Politics

Netanyahu Hopes Nuclear Armageddon Will Lessen Pressure for Peace Talks
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Netanyahu Hopes Nuclear Armageddon Will Lessen Pressure for Peace Talks

Saying that he was “rather optimistic” given the current climate, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is reportedly hopeful that the escalating situation between nuclear-armed North Korea and the United States may obviate the need for peace negotiations with the Palestinians. “I’ve been procrastinating on serious negotiations for years, and frankly I am afraid that I’m running out of excuses,” Netanyahu...

Study Finds Death Worst Way to Occupy Territory

Study Finds Death Worst Way to Occupy Territory

A researcher at the Tel Aviv Institute of Technology has released the results of a 50-year study on the best methods to occupy territory. Dr. Sara Berg measured total land occupation held before and after an individual’s death. Samples came from a group of 400 male and 243 female subjects. The subjects were further separated into categories and asked to...

‘Couch Jihadi’ Wins Cannabis Strain of the Year at Inaugural ‘Palestoned Cup’
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‘Couch Jihadi’ Wins Cannabis Strain of the Year at Inaugural ‘Palestoned Cup’

EAST JERUSALEM – In the wake of President Abbas’ shock executive order legalizing cannabis earlier this year, the Palestinian Authority held its inaugural National Cannabis Awards last night, honoring a range of stellar strains developed by a vanguard of patriotic potpreneaurs. Dubbed the ‘Palestoned Cup’ by promoters, a packed Faisal Al-Husseini International Stadium erupted in applause when the judges crowned...

Cubs Fans Riot Over Metal Detectors at Wrigley Field
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Cubs Fans Riot Over Metal Detectors at Wrigley Field

Saying that they were being denied access to a venue of nearly religious significance, fans of the Chicago Cubs have kicked off riots demanding the removal of metal detectors at entrances to Wrigley Field. Though the metal detectors have been in place since the beginning of the 2016 season, they were relatively uncontroversial until recent months, when Jerusalem saw riots...

Scaramucci Sent to Defuse al-Aqsa Situation

Scaramucci Sent to Defuse al-Aqsa Situation

Jerusalem – Former White House Communications Director, Anthony Scaramucci’s, colorful use of language is set to be further utilized by President Donald Trump , with his announcement that he sending  ‘The Mooch’ to diffuse tensions over the al-Aqsa Mosque. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee announced, “The President believes we need a new face on the ground in Jerusalem to...

Netanyahu Gets Rid of Guy Who Names Military Operations
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Netanyahu Gets Rid of Guy Who Names Military Operations

A significant rise in international condemnation following Operation Protective Edge has led Netanyahu to fire the man who named the military operation. In an interview with The Mideast Beast, the Israeli premier stated that “Operation Pillar of Defence definitely made it seem like Hamas started it. Protective Edge? We’re not Durex. Of course, we are going to lose the Western...

US Senate Confirms Iran Much Easier Than Health Care

US Senate Confirms Iran Much Easier Than Health Care

The 98-2 United States Senate vote to impose new sanctions on Iran has confirmed once and for all that Middle Eastern international relations is tons easier than health care. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell commented earlier today, “Many people have suggested that on health care reform we choked bigger than the Boston Red Sox, but those guys can kiss my...

In Deadline Deal, US Swaps Trump for Rouhani, Cash Considerations

In Deadline Deal, US Swaps Trump for Rouhani, Cash Considerations

In a move both sides say will bolster their political roster, the US has traded President Donald Trump to Iran for President Hassan Rouhani and cash considerations just before Monday’s trade deadline. Iran will also receive a politician to be named later. Sources familiar with the deal told The Mideast Beast that the trade made sense for both sides. While...

Iranian State TV: Actually, We’re Lit AF On Air
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Iranian State TV: Actually, We’re Lit AF On Air

A spokesman for Iranian state television has confirmed that its presenters are buzzed pretty much all the time. “It’s pretty much the only way they can get through a show without breaking down. To be fair how do you think you would cope if each night you had to lead with stories on how terrible the great Satan is and...

EU Spokesperson in Israel Discovered to be a Fax Machine From 1994

EU Spokesperson in Israel Discovered to be a Fax Machine From 1994

After nearly 20 years of releasing the same anodyne statements regarding violence between Israelis and Palestinians, calling for “calm” and “restraint on both sides”, the European Union diplomatic offices are facing a potentially embarrassing situation. Officials have been scrambling to explain themselves after it was discovered early last week that the role of spokesperson to the European Union Delegation to...

Prophet Muhammed: “What’s the Big F%@king Deal?”

Prophet Muhammed: “What’s the Big F%@king Deal?”

As tensions rise in Jerusalem over Israel’s decision to increase security measures at the Temple Mount, one of Islam’s most sacred places, Prophet Muhammed breaks His silence as His patience began to wear thin.  It’s been a long time since anyone has heard from the Prophet, and the leader of Islam hopes that every one of his followers will take...

Sean Spicer Dons Burka

Sean Spicer Dons Burka

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer donned the enveloping outer garment shortly after leaving the press room for the last time. Challenged by a reporter from The New York Times he commented, “Let’s be honest over the last six months I’ve been forced to say and do some things up at the podium and in the bushes that have,...

Trudeau to Pay O.J. Simpson $10 Million
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Trudeau to Pay O.J. Simpson $10 Million

Saying that his government was “terribly sorry” about the way the former NFL superstar has been treated following his conviction on charges of armed robbery, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has agreed to pay $10 million to O.J. Simpson. “Just like Omar Khadr, O.J. is the true victim,” said Trudeau, referring to the former Guantanamo detainee also given a $10...

Netanyahu: Immediately Repeal IDF; Replace with “Something Great” Later

Netanyahu: Immediately Repeal IDF; Replace with “Something Great” Later

Citing “critical mistakes made in past conflicts,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced today his plans to immediately repeal the Israeli Defense Force (IDF) and replace it with “Something Great, probably in a couple of years.” Citing the stance taken by President Trump on healthcare reform he commented, “I looked at the performance of the IDF in the 2014 Gaza...

Trump: ‘Russia Collusion as Real as Syrian Ceasefire Deal’

Trump: ‘Russia Collusion as Real as Syrian Ceasefire Deal’

Responding to reporters regarding his alleged collusion with the Russian government, President Trump responded, “Fake news. All of it. You know these rumors are about as real as the chances of my ceasefire deal in Syria actually working out, right?” A reporter was overheard talking with a colleague, “Wait I’m confused. Okay, so if the Russia collusion isn’t real, the...

Following Resolution on Jerusalem and Hebron, UNESCO Denies “Heaven’s Gate” Connection to Hale-Bopp Comet
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Following Resolution on Jerusalem and Hebron, UNESCO Denies “Heaven’s Gate” Connection to Hale-Bopp Comet

Hoping that their decision would help counter charges of antisemitism, UNESCO voted today in favor of a resolution on the Hale-Bopp Comet that leaves out any mention of its connection to the Heaven’s Gate religious group. The vote comes after the organization passed a similar resolution denying any Jewish connection to the Western Wall and Temple Mount in Israel, as...

Assad Offers Humanitarian Assistance to Lena Dunham’s Dogs
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Assad Offers Humanitarian Assistance to Lena Dunham’s Dogs

Saying that he could no longer stand by in the face of such needless suffering, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has agreed to take in a limited number of dog refugees from actress Lena Dunham. Assad’s offer comes after reports that a healthy dog adopted by Dunham in 2014 was later returned to the animal shelter showing signs of PTSD. “While...