritrea
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IDF Mistakenly Attacks Eritrea

Calling it an understandable error made in the fog of war, the Israel Defense Force (IDF) apologized Monday for accidentally striking targets in the East African country of Eritrea in response to a wave of Palestinian attacks. “The pilots were flying really high and weren’t sure exactly where they were geographically, but when they saw a group of dark-skinned men they assumed...

Israelis and Palestinians Rush to Apologize for Wrongdoings
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Israelis and Palestinians Rush to Apologize for Wrongdoings

In an historic meeting, Israeli and Palestinian officials gathered to spew apologies at one another in order to resolve the latest in a string of violence. After having had enough of outsider interventions, lobbying, and couples therapy, top officials finally took matters into their own hands. Following a particularly hard-hitting epiphany, the Israelis began: “We’re sorry about that whole Hamas takeover...

Archaeologists Make Major Discovery in Convenient Location
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Archaeologists Make Major Discovery in Convenient Location

Archaeologists working near the Temple Mount in Jerusalem have discovered remarkably well-preserved ruins that appear to predate both Jewish and Arab Muslim and Arab Christian settlements in the region.  Unable to immediately identify the origin of the structures, the diggers from the Israeli Department of Antiquities are presently focused on determining the functions that may have been performed at the...

Hamas Changes Relationship Status with Amnesty International to “It’s Complicated”
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Hamas Changes Relationship Status with Amnesty International to “It’s Complicated”

Reacting to Amnesty International’s release of a report this past March indicating that the Gaza terror organization actually killed more Palestinians civilians than Israeli civilians (clearly illustrated in the image above) during the 2014 conflict, a shocked and disappointed Hamas has change its relationship status with the human rights monitor to “it’s complicated.” A bewildered and visibly distraught Hamas commented “For...

Israel to Boycott Paris’ Left Bank Products
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Israel to Boycott Paris’ Left Bank Products

In a retaliatory new strategy to fight European countries’ endorsement of a BDS boycott of products made or produced in the West Bank, an anti-BDS movement is being launched by Israel to shun products from the Left Bank in Paris. ‘Left Bank? No Thanks.’ The embargo officially begins with products from the Left Bank of the River Seine in Paris and...

Syria’s President Set to Resign After Discovery of Private E-mail Account
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Syria’s President Set to Resign After Discovery of Private E-mail Account

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad announced that he will resign from his position after it was discovered that he had been using a private e-mail account to conduct government business, leading opponents and supporters alike to question whether Assad is trustworthy. As of recent, he is the second high-profile individual to face this accusation. “While I was bothered by Mr. Assad’s...

Following Terror Wave, Hamas and Israel Issue Joint Statement Condemning Violence Outside Months of June-August
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Following Terror Wave, Hamas and Israel Issue Joint Statement Condemning Violence Outside Months of June-August

Calling for a de-escalation of violence following a recent wave of terror that has erupted in Israel and the West Bank, Israel and Hamas have jointly described the current situation as “senseless,” and “stupid now that the weather is so pleasant.” Hamas spokesman Ahmed al-Tabi told The Mideast Beast, “war makes sense in the summer because it’s hot as balls,...

Syrian President Blasts Nobel Committee After Peace Prize Snub
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Syrian President Blasts Nobel Committee After Peace Prize Snub

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad lashed out at the Nobel Committee, soon after the group once again failed to award the strongman its coveted Peace Prize. “When they overlooked me last year, after I gave up my sweet-ass chemical weapons – well, most of them – I was a little stunned,” Assad told The Mideast Beast. “But three years in a row? Its...

Kerry Urges Military Action Against Nobel Prize Committee
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Kerry Urges Military Action Against Nobel Prize Committee

Calling the committee “a bunch of stupid jerks” and saying he “never wanted their dumb award anyway,” an inconsolable U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry demanded that President Obama take military action against the Nobel Committee, as well as the group chosen for the 2015 Peace Prize, the Tunisian National Dialogue Quartet. Kerry had expected to win the prize for...

