Politics

ISIS and Hezbollah Condemn Culturally Appropriative Halloween Costumes
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ISIS and Hezbollah Condemn Culturally Appropriative Halloween Costumes

In a rare act of unity, Sunni and Shiite extremist groups came together to condemn insensitive Halloween costumes. A joint statement was released on behalf of ISIS and Hezbollah shunning Americans who engage in “cultural appropriation” by dressing as Islamic extremists. In the midst of warfare and mass murder in Syria, cultural sensitivity remains a heated issue in the greater...

Harvey Weinstein to Represent Hollywood at UN; Appointed to Human Rights Council

Harvey Weinstein to Represent Hollywood at UN; Appointed to Human Rights Council

Earlier today, Saudi representative to the Human Rights Council, Abdulaziz Alwasil, welcomed Harvey Weinstein’s appointment as Hollywood’s representative to the UN human rights body. In a statement, Alwasil said that his long and illustrious career of complete disregard for the rights of the women around him made him “a perfect fit for the council”. The allegations of rampant sexual misconduct...

Iran Not Sure What Year to Set for Israel’s Doomsday Clock
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Iran Not Sure What Year to Set for Israel’s Doomsday Clock

On Friday, President Trump announced his refusal to recertify the Iran deal shortly before kicking it to Congress. Taking place shortly after the US and Israel pulled out of UNESCO, Iranian officials are now unsure when Israel will finally meet its end. “The US is really ramping things up ensuring we definitely will not be able to carry out our...

Alt-Right Dumps Trump, Sends Peace Envoy to Iran

Alt-Right Dumps Trump, Sends Peace Envoy to Iran

In a dramatic political shift, leaders and pundits of the “Alt-Right” movement have severed ties with President Donald Trump in favor of diplomatic relations with Iran. The break comes after a series of discussions on Trump’s true motives and stances on Israel. “I guess he wasn’t kidding about supporting Israel, we sort of thought he was just lying to get...

ISIS Leader Alleges: “Harvey Weinstein Touched Me”
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ISIS Leader Alleges: “Harvey Weinstein Touched Me”

In an exclusive interview with The Mideast Beast, a tearful Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, has allegedly claimed that Harvey Weinstein touched him inappropriately. This comes amidst a new wave of accusations against the powerful Hollywood producer. The account provided by al-Baghdadi was harrowing: “He invited me into his office to talk about a biopic of my life....

Bernie Sanders Successfully Negotiates Termination of Iranian Nuclear Program
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Bernie Sanders Successfully Negotiates Termination of Iranian Nuclear Program

In a shocking turn of events U.S. Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders has succeeded in doing what no other U.S. politician could: diplomatically ending the Iranian Nuclear Program. Bernie explained in a recent CNN interview. “I got the idea from watching the very funny program, Curb Your Enthusiasm. So, I decided to contact my local Iranian consul. If Larry David...

Fatah and Hamas Reconcile After Couple’s Therapy

Fatah and Hamas Reconcile After Couple’s Therapy

Couple’s therapy was responsible for the reconciliation of the two dominant Palestinian factions, Fatah and Hamas, The Mideast Beast can reveal. Egyptian President el-Sisi lured Mahmoud Abbas, the Chairman of Fatah, and Ismail Haniyeh, the Chief of the Political Bureau of Hamas, to a luxury spa in Cairo with the promise of a “well-deserved holiday”. They were both shocked to...

UNESCO Responds to US Exit with 77 Anti-Israel Resolutions

UNESCO Responds to US Exit with 77 Anti-Israel Resolutions

A meeting held by UNESCO’s General Conference to address President Donald Trump’s decision to pull out of the agency ended with the conference passing nearly 80 resolutions condemning Israel and the Jewish people. “We really aren’t sure how it happened,” Director-General Irina Bokova admitted. “We opened up the debate to discuss the loss of US support, and the next thing...

Israel Tried to Coax Palestinians Into Signing up to Lame Organizations to Distract Them From Joining Interpol

Israel Tried to Coax Palestinians Into Signing up to Lame Organizations to Distract Them From Joining Interpol

In anticipation of the Palestinians’ successful bid to become a member of the International Police Organization, Interpol, Israel has tried to coax them into signing up to other intergovernmental bodies instead. “We thought that if they could be enticed by invitations to join lame groups nobody could give a shit about they might get distracted and drop the whole Interpol...

Trump University Fails to Take-Off in the Middle East

Trump University Fails to Take-Off in the Middle East

Despite having been only open for one semester, Trump University (Baghdad Campus) is permanently shutting its doors. The university, the first of its kind in the Middle East, which offered courses like “Locking Her Up, Saddam Style,” “Flipping Properties Under Siege,” and “International Sanctions, Taxes, and What You Can Do About It,” hasn’t quite resonated with the local population. Shopkeeper,...

ISIS to Focus Entire Organization on NRA Fundraising
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ISIS to Focus Entire Organization on NRA Fundraising

RAQQA, SYRIA – ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has released a new document entitled, “A New Vision for the Death of America,” where he calls upon the entire Islamic State and affiliate organizations to begin fundraising for the National Rifle Association. Outlining his plan, al-Baghdadi writes, “There is an American organization that enables anybody to buy high-powered military-style rifles capable of...

Trump Moves Embassy To Mt. Gerizim

Trump Moves Embassy To Mt. Gerizim

In a radical departure on promises to move the US embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem President Trump announced Saturday night that he intends to move it to Mt. Gerizim instead. Located in the West Bank city of Nablus, Mt. Gerizim is the holiest place to the Samaritan people. The place they believed the temple should have been built and...

Trump to Airdrop Paper Towels on Syrian Rebels

Trump to Airdrop Paper Towels on Syrian Rebels

Stepping up US support for efforts to overthrow the Assad regime, the Trump administration announced that it has begun distributing paper towels to anti-government forces. The decision came after the president received praise for his response to Hurricane Maria’s devastation, showing up two weeks after the storm hit and dramatically throwing paper towels to people in hurricane relief centers. In...

SJP to Host Interfaith Panel This Friday Night

SJP to Host Interfaith Panel This Friday Night

Amidst rising controversies on US campuses over the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, Students for Justice in Palestine is outreaching to its diverse students by hosting their second annual “Israel, Palestine, and Occupation Forum” this coming Friday night. Members of all faiths are welcome to participate to promote easing tensions between Christians, Jews, and Muslims by discussing modern events in Israel. Snacks and...

Syrians Really Going to Miss Favorite Bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”
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Syrians Really Going to Miss Favorite Bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”

Syrian officials called for international intervention and condemnation of Israel for carrying out airstrikes against their favorite bar: “The Chemical Weapons Facility”. One Syrian soldier told The Mideast Beast, “you know after a long day, I just wanted to relax with my buddies and have a beer or a cocktail at our favorite watering hole, but now, thanks to the...

Following Netanyahu’s Support for Kurds, Palestine Renames Itself ‘Kurdistan II’

Following Netanyahu’s Support for Kurds, Palestine Renames Itself ‘Kurdistan II’

Citing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s support for “the legitimate efforts of the Kurdish people to achieve a state of their own,” Palestinian leaders say that they will again pursue statehood but instead call their country “Kurdistan II.” “After eight years of putting off serious discussions about the creation of a state, we were beginning to wonder whether Bibi believed...

White House on Syria: All Nicknames on the Table

White House on Syria: All Nicknames on the Table

The White House released a statement that it has not yet decided on which nickname it will use for the president of Syria, Bashar al-Assad, saying: “all options are on the table”. Leaked documents from the White House posted by the White House to Twitter show that the nicknames under consideration for Assad were in no way limited to Elton...