Politics

Roger Waters – The Porcine Roots of Anti-Semitism
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Roger Waters – The Porcine Roots of Anti-Semitism

New information has surfaced recently, shedding light on what was previously believed to be straightforward anti-Semitism espoused by famed singer and songwriter Roger Waters of Pink Floyd. Waters, who denies all accusations of being an anti-Semite, has repeatedly said that all such accusations are merely “a Judeo-Zionist plot by long-nosed old men to conquer the world and get hold of...

Clinton to Donor: In Next War, I’ll Let Israel Kill 200,000, Not Just 2,000, Gazans
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Clinton to Donor: In Next War, I’ll Let Israel Kill 200,000, Not Just 2,000, Gazans

Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton has penned a controversial letter to a major Jewish donor vowing to offer Israel “total” support in its next war with the Gaza Strip’s Islamist rulers. The leaked letter, sent last week to an Israeli-American media mogul, promises to allow Israel carte blanche in any future war with Hamas, including a presidential green light to kill...

Iranian Supreme Leader Condemns Obama for Rising World Jewish Population

Iranian Supreme Leader Condemns Obama for Rising World Jewish Population

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei lashed out at President Barack Obama in response to a new survey estimating that the global Jewish population has grown to near pre-Holocaust levels. “You say you want to trust us, but how can we trust you if Zionists have been breeding like rabbits under your watch? I was going to retire to the south of France as...

DOD Shocked to Learn Women, Not Cyborg Baby Incubators, Beneath Afghan Burqas
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DOD Shocked to Learn Women, Not Cyborg Baby Incubators, Beneath Afghan Burqas

In a recent public statement, U.S. Secretary of Defense Ashton B. Carter announced that new intelligence reports indicate that there are in fact human women underneath burqas in Afghanistan. “This comes as a great surprise to us,” said Secretary Carter. “Our on-the-ground operatives in the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan have, up until this point, been unaware of the true nature...

With Marriage Issue Settled, Gays Turn Attention to Recruiting Children
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With Marriage Issue Settled, Gays Turn Attention to Recruiting Children

With last Friday’s Supreme Court ruling legalizing gay marriage nationwide and ending what gay Americans called “Phase 1,” gay leaders said they would now refocus all their efforts on recruiting American children to their cause. “This has always been a multi-stage operation,” said Lance Bass, the official leader of all gay Americans. “First, we achieve marriage equality. Next, we recruit...

Gazan toddler organizes protest-flotilla against bath-time
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Gazan toddler organizes protest-flotilla against bath-time

In the wake of the most recent flotilla headed for Gaza, a local toddler has launched a flotilla against bath time, causing a lot of stress for his mother. The mother reportedly filled up a plastic baby tub, all the while complaining about how “he used to love baths.” As the toddler was pushed into the tub, he organized his...

Flotilla Activists a Bit Relieved they Don’t Have to Go to Gaza

Flotilla Activists a Bit Relieved they Don’t Have to Go to Gaza

After their Gaza-bound flotilla was intercepted by the Israeli Navy and redirected to the Port of Ashdod in southern Israel, pro-Palestinian activists aboard the Marianne admitted they were secretly relieved that they weren’t successful in defying Israel’s blockade and landing in the Hamas-controlled territory. “To be honest, none of us were really sure what we would have done if we...

Following US Supreme Court Decision, Boehner and Netanyahu to Wed
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Following US Supreme Court Decision, Boehner and Netanyahu to Wed

Many have called it a victory for human rights. Some have called it an act that will anger God. Two government leaders call it a dream come true. Following the long awaited US Supreme Court decision legalizing gay marriage in all fifty states, John Boehner (R-OH) and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu have announced their plans to marry. It’s...

US Supreme Court Finds Yet Another of God’s Laws Unconstitutional
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US Supreme Court Finds Yet Another of God’s Laws Unconstitutional

In a somewhat unsurprising conclusion, another arbitrary Old Testament Law has been found to be in conflict with the Constitution of the United States. Yesterday, the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) announced a ruling that makes gay marriage legal in all fifty states. The debate surrounding gay marriage has become somewhat overblown in recent years, with the argument...