Israel Announces Plan to Build 2,000 Hurdles in East Jerusalem
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Israel Announces Plan to Build 2,000 Hurdles in East Jerusalem

In a move the Palestinian Authority is calling, ‘the most perfect metaphor in history,’ this morning the Israeli government released a statement announcing their intention to build 2,000 hurdles in East Jerusalem in preparation for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games. Construction will take place by the end of the month, and Israel maintains that the new structures will serve as...

Syria: ‘We want UN Resolutions too!’
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Syria: ‘We want UN Resolutions too!’

“Why does Israel get all of the UN’s attention?” That’s the question Syrian officials have been asking lately. “Would it kill the UN Security Council to pass a few resolutions our way? There are more UN resolutions against Israel than against North Korea, Iraq, and us combined. I mean, come on! We’ve killed 10 times more people in three years...

Jerusalem Activists Begin Bold ‘Freedom Stabbing’ Initiative, US College Groups Consider Doing the Same in Solidarity
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Jerusalem Activists Begin Bold ‘Freedom Stabbing’ Initiative, US College Groups Consider Doing the Same in Solidarity

In what is considered yet another victory for the Palestinian cause, activists in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv have embarked on a bold new campaign. The new initiative, ‘Freedom Stabbing,’ involves, as its name implies, stabbing people until the rights of the Palestinian people are recognized. “This type of behavior is clearly a natural product of the occupation,” says Jon Gold,...

Air Force Gang Bang Above Syria Prepared to Shoot a Load
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Air Force Gang Bang Above Syria Prepared to Shoot a Load

According to United States Army Major General Walter J. Foreskin, as he met with senior CENTCOM brass to discuss latest developments in Russia’s military intervention in Syria, “It’s one big cluster fuck up there.” Competing coalition forces are jogging for position and air superiority in the unfriendly skies above Syria ushering in a dangerous turn of events in the brutal civil...

ISIS Narrowly Avoids Catastrophe of Kidnapping a Russian
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ISIS Narrowly Avoids Catastrophe of Kidnapping a Russian

Jihad-waging video-blogging organization ISIS had a brush with disaster Tuesday morning as it came close to releasing a hostage video of a Russian citizen. The upload was halted at the last second by Kamal al-Virali, ISIS’ VP of social media, thus saving the entirety of Northern Iraq from being carpet-bombed by Putin. The incident began Monday morning when Andrey Nedodumov,...

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Dictionary (Part I)
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Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Dictionary (Part I)

Israel noun (iz-ree-uh-l) Middle Eastern founded in 1948, the nation-state of the Jewish People. Imperialist, colonial extension of the West, inserted artificially into the Middle East by stealing Arab land. Palestine noun (pal-uh-stahyn) The region, formerly under control of the British Mandate, which includes modern Israel, Jordan, and the Palestinian Territories. Named by the Romans following their conquest of the...

Palestinians Are “Just Regular People,” Shocking New Study Finds
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Palestinians Are “Just Regular People,” Shocking New Study Finds

A monumental shift in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is sure to take place following the release of some astonishing findings in a new Hebrew University study. The multi-year study investigated a somewhat simple hypothesis, but one which is rarely considered. It turns out, the paper states, “That contrary to what many believe, Palestinians are just regular people. Like the authors of...

In Blow to Obama, Putin Enacts Tougher Gun Laws in U.S.
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In Blow to Obama, Putin Enacts Tougher Gun Laws in U.S.

In a move sure to once again embarrass President Obama, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced Saturday that he would begin enforcing stricter gun laws in the U.S. after years of inaction by the American government. “They’ve been dithering for too long and the time has come to act decisively,” Putin said in a press conference, announcing that his forces would...

Islamic State’s Porn Industry Condemned
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Islamic State’s Porn Industry Condemned

The Islamic State today condemned the new nation’s porn sector after one leading production studio released a 30-minute length adult movie entitled “Giving Head to an Infidel.” The film was already expected to be controversial after leaked news it would star an Arab Christian. Yet, this paled in comparison to the outrage expressed by citizens in the caliphate today. The...