Politics

EU Removes Hamas from Terrorist Blacklist, Adds Billy Joel

EU Removes Hamas from Terrorist Blacklist, Adds Billy Joel

The European Court of Justice has removed Hamas from its blacklist of terrorist organizations while adding millions of individuals around the world to it. According to the Luxembourg-based court’s ruling, “Hamas is rough around the edges, no doubt, but those green bandanas are bang on trend. By laying the smack down on this one rascally group of dashing, daring pranksters, the court has done little to prosecute far greater cultural offenders.” With Hamas no longer a focal point, the EU...

Netanyahu: ‘Winter Is Coming’

Netanyahu: ‘Winter Is Coming’

Aides of Benjamin Netanyahu expressed frustration this week at the PM’s new habit of quoting Game of Thrones in official government communications. Aides say they noticed something was off when Netanyahu called a press conference to discuss the recent breakdown in the coalition government and concluded with: “Prepare, my friends, winter is coming.” Reports indicate this all began when the Mossad hacked the computer of Hamas’ leader and obtained his HBOGo account credentials, which were presented to the PM in...

Special Report: Scientology, Israeli elections, the Middle East, and world domination

Special Report: Scientology, Israeli elections, the Middle East, and world domination

The decision for early Israeli parliamentary elections follows a drunken argument at a secret, orgiastic ceremony last week. It is rumored that Tom Cruise might have presided as High Priest at the Scientology Center in Tel Aviv. A number of top Israeli politicians fought over who should first have sex with Yuvalit Abramovich, a one time transgender soap opera actor-turned Scientology volunteer, who has since been reported missing. Given that an ISIS recruitment video was found on her computer, no...

New Jersey Man Arrested After Hamas Leader is Found Using His HBOGo Account

New Jersey Man Arrested After Hamas Leader is Found Using His HBOGo Account

27-year-old New Jersey native, Tony Marini, was taken into custody by the FBI earlier today under suspicion of connections to the terrorist organization, Hamas. Marini has been denying the association since his arrest. The connection in question? Marini’s HBOGo account. A months-long FBI sting uncovered the fact that Hamas leader, Khaled Mashal, has been watching Game of Thrones via Marini’s account. RELATED: Hamas to be the first to explore new galaxy “I don’t know how that happened!” exclaims Marini from...

Special Report: Netanyahu to seek political asylum in the U.S.

Special Report: Netanyahu to seek political asylum in the U.S.

Following his decision last week to dissolve the government, leading to new elections in March 2015, Prime Minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu has applied for political asylum in the United States. Bibi, who last week accused the Finance Minister of an attempted coup, now says he is no longer safe in Israel. “Look, you’re not paranoid if people are out to get you,” Netanyahu noted. “I’ve managed to piss off all 120 Members of Parliament and eight million Israeli citizens, give...

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

Netanyahu Determined to Replicate American Voter Apathy in Israeli Elections

It’s election time in Israel again, and Benjamin Netanyahu is hoping to replicate the recent US elections, where only a third of the electorate participated. Netanyahu’s political advisors are white boarding strategies to replicate the same voter apathy in Israel, an apparent silver-bullet for winning elections for conservatives. “We currently get about 70% voter participation,” Netanyahu said. “That’s way too high. Israel attracts voters from across the political spectrum, and that’s our problem. Most Americans seem to have just given...

Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error

Ashton Kutcher Nominated as Secretary of Defense Due to Clerical Error

Ashton Kutcher was accidentally nominated U.S. Secretary of Defense yesterday as the result of a White House back-office mistake. The nomination was supposed to go to Pentagon veteran Ashton Carter, but a low-level white house intern added Kutcher’s name instead. “What kind of parents name their kid Ashton?” the intern asked. “Who would’ve thought there were actually two Ashtons in the world, let a lone one serious enough to run the Department of Defense.” Republicans jumped on the announcement, with...

Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace

Sex rites under Temple Mount bring hopes for peace

While violent protests continue to flare up on the Temple Mount, 20 metres below in the Western Wall Tunnels, a secret group of Jews and Palestinians are engaging in late night candle lit tantric sex rites, while all of the really angry people are fast asleep. Emanuel Metuach, the controversial leader of the group, explained in an ecstatic voice; “Here we are uniting Jehova and Allah, into Jehovallah, and this is the name we call out when we climax, though...

United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri

United Nations Recognizes Independence of Ferguson, Missouri

In response to the ongoing series of protests and civil disorder the United Nations has drafted a resolution acknowledging the sovereignty of Ferguson, Missouri. “We used to kick ass and take names. But over the last few months, the United Nations has become like the smart, quiet chick in high school. Lots to say but no one’s listening since she’s not screwing the quarterback,” UN Spokesperson Hans Rapp stated in response to the quickly drafted declaration of Ferguson’s independence. RELATED: Mel Gibson Appointed...

Iran Nuclear Talks Abandoned as a Result of ABBA Concert

Iran Nuclear Talks Abandoned as a Result of ABBA Concert

Hard partying senior level diplomats in Vienna have brought the Iranian nuclear talks to a screeching halt. An outbreak of laryngitis has been diagnosed as causing the sudden derailment of negotiations over Iran’s atomic ambitions. On Saturday night, British Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond and French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius were seen slam dancing during ’80s night at Fledermaus, one of Vienna’s hottest nightclubs. Fabius was last heard yelling “Hey Phil, wake me up before you go-go!” before passing out in...

