Politics

Exonerated NYPD Cop Hired by Iranian Security Forces

Exonerated NYPD Cop Hired by Iranian Security Forces

After learning he will not face criminal charges in the US, the NYPD officer captured on video applying a fatal chokehold to an unarmed man this past summer has been hired by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards, the elite military force tasked with maintaining order and protecting the regime domestically. “We were looking for new recruits who would use deadly force at the slightest hint of a provocation, and this American infidel seems like the perfect fit,” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei told...

ISIS: “Muslims Discovered America…And We Want it Back”

ISIS: “Muslims Discovered America…And We Want it Back”

Following Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan’s claim that Muslims discovered America in the 10th century, ISIS has jumped on the bandwagon, initiating proceedings to establish its right to ownership of the entire continental United States. The Multinational Jihadist Conglomerate of Incorporated Decapitators, commonly known as ISIS, filed papers late last week with the International Court of Justice, seeking redress for one of history’s great-alleged land swindles. “Muslim sailors landed in America more than three centuries before Christopher Columbus was even an itch in his...

Cuba to Turkey: We’ll See Your Mosque and Raise You One Istanbul

Cuba to Turkey: We’ll See Your Mosque and Raise You One Istanbul

Turkish President, Tayyip Erdogan, in an “explosive announcement” claimed that Muslims discovered America, and not Roman Catholic explorer Christopher Columbus. One Turkish observer at the announcement noted, “According to our dictator, I mean President, sorry about that, brain freeze, ‘Christopher Columbus referred to the presence of a mosque on top of a mountain in Cuba.’” Erdogan, currently in talks with the Cubans, proposes building a new mosque on the top of that mountain. Cuban officials, speaking on condition of anonymity,...

After Erdogan’s Revelation, Muslim Leaders Say Islam is Not to Blame for America’s Problems

After Erdogan’s Revelation, Muslim Leaders Say Islam is Not to Blame for America’s Problems

After Turkish Premiere Recap Erdogan revealed that America was discovered by Muslims, religious leaders from across the Muslim world were quick to assert that the faith takes no responsibility for the current state of the country. “As a Muslim, I would like to make abundantly clear that we are not to blame for anything that’s taken place in America for the past 800 years,” said Abdullah bin Abdul Muhsen, Secretary-General of the Muslim World League. “Islam is a religion of...

Israel Strikes Deal Over Death Quotas

Israel Strikes Deal Over Death Quotas

Netanyahu’s is to fly to the European Union’s HQ in Brussels tomorrow morning to discuss an agreement with the anti-Israel lobby on how many Israelis must die in conflicts with terror groups. The quota, which is likely to be too low to satisfy ‘liberals’ whatever the figure, will allow a certain amount of indiscriminate and unprovoked rockets to hit civilian areas in Israel. The Center-Left party, The Zionist Union, has welcomed the move with it’s leader Herzog saying an agreement...

Middle East Fantasy League Becomes Increasingly Complicated

Middle East Fantasy League Becomes Increasingly Complicated

As the Middle East descends into utter warfare and chaos, political scientists and other nerds are worried that all hell will break will lose, particularly in their March Madness daft picks. “I used to be so confident. I knew who was ahead, who had the training. But then the Houthis rise to the top? Total sleepers, I swear!” said one analyst. “I’ve made some mistakes, like calling ISIS a J.V. team” admitted U.S. President Barack Obama, fan of basketball and...

Palestinian Department of Archeology Unveils 1930 Edition of the Palestine Post

Palestinian Department of Archeology Unveils 1930 Edition of the Palestine Post

In the Israeli-Palestinian conflict over narrative history, the Palestinian Authority sought to score a major win today by unveiling a recently uncovered 1930 edition of the Palestine Post. With Mahmoud Abbas at his side, Department of Archeology Chair Iba bin Digga, explained the finds significance. “We Palestinians struggle to prove our ancient historical connection with our land. The Israelis say that Palestine is an invention, that we are just another group of Arabs without a distinct identity prior to the...

Not inviting Netanyahu to the White House was ‘easiest decision ever’, says US official

Not inviting Netanyahu to the White House was ‘easiest decision ever’, says US official

According to one person fairly close to the yoga instructor of a low-level aide to the president, the decision not to invite the Israeli Prime Minister to the White House in March was ‘a really easy one to make’. A few months ago, the House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) made what is known by political pundits as “a bit of a dick move,” attempting to undermine the president by inviting Netanyahu to address Congress. Netanyahu’s acceptance was seen as “a surprisingly...

Kerry Touts Iranian Agreement Never to Nuke Israel on a Monday, Wednesday, or a Sunday

Kerry Touts Iranian Agreement Never to Nuke Israel on a Monday, Wednesday, or a Sunday

As proof that his negotiating acumen has succeeded in ‘serious concessions’ from Iran on behalf of Israeli security, Secretary of State John Kerry today revealed the mullahs agreement never to nuke the Jewish state on a Monday, Wednesday or Sunday. “John Kerry understands the serious security concerns of the Israeli people,” Kerry explained, as he spoke about himself in the third person. “Well with this agreement we’ve done just that. By our reckoning we’ve made Israel 43% safer.” Prime Minister...

Elders of Zion Admit They’re Having Second Thoughts Over Allowing Obama’s Election

Elders of Zion Admit They’re Having Second Thoughts Over Allowing Obama’s Election

Following President Obama’s increasingly hostile rhetoric towards Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, several members of the Elders of Zion privately told The Israeli Daily that they were having second thoughts about their decision to allow him to be elected to the world’s most powerful office. “We were a little apprehensive about letting a guy with the middle name ‘Hussein’ run our most important country, but we figured we’d give him a shot,” said one member of the Elders, the secret...

