Politics

Desperate for Love, Saudi Arabia, Israel Swipe Right on Each Other
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Desperate for Love, Saudi Arabia, Israel Swipe Right on Each Other

Yearning for companionship, and running out of people in their immediate areas, recent reports have indicated that Saudi Arabia and Israel have changed the settings on their Tinder profiles to increase the search distance, and surprisingly, right swiped each other. According to sources close with both countries, the two have been talking nightly, and have even discussed making it “an...

ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving
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ISIS Prepares the Caliphate For Thanksgiving

Preparations for Islamist Thanksgiving are well underway in ISIS-controlled territory. It is understood that all martyrs and fighters will be referred to as ‘pilgrims’ to help get everyone in the festive spirit. “It’s a real bummer we lost Raqqa last month since we had a huge parade planned for the city”, commented an ISIS official party planner. “We’d already started...

TMB Writers Increasingly Frustrated by Competition from Reality
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TMB Writers Increasingly Frustrated by Competition from Reality

Reporters from The Mideast Beast have reported that they find it increasingly difficult to satirize current events given how insane everything has become. One writer explained, “How the hell are we supposed to compete with reality? I mean, it’s reaching batshit crazy level. I watch CNN and President Trump is getting into a Twitter war with Kim Jong Un, while...

Mugabe disinvited from ‘Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball

Mugabe disinvited from ‘Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball

Zimbabwe’s long-time president, Robert Mugabe, has had his invitation to the exclusive Overthrown Middle Eastern Dictators’ Annual Ball withdrawn, accompanied by an apology from the organizers for what they termed an “administrative error”. “It is with regret that we must withdraw Mr. Mugabe’s invitation to this year’s event”, said a spokesperson. “We mistakenly sent an invite to Mr. Mugabe without...

Kushner and Saudi Crown Prince Enjoyed Xbox Play Date
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Kushner and Saudi Crown Prince Enjoyed Xbox Play Date

Following a story in the Washington Post, journalists and pundits have questioned whether Jared Kushner had anything to do with the recent shakeups in Saudi Arabia. It claimed, “The two princes are said to have stayed up until nearly 4 am several nights, swapping stories and planning strategy.” Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman recently had several princes and other...

Lebanese Prime Minister Hariri Found on Holiday in Disney World

Lebanese Prime Minister Hariri Found on Holiday in Disney World

The confusion over the whereabouts of Lebanese Prime Minister Saad Hariri has been resolved unexpectedly after he was found on holiday in Disney World Orlando. The Prime Minister was said to have fled Lebanon “in fear of his life” due to the growing influence of Iran-backed Hezbollah in his country, though the Iranians claimed he was being held against his...

Roy Moore Banned from Saudi Dating App for Courting Underage Girls
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Roy Moore Banned from Saudi Dating App for Courting Underage Girls

In another potential blow to his election campaign, Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore has been banned from the Saudi dating website “OK Muhammed” after users reported him for aggressively pursuing underage girls. While Saudi age of consent laws are far more lenient than those in the US, the dating application’s hosts felt that Moore took things a little too far....

After Joining Paris Agreement, Syria Switches to Eco-Friendly Cluster Bombs
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After Joining Paris Agreement, Syria Switches to Eco-Friendly Cluster Bombs

Stressing its commitment to fighting climate change following its signing of the Paris Climate Accords, the Syrian government announced that it will begin using ecologically friendly explosives when cluster-bombing civilians. “Dropping barrel bombs full of pollutants on schools, mosques and hospitals was not just irresponsible. It was flat-out wrong,” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad acknowledged. “As Paris Agreement signatories, our massive...

Palestinian-American Stranded in Detroit After Boycotting Waze
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Palestinian-American Stranded in Detroit After Boycotting Waze

A Palestinian-American has been stranded in the suburbs of Detroit after boycotting his Israeli GPS app midway through his journey. Farid Sabur and his family were heading for Lake Michigan from their New York City home when he decided to explore the settings on his GPS app, Waze. To his shock, he found that the app was produced in Israel....

ISIS Leader Asks, “Why Aren’t They Going After ‘Crooked Saddam’?”

ISIS Leader Asks, “Why Aren’t They Going After ‘Crooked Saddam’?”

Calling the Iraqi-led effort to dislodge his forces from their strongholds a distraction, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi questioned why the army and media were not instead focusing their attention on “crooked Saddam.” “It is so unfair that everyone keeps attacking our caliphate when they should be focusing on Saddam.” Baghdadi said in a barrage of Tweets. “I heard that...

Trump on Jesus of Nazareth: “He Knew What He Signed Up For”

Trump on Jesus of Nazareth: “He Knew What He Signed Up For”

On Thursday Donald Trump issued another controversial and confusing tweet. Believing Madonna Louise Ciccone, famous for her 1984 hit “Material Girl,” to be the mother of Jesus of Nazareth, Trump tweeted “@madonna. Sorry to hear about your boy Jesus. But in all fairness, he knew what he signed up for.” The next day, the president attempted to clarify his comments,...

Trump Claims IQ test Needed to Solve Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Trump Claims IQ test Needed to Solve Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

President Trump has launched a novel approach the Middle East peace process with the suggestion that the major negotiation sticking points between Israelis and Palestinians could be solved in a winner-take-all IQ test. “Winners in the Mideast should be decided by IQ test. Netanyahu and Abbas must compete. SMARTEST guy gets Jerusalem. The other doesn’t – SAD!”, Trump tweeted late...

Kelly Blasts ISIS and Yazidis for Failing to Compromise
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Kelly Blasts ISIS and Yazidis for Failing to Compromise

Saying that the collapse of Iraq could have been avoided if both ISIS and its victims had shown a bit of flexibility, White House chief of staff John Kelly said the rise of ISIS resulted from a “lack of ability to compromise.” “I know that ISIS was pretty unreasonable in believing that they could kill all non-Sunni men and keep...

Special Report: A Bunch of Our Guys Killed a Bunch of Their Guys
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Special Report: A Bunch of Our Guys Killed a Bunch of Their Guys

Military sources have confirmed rumors that a covert operation resulted in a number of their guys being killed in combat by a group of our guys. According to initial reports, a small group of their guys was engaged in the kind of shenanigans that our government has warned against. In response to the shenaniganizing in our territory, our government decided...

ISIS Members Demand to Know Why Terrorists are Stationed in Niger
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ISIS Members Demand to Know Why Terrorists are Stationed in Niger

Demanding greater transparency from the terror group, rank-and-file ISIS members want to know what ISIS fighters were doing in Niger during a confrontation that killed four US soldiers. “I, like most servants of the Caliphate, was shocked to learn that we were engaged in combat in the country,” one mid-level ISIS official told The Mideast Beast. “Is it not enough...

ISIS Claims Responsibility for Killing JFK

ISIS Claims Responsibility for Killing JFK

Following the release of some of the juiciest files on the assassination of President John F Kennedy, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has appeared to incriminate his own organization by claiming that ISIS was behind the attack. “Lee Harvey Oswald was a soldier of Islamic State. He assassinated JFK in a pre-emptive revenge attack, in anticipation of US military aggression in the...

ISIS Recruits Demand “Safe Spaces” at U.S. Universities
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ISIS Recruits Demand “Safe Spaces” at U.S. Universities

Not since we all tried to figure out whether that damn dress was black and blue or white and gold has the public been as polarized as it is now by the topic of “safe spaces” on U.S. college campuses.  Safe spaces are normally demanded by those who see themselves as being part of minority groups worthy of protection from criticism or...