A devastating civil war is wreaking havoc on Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s immune system, forcing him to suspend his campaign to wipe out any possibility of democracy and seek urgent medical care. “It began with the occasional dizzy spell when government helicopters were dropping barrel bombs on schools, hospitals, old age homes and other critical military targets. But nowadays, he...
Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi apologized Saturday for plagiarizing President Barack Obama’s 2008 victory speech saying that he has already punished those responsible. “First, I find out that our speech writer, my sister’s husband Grabbir Bouby, is screwing my half-brother Sahib al-Suq. Then it’s brought to my attention that his replacement, my brother Muhammad’s boy, is dyslexic. Who’s doing...
CAIRO –Thousands of Egyptian locals and foreign tourists awoke to a startling sight on Wednesday: the pyramids of Giza, the only surviving marvel of the Seven Ancient Wonders of the World, had been pinkwashed overnight. While many were at first convinced that the peculiar color was merely a reflection of the desert sunrise, it soon became clear that the ancient...
Saying that he has always been one to acknowledge when he is wrong, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump is reportedly prepared to admit before the 2020 election that President Obama and Hillary Clinton did not, in fact, found ISIS. “After Mr. Trump claimed that President Obama was born in Kenya and that his birth certificate was a forgery, it was...
Damascus has been chosen to host the 2020 Olympics, as the International Olympic Committee selected the Syrian capital due to logistical considerations. “Frankly, the difficulty of getting close to 200 delegations into the host country is always a challenge,” IOC President Thomas Bach said. “Given how many countries already have a strong presence in Syria, this job will be much,...
Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas has agreed to meet with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in Moscow, with television personality Dr. Phil McGraw to serve as U.S. Special Envoy for the negotiations. “Let’s get real. The Middle East is one giant clusterfuck. Well, the doctor is in the house and I will lock eyeballs with Netanyahu and Abbas and won’t let...
Noting that there was no easy way to broach the subject, advisors of Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson told reporters they are discussing how to tell their candidate about the tragic September 11 terrorist attacks that occurred 15 years ago. “There are going to be ceremonies all day Sunday, so it’s just a matter of time before he starts asking...
Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has accused international news channels of being responsible for the slaughter of hundreds of thousands of Syrians since the civil war broke out in 2011. “Want to end the genocide in Syria? Get the Zionist-controlled media out of my bedroom. All those cameras make me sweat uncontrollably during the day and break out in hives at...
A teenager who spent hours between school classes on his laptop, hacking websites belonging to the Iranian government, has been thanked for finding security gaps that could’ve been exploited by Iran’s enemies. 18-year old Atila Fikri was praised by Iranian Defense Minister Hossein Dehghan: “Anti-revolutionary, Zionist-funded, black-hat hackers are attempting to crash our networks. Once, during an all-night security meeting and...
HOLLYWOOD – Warner Bros. Pictures announced that Christopher Nolan will direct a reboot of the super villain movie, Suicide Squad. After the 2016 release disappointed critics and fans alike, the studio was giddy at the prospect of another attempt at the film with a different approach. “I took time to think how we could make the movie more modern and...
Saying they were being denied their “fundamental human right” to assault Jewish individuals at will, BDS supporters at UCLA have called for a “safe space” for anti-Semites on campus. “Being able to beat up a defenseless Jew is our right, and we demand that UCLA provide us with a safe space to do so,” the president of UCLA’s Students for...
The Turkish government has blocked Facebook and Twitter after a public dust-up involving the Islamic Republic of Iran, Israel and a slew of attack fans. “Real fans of martial law and mass arrests wouldn’t be throwing shade at my new friends,” Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan tweeted after supporters of his regime got hostile over a picture of him and Israeli Prime...
“Are you tired of having to buy cumbersome and expensive body bags after finishing an honor killing?” Asks a new Saudi Arabian commercial, “then you need the Burkbody Bag!” Honor killings are, much like Bill Cosby, a disturbing reality for too many women across the world. And while this type of murder is viewed by the international community as being...
The Qatar Investment Authority has bought a 51% stake in the San Francisco 49ers, just days after quarterback Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the US national anthem. “While receiving an amazing Thai massage from a young Filipina girl I purchased on Alibaba.com it hit me: waging Jihad is just like playing football. Both are well funded forms of organized...
SAN FRANCISCO — Saying he had just learned of the ongoing war in Syria as well as other tragedies across the Middle East, 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has vowed not to leave his bed until there’s “change” in the region and an end to all violence and suffering. “First, when I heard about all the violence and racism in America...
A few days ago, Carl Rickman was just another University of Connecticut Husky trying to survive summer semester finals. The sophomore economics major and Beta Theta Pi bro never thought he would be catapulted to center stage of world peace for his brave and intelligent academic work. Rickman was attending the Tuesday lecture of his political science course this past...
RIYADH — A special criminal court in Saudi Arabia has sentenced an Egyptian man to six years in prison on charges of sorcery, violating labor laws, and using wizardry to aid Saudi Arabia’s personal Voldemort, Iran. The Egyptian is accused of emailing sensitive diplomatic intel to Iran, including information on Saudi troop movements and the proper way to pronounce Wingardium...
A number of anti-Semitic and anti-Israel incidents have landed the UK Labour party in hot water. The party recently severed ties with a security firm due to its ties to Israel; MP Naz Shah was suspended for old Facebook posts suggesting that Israel be relocated to the US, while former London Mayor Ken Livingstone was suspended for comments claiming Hitler supported Zionism. Additionally,...
In a crucial amendment to her widespread desire to spread Sharia law across the country, a spokesman for Hillary Clinton has explained that this will only actually apply to Anthony Weiner come 2017. “As many Breitbart readers know, we’ve been toying with replacing the red, white and blue with the black and white for some time. But to be honest...
Homophobes throughout the Holy Land are cowering in fear after a spate of attacks by a binational militia, TMB can reveal. Under the cover of night, armed masked ‘Swordsmen of Canaan’ have been methodically targeting rabbis, imams and politicians who openly preach anti-LGBT hatred. Following a months-long investigation, the Mideast Beast has learned that the militia is comprised of about 70 expertly trained...
