At an emergency roundtable meeting held at The Hague, Netherlands, the emergence of a previously undocumented player in international terrorism known only as the ‘Khorosan Group,’ has dominated the three-day security symposium. “I’ve heard of them, but I thought it was a management consulting firm.” said one attendee. “No! You have it all wrong. Khorosan is a powdered dish soap...
What next? Justin Bieber addresses NATO? It has been announced that Lady Gaga will be addressing the UN General Assembly on behalf of Israel, in place of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, after her highly successful September concert in Tel Aviv. A spokesperson for the PM told The Israeli Daily, “It was a pretty obvious choice. I mean, look...
A leading satirical news website, The Mideast Beast, stood accused of gross racism yesterday as it published a story in which it mistakenly mixed up two leading religious firebrands. See “British Home Secretary loses her shit.” “But Sir, they all look the same to me,” moaned dashing reporter Marcus Thunderbolt. “One of them has a fucking hook for a hand...
The British Home Secretary, Teresa May, has failed to react with restrained dignity on the news that the Jordanians have found Abu Qatada the radical Muslim Cleric and amateur Peter Pan nemesis, not guilty of being a complete lunatic. “Fuck my life!” said May. The normally calm top official for UK domestic affairs was reported to have embedded a stiletto shoe...
The region was thrown into further turmoil yesterday on news that Jude Law was heading this way to contest Tony Blair’s crown as “Peace Envoy You Most Want to Punch” Yuri Jacobson, a fight starter from Tel Aviv was adamant, “Jude is gonna take Tony’s crown. Have you seen his performance in the Congo? Brilliant! Just the right mix of...
Islamic State (IS) militants have now joined the long list of ‘basically fucking everything that is trying to kill you in Australia’. Typical Aussie bloke, James Wart, commented “it’s been a matter of pride here that absolutely everything that swims in the sea, crawls on the earth and flies in the air is trying to kill us, all the time....
‘Should Scotland leave? Does England care? As Britain braces itself for Thursday’s referendum on Scottish independence, the United States – having gone over a week without entering global politics– has begun crisis negotiations with representatives from England and Scotland, attempting to persuade them to enter into a two-state solution. A seasoned negotiator attending the talks in Cardiff, Wales told...
Foreign Ministers from around the world are admitting today that there would be a lot more concrete action on the ‘Islamic State’ if Paris weren’t just so damn delightful in the early autumn sunshine. John Kerry confessed “I swear I was absolutely going to make a detailed report to the conference, but then I looked out of my hotel room...
Foreign Embassies are advising against all travel to Israel’s Upper Galilee region following reports of evangelical tourist groups becoming radicalized by ISIS. Groups of Western God botherers, inspired by ISIS’ presence on Israel’s northern border, have seen an opportunity to further their own religious aims while on tour in Israel. The Israeli Daily (TID) contacted one of the tour organizers...
Addressing the crowds from above the clouds, in a loud, booming voice, God, looking pretty proud of himself, announced that Kate had conceived the child naturally and not via Immaculate Conception, which he dismissed as ‘an absolute load of bollocks’: ‘There’s no such thing as an ‘Immaculate Conception’. Who ever made that shit up had some pretty fucked ideas about...
Following demonstrations at the NATO summit in Wales by the Stop the War Coalition, ISIS spokesman Ali al-daziz has confided that they are not sure what to make of them, “On the one hand, all respect to them as they seem to hate the great Satan America more than we do. Abet with not as much sword-waving action. So that we...
In an important announcement from El Al earlier today, Israel’s national airline broke the news that they will soon be operating the world’s first entirely kosher airplane. In a move that delighted the ultra-Orthodox Jewish community and confused pretty much everyone else, the airline’s press conference overran by half an hour while a spokesman explained just what a ‘fully kosher’...
A serious row has broken out in the upper echelons of the Israeli Navy, over the name of their 6th German built U-boat. The current names, Dolphin, Whale, Crocodile, Revival, and Splendour may all soon be joined by Duck-Bill Platypus or Manatee. “I refuse to command a ship named after something with a permanent smile on it’s face” said Yossi...
With the recent upsurge in rocket fire thanks to Switzerland-by-the-Sea, Israelis living in the South have taken to using their bomb shelters, which has displaced their normal residents. “This shit is getting ridiculous. There’s almost no where to smoke and have sex with my boyfriend” complained an anonymous 12-year-old girl from Sderot. “It’s really unfair.” “Yea, it’s terrible,” complained Mohamed...
Dissatisfied with the performance of the National Guard, Governor Jay Nixon calls on the IDF to “bring order to the chaos” in Ferguson. As violence in Ferguson spirals out of control, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon is calling for help from an unlikely source: Benjamin Netanyahu, the Full-Time Israeli Prime Minister and part-time over-50s Gap Model. The Governor spoke before a...
Day 44 Since the collapse of the peace talks in Cairo, Hamas made an announcement via Instagram video of their latest request, followed by a threat. In poor Hebrew and using the 1977 filter, Hamas operatives stated “If we don’t get the 100 million NIS airport with a complete water park, KFC, and the nice security line that doesn’t make...
Edward Snowden has recently revealed that a Mossad spy has infiltrated into Muslim groups in the UK. Little is known about the shadowy figure that is believed to have been recruited in Scotland about 30 years ago, and goes only by the code name ‘Galloway’. “Ya Allah! This is so like 24!” said Abdul Abdul, spokesman for the West and...