Is Angelina Jolie Set to Quit UN Following Pull Out of Yemen?

Is Angelina Jolie Set to Quit UN Following Pull Out of Yemen?

Rumors abound that Angelina Jolie, one of the most powerful women in the world, is set to resign as United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees Ambassador in response to the organization’s withdrawal from Yemen. “150 UN staffers fled Yemen’s capital over the weekend. Were the peace talks cut out in post-production? Great, another country with a refugee crisis that I have to learn lines for. I’m tired of doing sequels. See you at Cannes. Ciao,” The actress, filmmaker and humanitarian stated...

Exclusive: Obama Just a Tool of Big Pistachio

Exclusive: Obama Just a Tool of Big Pistachio

Speculation abounds as to why President Obama continues to snub one of America’s closest allies in order to close a deal with the Iranian mullahs. Suggestions have ranged from anti-Semitism to just digging oppressive theocracies, or even that it might somehow be Bibi’s fault!  As it turns out, the reason is simpler.  And it’s nuts. After months of painstaking investigation, The Israeli Daily (TID) can now prove that Obama is a tool of that most powerful interest group, Big Pistachio....

Kerry Unveils “Musical Chairs” Peace Plan for Jerusalem

Kerry Unveils “Musical Chairs” Peace Plan for Jerusalem

Prevented by his swelled head from attending discussions on the Jerusalem crisis, US Secretary of State John Kerry has unveiled his plan to bring peace to the City of Peace. “John Kerry may not be participating in negotiations,” said Kerry, inexplicably speaking in the third-person, “but that doesn’t mean John Kerry has forgotten about you. You’ve said, ‘what would we do without John Kerry?’ Do not fear! John Kerry has heard you!” Dubbed ‘The Musical Chairs Plan,’ Kerry proposes that...

BBC Apologizes for Using Picture of Nuclear Bomb in Story on Miss Israel’s ‘Photobomb’

BBC Apologizes for Using Picture of Nuclear Bomb in Story on Miss Israel’s ‘Photobomb’

From its new London headquarters (image above) The BBC has issued a correction on its story of Miss Israel’s “photobomb” of Miss Lebanon at last month’s Miss Universe pageant, saying the bombing pictured with the story in fact occurred during World War II and was unrelated to the pageant’s controversy. “Earlier today, the BBC shared a picture from a reliable source, Twitter user @MelGibsonFan420, that claimed to be from the Israeli aggression in Miami,” the BBC said in a statement....

Iran’s Supreme Leader to Speak Before Congress

Iran’s Supreme Leader to Speak Before Congress

Earlier this month, Benjamin Netanyahu pissed off Democrats by speaking in front of Congress about Iran’s nuclear program. He and Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner have been engaged in a hot bromance ever since. Jealous and not to be outdone, Barack Obama has requested that Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei speak before Congress in favor of negotiations. “I think people took his ‘Death to America’ remarks last week a bit too seriously. I mean, when Israel says something...

Doh! Israeli Official Lets the Cat out of the Bag

Doh! Israeli Official Lets the Cat out of the Bag

In what can be definitively called one of Israel’s worst gaffes, a senior official appears to have inadvertently confirmed the existence of Israel’s long-mysterious nuclear program. While many critics have maintained for decades that Israel has been secretly stockpiling nuclear weapons, Israel has remained characteristically non-committal. According to witnesses of the error, a senior Israeli official was having a discussion with a group of other foreign diplomats when he said, “Yeah, what can we do about the Palestinians? It’s not...

Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency

Sports: ISIS Makes Splash in NFL Free Agency

A video released early this month by ISIS showing a prepubescent boy participating in an execution has drawn worldwide derision of the organization’s recruitment tactics. As the inflow of combative volunteers thins, ISIS has turned to the world’s leading source of tough men willing to sacrifice personal health and wellbeing for a vague sense of camaraderie and systematized violence: NFL free agency. ISIS’ marquee acquisition is of former Carolina defensive end Greg Hardy, who was signed to a 3-year contract...

Palestinians Are Ready to Elect a New President Who Will Stay Way Past Legal Term Limit

Palestinians Are Ready to Elect a New President Who Will Stay Way Past Legal Term Limit

The results of a new poll were released today, illuminating the view Palestinians have of their leadership. West Bank Palestinians were asked about their feelings towards current Palestinian Authority President, Mahmoud Abbas. Abbas was elected President in 2005, and was slated to serve until 2009. However, he extended his term and remains in power to this day, which is a weird thing for a leader to be able to do. Palestinians polled expressed a desire for elections so that a...

The West Bank to establish ‘The West Bank’

The West Bank to establish ‘The West Bank’

In a surprising departure from the usual subjects of their press conferences, the Palestinian Authority (PA) have astounded regional neighbours by announcing that they are to establish their own centralized bank – The West Bank. A PA spokesperson released an official statement: “It’s about time we look after our own money. Do you know how much foreign aid we get? Well, a lot actually but nowhere near what the Zionists get! Time to start looking out for own Benjamins. Come...

Israel Intercepts One Ton of Radioactive Iranian Condoms Bound for Gaza

Israel Intercepts One Ton of Radioactive Iranian Condoms Bound for Gaza

The Israeli Navy says it seized a ship early on Sunday that it claims Iran was using to smuggle tens of thousands of radioactive rubbers to Palestinian militants in the Gaza Strip. “Electronic scanners detected a floating advertisement for sexual health and happiness,” Israeli Defense Minister Moshe Ya’alon said. “The naughty bags snatched by the IDF on the high seas came in a kaleidoscope of colours, textures, sizes and flavors. However, the entire cache of condoms was also giving off...