‘Silent intifada’ stems from ‘micro-penis’ complex

‘Silent intifada’ stems from ‘micro-penis’ complex

A recent study from the Hebrew University in Jerusalem has found that the ongoing ‘silent Intifada’ is a direct result of Palestinian leaders’ so-called ‘micro-penis complex’. The study’s head researcher Dr. Avi Cohen explained; “There is nothing more phallic than terror attacks, you know, apart from actual penises. Stabbing at something and exploding onto or into people are both highly sexually symbolic. We would assume someone commanding others to commit these sorts of attacks in such volume is obviously overcompensating...

Netanyahu Proposes Compromise Bill Declaring “Israel the Nation State of Falafel”

Netanyahu Proposes Compromise Bill Declaring “Israel the Nation State of Falafel”

Following the row in his coalition around the ‘Jewish State Bill’ that would have placed Israel’s status as a Jewish State ahead of its commitment to democracy, Prime Minister Netanyahu hoped to lessen tensions with a Bill making Israel the Nation State of Falafel.  “Falafel is the national food of Israel and of the Jewish people.  It is our unifying symbol, and it’s delicious.  Let all Israelis stand with me in support of fried balls as the heritage of the...

Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?

Ferguson Police taking tactical tips from ISIS?

A rumored Snowden leak details the Ferguson Police Department’s inability to actually carry out the whole policing thing, and points out that they are drawing tactical inspiration from ISIS to handle the situation because “they just can’t deal.” Speaking to The Mideast Beast’s Chris Peacock, the Ferguson Chief of Police stated, “This just got out of hand really quickly; one moment we were carrying out low level racial profiling, the next we’re knee deep in a ‘Southern Fried Intifada’. The...

UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”

UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”

On the heels of declaring her kneidlach a “violation of the Convention Against Landmines” and her homemade pickles as “barely skirting the biological weapons ban,” The Human Rights Council voted overwhelmingly Tuesday to declare Bubbie’s brisket a “war crime.” Council President Baudelaire Ndong Ella of Gabon made the announcement declaring that “the time had come. The Council cannot sit idle in the face of such tragic destruction of otherwise perfectly edible meat. We felt compelled to act.” Israeli Prime Minister...

Russell Brand: “Freedom for Oompa Loompas!”

Russell Brand: “Freedom for Oompa Loompas!”

Russell Brand has revealed that his new ’cause celebre’ will be to end the exploitation of Oompa Loompas by the confectionery industry likening it to his struggle for justice for the Palestinian people. Brand took up the cause after watching the late night documentary, ‘Charlie and the ‎Chocolate Factory’. Speaking exclusively to The Israeli Daily Brand said, “I suddenly saw this thing on TV and thought that’s just not on, all that working and chocolate eating. It’s like when I...

Major BDS Victory: Texas Town Changes Name from ‘Hebron’ to ‘Palestine’

Major BDS Victory: Texas Town Changes Name from ‘Hebron’ to ‘Palestine’

Hebron, Texas has changed its name to ‘Palestine’ following pressure from an international campaign to boycott the town and steal the hubcaps off its residents’ Ford pickup trucks. Sammy Sarraf, a spokesperson for the Free Palestine Boycott, Divestment and Sanction Movement (BDS), told The Israeli Daily that the decision of Hebron, located in Collin and Denton counties with a population of 415, “shows that the BDS movement is increasingly capable of holding criminals to account for their participation in Israeli apartheid and...

Netanyahu Writes Secret Letter to Abbas: Does the Road to Peace Run Through The Las Vegas Strip?

Netanyahu Writes Secret Letter to Abbas: Does the Road to Peace Run Through The Las Vegas Strip?

With Israeli police on high alert amid riots in Jerusalem and Galilee, it is being reported that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has invited Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas on a roadtrip to Las Vegas in an attempt to diffuse rising tensions between Jerusalem and Ramallah. “Vegas, baby!” is how a letter allegedly written late last week by Netanyahu to Abbas begins. “Mahmoud, boychik, I’m strung out: I’ll see your ‘Right of Return’ and raise you a laid back, acoustic...

Palestinian leader Abbas embroiled in investment scandal

Palestinian leader Abbas embroiled in investment scandal

Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas has found himself in hot water recently as revelations regarding his investment portfolio were inadvertently made public through a glitch in his online trading account. Abbas apparently has investments in pork futures and a heavy stake in SodaStream®.  The transaction report – obtained by The Israeli Daily – reveals a pattern of aggressive investing in exclusively Israeli-owned companies, and an unusually high number of commodities ventures, such as cattle futures in India and pork futures in...

Israel to Change Name of Jerusalem to…

Israel to Change Name of Jerusalem to…

As the United States Supreme Court considers Jerusalem’s status on US passports, the Israeli government is seeking to deflate the negative connotations long associated with its capital city by submitting a referendum to the citizens of Israel that will decide on a new name and motto for the current ‘Jerusalem: God’s Feisty Kitty’. While not a single Israeli government ministry was available for comment on the decision to hold a snap vote, TID has obtained an as yet unconfirmed list...

After GOP Victory, Netanyahu Horrified to Learn Obama Still President

After GOP Victory, Netanyahu Horrified to Learn Obama Still President

After the Republican rout on Tuesday, in which the GOP took over the Senate and increased their majority in the House of Representatives, Israeli officials were shocked and dismayed to learn that President Barack Obama will remain in office for another two years. “Prime Minister Netanyahu called the White House to congratulate Mitch McConnell on his election to the highest office in the land and was caught off guard when Obama picked up the phone,” explained a senior Israeli official....