Santorum-inspired #SpreadtheHuckabee Campaign Goes Viral

Santorum-inspired #SpreadtheHuckabee Campaign Goes Viral

An explicit neologism coined by gay activists to protest Republican Mike Huckabee’s anti-LGBT policies is sweeping social media, inspired by a 2003 campaign aimed at fellow conservative 2016 presidential candidate Rick Santorum. A group of self-proclaimed “Hucktivists,” using the #SpreadtheHuckabee hashtag, have given the pastor-turned-Arkansas governor’s surname a decidedly vulgar meaning. According to SpreadtheHuckabee.com, “Huckabee (HUK-eh-bee) is a form of...

Qatar Praises ‘Jurassic World’ Operators for Low Worker Death Count
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Qatar Praises ‘Jurassic World’ Operators for Low Worker Death Count

Calling it a model for safe working conditions that its own management could learn from, Qatari officials have reportedly tried to contact the operators of the theme park from the hit film ‘Jurassic World’ to find out how they were able to operate an entertainment facility with so few worker deaths. “After watching the documentary, we were impressed by how...

In Goodwill Gesture to Iran, Obama Executes Salman Rushdie
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In Goodwill Gesture to Iran, Obama Executes Salman Rushdie

Hoping to create goodwill with the Iranian regime and boost the chances of a deal over Iran’s nuclear program, President Obama announced Thursday that his administration has executed British novelist Salman Rushdie, potentially eliminating a key sticking point in negotiations. “The Iranians have made their opposition to Mr. Rushdie’s continued existence clear for the past 26 years,” Obama told reporters....

Assad’s Control Waning But Still Strong
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Assad’s Control Waning But Still Strong

Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad is losing yet more control over territory as rebel forces led by Al-Qaeda and ISIS gain more ground. According to British magazine “Mideast Observatory”, Assad’s forces are now in control of only two condominium buildings and a fruit stand in downtown Damascus, after having lost their control of a school in the city of Palmyra. While...

New Suez Canal Path a Major Blunder
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New Suez Canal Path a Major Blunder

In what is set to be remembered as one of the biggest engineering blunders in history, Egypt’s Ministry of Canals and Waterworks admitted today that the new Suez Canal has probably been excavated “along a wrong path”. The project, earmarked at over 8 billion US Dollars, began two decades ago and was supposed to be dug on a parallel path...

Nervous US-Trained Iraqi Soldiers Get Pep Talk from Tom Brady
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Nervous US-Trained Iraqi Soldiers Get Pep Talk from Tom Brady

Stressed out Sunni volunteer fighters were reassured by NFL superstar Tom Brady that “Me, the entire New England Patriots organization and my delicious Brazilian fashion model wife are confident that you’ll bring your A-game whenever ISIS comes to play,” during a graduation ceremony at Anbar Province’s Al-Taqaddum Air Base. “”I told Brady that what we really need is less jawing...

Women of the Wall: Possible Compromise?
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Women of the Wall: Possible Compromise?

In a surprise move by Israel’s Ministry for Religious Affairs, a new compromise was proposed to deal with the ongoing demand by the “Women of the Wall” movement to allow them to pray freely at the Western Wall in Jerusalem. While Ministry sources acknowledged that “Women of the Wall have a right to visit the Western Wall in order to...

Assad Blows up Palmyra Just to Fuck with ISIS
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Assad Blows up Palmyra Just to Fuck with ISIS

After ISIS was reported to have laid mines in the ancient city of Palmyra, Syrian warplanes were reported to have bombed the ruins just to make ISIS look bad. In a secret order obtained by the Israeli Daily, Syrian general Bar-al Bahmmz instructed pilots to “Attack, Attack now. It will look like ISIS blew it up because they just laid...

Lack of Iraqi Army Recruits Shock U.S. Military Officials
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Lack of Iraqi Army Recruits Shock U.S. Military Officials

US Defense Secretary Ashton Carter has expressed surprise at the lack of young Iraqi men desperate to have their heads handed to them by a bunch of medieval sociopaths. “I mean come on, the government is offering what $5.00-$6.00 a day and your very own only slightly used AK-47,” commented Carter at a recent event in Washington. “Plus you get to...

Michelle Obama Actually Caucasian: New Revelations from the Michael Oren Book

Michelle Obama Actually Caucasian: New Revelations from the Michael Oren Book

New revelations are surfacing ahead of the upcoming publication of the memoirs of former Israeli ambassador to the US, Michael Oren. The book, titled “Ally – watch me reveal shit I’m not supposed to”, is chock full of anecdotes, vignettes, clichés and other French words we don’t fully comprehend. Among the stories coming to light in Oren’s book is a hitherto-unknown...