MARICOPA, AL-ARIZONASTAN — On Friday, President Trump pardoned controversial ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, commenting that his “only crime was protecting the Caliphate from non-believers.” “Despite the failing New York Times’ description of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and his aggressive efforts to hunt down and detain infidels, Abu was only attempting to protect his citizens and land,” Trump said in a...
A previously-thought-to-be intractable dispute that has foiled well-meaning leaders for decades, and whose roots go back millennia, has, finally and irrevocably, been solved thanks to middle-age wunderkind and, heretofore untrained, diplomat, US presidential son-in-law and appointed Middle East liaison, Mr. Jared Kushner. For the last two days, Mr. Kushner has applied himself towards fixing this conflict and, according to experts,...
Following a multitude of reports regarding corruption and firebrand speeches, he immediately engages in one of his favorite activities: yelling and tweeting “Fake News!” He’s even gone so far as to focus his attacks on specific journalists. The media, is to him, the epicenter of an all-out political ‘witch hunt’, one of his favorite terms. He lies at will, he’s...
A group of starving Yemeni eleven-year-olds are attempting to create a giant solar eclipse made of cardboard and flashlights, with the purported intent of getting Americans to finally start reporting news about their country. The kids started collecting materials from dumpsters and refugee camps on Monday, after realizing that the solar eclipse was prompting journalists to stop incessantly reporting on...
Islamic State has issued a public statement claiming responsibility for an attack of ‘astronomical proportion’ against the United States, ‘from coast to coast’ on 21 August. According to one ISIS spokesperson, the organization has taken full responsibility for the recent solar eclipse. Military defeats in Iraq and increasing pressure on territorial bases in Syria have led the group to seek...
Captured ISIS Commander of the “Curvy Virgins in the Garden of Allah Battalion” has revealed that they are behind a financial-terror campaign in the form of Predatory Student Lending Funds, which have mushroomed in popularity since January 2017. In what CIA agents have dubbed “the burger-flipping-shame jihad,” it appears ISIS has sought to target “Trump’s dumb-ass America” through predatory student...
Inspired by Charlottesville, the Middle East’s alt-right took to the streets of Jerusalem yelling “make the Middle East great again” whilst waving flags from the Roman Empire. Some of the marchers were even seen carrying Gladius swords clearly meant to intimidate Jews and Muslims who were slaughtered during the ancient historical period. One of the organizers commented, “We just want...
Saying that only the Qataris understood what it was like to be isolated because of one’s political beliefs, former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has signed a one-year deal with the embattled Middle Eastern nation. The signing comes after Kaepernick, who made headlines for refusing to stand for the national anthem, has struggled to find an NFL team willing...
BUMFUKBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA – Former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke has released a plea for empathy to FOX News earlier today. “The KKK are not terrorists. We are freedom fighters lawfully resisting the illegal occupation of our Beloved South, and the genocide of the Indigenous Whites. “The real terrorists are the Zionists, Black Lives Matter people, and Antifa, who are...
The Trump administration has suffered another setback, as the president was forced to dissolve his Council of Evil Dictators following the resignation of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. President Trump had launched the council in an effort to implement best practices in eroding American democracy and empowering the country’s worst people. But the council’s members began dropping out following Trump’s comments...
Inspired by the eloquent hypocrisy of President Trump’s statement on racism, King Salman of Saudi Arabia gave a brief speech Monday in which he condemned “all forms of sexism, misogyny, and chauvinism in our Kingdom.” “Sexism is evil”, stated the man who rules a country where women can barely leave their homes without the accompaniment of a male guardian. “We...
The ISIS gunman was neutralized last night at a bus station in Mosul after passers-by, and a dog rapidly converged on him. When asked to comment on the incident, the President denounced the attacker and the victims in the same breath: “Obviously, ISIS are bad guys, but what about those who tried to stop them? There was this one guy who ripped...
Following the condemnation of the President’s statements on the Charlottesville protests by Republican colleagues, the President has reached out to Israeli leaders to support his position. In a press conference today, Trump stated, “It would be nice if some of my Israeli friends helped, you know I love Israel, those Jews are doing fantastic things over there with the high tech,...
Admitting that they were a bit bewildered by the recent Nazi/White Nationalist march in Charlottesville, Virginia, and by President Trump’s silence over the incident, ISIS leaders have cautiously approached the president to check if he would be cool with their terror group holding a similar rally. “I’ve spent all these years as an enemy of America trying to sneak into...
AL-CHARLOTTESVILLE — Photos of Hamas members at a rally are being plastered all over the Internet. One in particular, which has since become the face of the ‘Unite the Fight’ rally, is that of Ibrahim al-Masri, a 21-year old university student from Hebron. He was shocked when he saw a frightening photo of himself screaming and firing his AK into...
In a photo shoot that supporters of the ISIS leader have called inspirational, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi will appear on the cover of Vogue magazine wearing only a tight black speedo and hot pink bikini. “I’m still alive and I am beautiful!” the Caliph wrote in a Tweet accompanying the picture, which showed him in stunning two-piece. The spread...
American sprinter Justin Gatlin, who took the gold medal at the World Athletics Championship, defeating Usain Bolt in the world-record holder’s final race, has been recruited to the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. Gatlin was flattered when Ayatollah Ali Khamenei came to him personally, wielding the athlete’s favorite chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. Although Gatlin was made to publicly renounce his...
WASHINGTON D.C. – U.S. President Donald Trump’s ‘Small Hands Syndrome’ is reportedly driving his position on a key Middle East conflict. According to a senior White House aide, Trump’s siding with Saudi Arabia in its standoff with Qatar is not due to the tiny gas-producing emirate alleged support for extremist organizations, but rather is an extension “of Trump’s outsized obsession...
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has confessed that Israeli territorial expansion has occurred because of a long-held misunderstanding about the word ‘settlement’. Netanyahu came clean about his error at a press conference yesterday: “I always thought John Kerry was giving me mixed messages. One minute he was telling me that we must reach a ‘settlement’, but the next he was telling me...
Washington D.C. – U.S. President Donald Trump and Israeli Prime Minister Benyamin Netanyahu have announced the formation of a new organization, ‘The Alliance of the Inappropriately Probed’. This comes just days after Council Robert Mueller’s decision to use a grand jury in the Trump-Russia collusion case. President Trump told reporters yesterday, “Nobody in the history of this country has been...
