Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas has found himself in hot water recently as revelations regarding his investment portfolio were inadvertently made public through a glitch in his online trading account. Abbas apparently has investments in pork futures and a heavy stake in SodaStream®. The transaction report – obtained by The Israeli Daily – reveals a pattern of aggressive investing in exclusively...
As the United States Supreme Court considers Jerusalem’s status on US passports, the Israeli government is seeking to deflate the negative connotations long associated with its capital city by submitting a referendum to the citizens of Israel that will decide on a new name and motto for the current ‘Jerusalem: God’s Feisty Kitty’. While not a single Israeli government ministry...
After the Republican rout on Tuesday, in which the GOP took over the Senate and increased their majority in the House of Representatives, Israeli officials were shocked and dismayed to learn that President Barack Obama will remain in office for another two years. “Prime Minister Netanyahu called the White House to congratulate Mitch McConnell on his election to the highest...
Saudi Commerce Minister His Royal Freshness Prince Nash bin Baba Al-Saud stated on Tuesday that the rash of rumors about dialogue between Riyadh and Jerusalem is little more than a Zionist ruse. “Get real, cousin. This whole ‘from foe to friend’ plotline is as hackneyed as The Dark Night Rises. Jewish screenplay writers in Hollywood have been secretly whipping up...
MONACO – A powerful cousin of Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khameini has defected from the Islamic Republic and relocated to Monaco with his wife, mistress, spotted Siamese cat, two million dollars in unmarked, non-sequential bills – and perhaps some well-guarded secrets regarding Tehran’s plutonium production program. ‘Catch you on the flip side, bitches! Home slice has left the office to snort...
From the West Bank of the Mississippi, locals are tuning out Al Jazeera in droves due to lack of ‘real newsy stuff.’ Local soybean farmer’ Marvin ‘Tweets’ Furlough said, “When they first appeared on cable, we thought Al Jazeera might give us some juicy video from the Mideast, but now they’re showing nothing but rock-throwing punks and camel cutaways.” A...
Guided by Messianic visions of blowing up two of Islam’s holy sites, some violent Jewish settlers, or ‘asshats’ as they are often known in Israel, have long asserted that the way Palestinian children are educated is proof of the true intentions of the Palestinian leadership vis-à-vis Israel. According to Dr. Zion Ben-Judah, a senior member of the pro-settler Council for a...
Wealthy Jews (really, are there any other kind?) are buying up high priced property in Israel as a hedge against rising anti-Semitism in their present countries of residence. The surge in economic activity is creating a real estate boom as a welcome side effect of the recent war with Hamas. Despite the Gaza conflict creating a spike in global hatred...
National Security Advisor Susan Rice was a guest on Meet the Press Sunday, saying that the recent mass beheadings by the group known as ISIS were “apparently the result of a spontaneous protest over a hateful video.” Rice, speaking on behalf of the Administration, continued, “This video is another example of the sort of failures of diplomacy our Administration has...
If there is one thing Israelis (original or transplant) feel more passionately about than Israel, it’s people criticizing or complaining about Israel. It appears that the online community of Israel is so effective at over-reacting that they don’t even have to read the articles to mobilize their indignation. Often times a mere whiff of a headline that mentions Israel not...
At an emergency roundtable meeting held at The Hague, Netherlands, the emergence of a previously undocumented player in international terrorism known only as the ‘Khorosan Group,’ has dominated the three-day security symposium. “I’ve heard of them, but I thought it was a management consulting firm.” said one attendee. “No! You have it all wrong. Khorosan is a powdered dish soap...
What next? Justin Bieber addresses NATO? It has been announced that Lady Gaga will be addressing the UN General Assembly on behalf of Israel, in place of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, after her highly successful September concert in Tel Aviv. A spokesperson for the PM told The Israeli Daily, “It was a pretty obvious choice. I mean, look...
A leading satirical news website, The Mideast Beast, stood accused of gross racism yesterday as it published a story in which it mistakenly mixed up two leading religious firebrands. See “British Home Secretary loses her shit.” “But Sir, they all look the same to me,” moaned dashing reporter Marcus Thunderbolt. “One of them has a fucking hook for a hand...
The British Home Secretary, Teresa May, has failed to react with restrained dignity on the news that the Jordanians have found Abu Qatada the radical Muslim Cleric and amateur Peter Pan nemesis, not guilty of being a complete lunatic. “Fuck my life!” said May. The normally calm top official for UK domestic affairs was reported to have embedded a stiletto shoe...
The region was thrown into further turmoil yesterday on news that Jude Law was heading this way to contest Tony Blair’s crown as “Peace Envoy You Most Want to Punch” Yuri Jacobson, a fight starter from Tel Aviv was adamant, “Jude is gonna take Tony’s crown. Have you seen his performance in the Congo? Brilliant! Just the right mix of...
Islamic State (IS) militants have now joined the long list of ‘basically fucking everything that is trying to kill you in Australia’. Typical Aussie bloke, James Wart, commented “it’s been a matter of pride here that absolutely everything that swims in the sea, crawls on the earth and flies in the air is trying to kill us, all the time....
‘Should Scotland leave? Does England care? As Britain braces itself for Thursday’s referendum on Scottish independence, the United States – having gone over a week without entering global politics– has begun crisis negotiations with representatives from England and Scotland, attempting to persuade them to enter into a two-state solution. A seasoned negotiator attending the talks in Cardiff, Wales told...
Foreign Ministers from around the world are admitting today that there would be a lot more concrete action on the ‘Islamic State’ if Paris weren’t just so damn delightful in the early autumn sunshine. John Kerry confessed “I swear I was absolutely going to make a detailed report to the conference, but then I looked out of my hotel room...
Foreign Embassies are advising against all travel to Israel’s Upper Galilee region following reports of evangelical tourist groups becoming radicalized by ISIS. Groups of Western God botherers, inspired by ISIS’ presence on Israel’s northern border, have seen an opportunity to further their own religious aims while on tour in Israel. The Israeli Daily (TID) contacted one of the tour organizers...
Addressing the crowds from above the clouds, in a loud, booming voice, God, looking pretty proud of himself, announced that Kate had conceived the child naturally and not via Immaculate Conception, which he dismissed as ‘an absolute load of bollocks’: ‘There’s no such thing as an ‘Immaculate Conception’. Who ever made that shit up had some pretty fucked ideas about...
