Politics

Feeling Outdone by ISIS, Hamas Establishes ‘Harvard of Jihadi Horror’
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Feeling Outdone by ISIS, Hamas Establishes ‘Harvard of Jihadi Horror’

Vowing to “double down on our undying bloodlust,” Gaza’s prime minister opened the College of Innovative Infidel Killing & Eradication (CIKE) yesterday, cutting the black-and-green striped ribbon before executing 26 “perfidious Zionist spies” in celebration. “We are especially proud of our trailblazing degrees like the Bachelor of Jew Slaughter and Master of Homocide – the first of their kind in...

Experts Impressed After Trump Correctly Pronounces ‘Syria’ in Foreign Policy Speech
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Experts Impressed After Trump Correctly Pronounces ‘Syria’ in Foreign Policy Speech

Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump surprised foreign policy experts this week, delivering a speech in which he not only refrained from promising to nuke any of America’s allies but correctly pronounced the names of several Middle Eastern nations, including Syria. “I had expected him to nail Libya and Egypt, since those are pretty easy to pronounce,” former Middle East negotiator...

Study Finds Link Between Islamophobia, Sensitivity Level of Muslims
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Study Finds Link Between Islamophobia, Sensitivity Level of Muslims

The world is still abuzz following the announcement of findings from a team of Oxford University researchers on the topic of Islamophobia.  Like the word “consent” in a frat house, “Islamophobia” is a somewhat vague term that is applied to all kinds of situations, sometimes inappropriately.  According to the researchers, levels of Islamophobia are strongly correlated with how sensitive Muslims...

IDF Admits to Enlisting at Least One Dick
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IDF Admits to Enlisting at Least One Dick

“Every organization of any kind usually has more than one,” said IDF commander Daniel Shimshon earlier today, speaking about dicks. “Now, we definitely know that we have at least one.”  These comments came on the heel of an event that, much like a high schooler’s poetry about the pain of being dumped after just six months (please come back, Stephanie!), was...

ISIS Disbands After Obama Finally Says ‘Radical Islamic Terrorism’
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ISIS Disbands After Obama Finally Says ‘Radical Islamic Terrorism’

The Islamic State terrorist group was sent fleeing Sunday when, after seven years of refusing to do so, President Barack Obama used the words “radical Islamic terrorism.” Speaking from the East Room in the White House, President Obama gave the shortest address of his time in office – after finally uttering the three-word phrase, Obama left the podium. His address...

EU Calls for Labelling Bernie Sanders as Jewish
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EU Calls for Labelling Bernie Sanders as Jewish

In a move that has outraged Jewish groups throughout the United States, the European Union has called for Democratic Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders to be clearly labelled as “Jewish.” “We feel that many voters are unaware of Bernie’s true identity,” one high-ranking EU official said yesterday in a statement. “Senator Sanders will have to wear a mark of some sort to...

Ted Cruz Promises to Put Netanyahu’s Wife on the United States Twenty-Dollar Bill

Ted Cruz Promises to Put Netanyahu’s Wife on the United States Twenty-Dollar Bill

In a move aimed at positioning himself as the election’s most stridently pro-Israel candidate, Texas Senator Ted Cruz promised to scrap plans to put anti-slavery activist Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill and to instead place Israeli First Lady Sara Netanyahu on the currency. RELATED: Ted Cruz: “Barack Obama Doesn’t Want to Kill Civilians. I Do” “If we must put a...

Region Celebrates Local Community’s Passover Dinner Solution to Arab-Israeli Conflict
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Region Celebrates Local Community’s Passover Dinner Solution to Arab-Israeli Conflict

Cheers and Nobel Peace Prize nominations reigned as Miami congregation Beit Chazarai’s community Seder attendees unveiled their proposal to end the Middle East conflict. Leaders from Kissinger to King Abdullah of Jordan praised the participants out of the box approach. “I am awe struck at their genius,” perennial peace negotiator Shimon Peres told TMB. “Stationing troops in the Jordan Valley...

Clueless Kasich Asks Jewish Students “If Christian or Muslim Blood Tastes Better in Matzah”
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Clueless Kasich Asks Jewish Students “If Christian or Muslim Blood Tastes Better in Matzah”

The Jewish outreach efforts of GOP Presidential hopeful John Kasich ended in a hail of menacing matzah balls after he invoked an infamous anti-Semitic falsehood during a recent campaign stop in Brooklyn. Ahead of Passover and the Republican New York primary, Kasich met with Orthodox Jews at a Borough Park yeshivah in an attempt to win their votes ­– and perhaps sway...

U.S. Jews Torn between Adding Trump Fans or Bernie Bros as 11th Plague at Passover Dinner
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U.S. Jews Torn between Adding Trump Fans or Bernie Bros as 11th Plague at Passover Dinner

Ahead of Passover, many Jewish Americans are debating which extra plague to include in the Seder night recitation of the Ten Plagues of Egypt. “Trump fans and Bernie Bros are as idiotic and dangerous as each other,” said Ira Abrahmovitz, who is weighing which group to add to the list of biblical plagues that Jews read out alone during Seder. “Whether...

Trump: “Obama is Too Politically Correct to Kill Terrorists’ Families”
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Trump: “Obama is Too Politically Correct to Kill Terrorists’ Families”

Citing President Obama’s adherence to international law when it comes to killing civilians, Donald Trump told the media that the president is overly controlled by “political correctness,” and that a President Trump would kill all families of suspected terrorists, presumably including the children. “International law?” Trump spat in response to a reporter’s question about the Geneva Conventions. “Do you think these...

Hamas Destroys Gaza Tunnels after Exposing Underground Arab-on-Jew Butt-Butt Parties
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Hamas Destroys Gaza Tunnels after Exposing Underground Arab-on-Jew Butt-Butt Parties

Gaza’s prime minister announced today that six attack tunnels leading into Israel had been demolished, claiming they were “dens of homo-Zionist depravity.” Speaking on Al Aqsa TV, Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh alleged that hundreds of Gazan and Israeli men had been meeting regularly in the tunnels to engage “in acts of bestial proportions,” and that even though the destroyed tunnels degraded...

PayPal to Relocate North Carolina Jobs to Iran in Protest of ‘Bathroom Laws’
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PayPal to Relocate North Carolina Jobs to Iran in Protest of ‘Bathroom Laws’

A week after announcing it would cancel plans to expand its operation into North Carolina due to the passage of its controversial “bathroom laws,” the online payment company PayPal will instead be opening offices in the Islamic Republic of Iran, the company announced Thursday. “As corporate citizens, we will not stand by and tolerate injustice or discrimination, especially against the...

Despite Employing Only One Arab Editor, ‘Liberal’ Israeli Newspaper Owner Slams Workplace Inequality
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Despite Employing Only One Arab Editor, ‘Liberal’ Israeli Newspaper Owner Slams Workplace Inequality

TEL AVIV – Amos Schocken, publisher of left-leaning Israeli daily Haaretz, has come under fire from a well-known Arab Knesset member after he published a scathing opinion article denouncing “the atrocious underrepresentation of Arab Israelis in the professions.” Reacting to a report by rights group Adalah, Schocken wrote: “Despite Arabs comprising over 20% of Israel’s population, they constitute just 1.2% of tenured academics, and a paltry 0.7% of doctors in public hospitals. This...