The CW Television Network today announced that America’s Next Top Model’s upcoming 22nd season will include former Israeli President Shimon Peres among the contestants. Network CEO Mark Pedowitz was just giddy. “We saw Peres at a Hollywood United Jewish Appeal thing. Thought sure, put him on next season as a judge with Tyra Banks. Add a little class. He didn’t go...
Paraphrasing pop star Mariah Carey’s yuletide classic, the Islamist militant group ISIS sent this threatening message to America and its allies over the Holidays: “#Season’sGreetingfromISIStoUS #CommanderInThief All we want for Christmas…is you. Hope your holiday is full of surprises. pic.twitter.com/LMAO420q69” The tweet features several disturbing images of ISIS fighters preparing for their next engagement by inflating balloons, swearing at each other...
In a move almost certain to improve the level of public discourse on critical issues of the day, the Israeli government is expanding its already-free Wi-Fi access to the entire country. Soon, Internet addicts won’t have to wait till they get home or to the nearest coffee shop before indulging in trolling or online slanging matches. One poorly informed resident of...
Clerics in Iran have issued a fatwa proclaiming the Disney film Frozen as the greatest danger to Islam since Salman Rushdie. At a press conference in Tehran the head of the Islamic Film Unit, Mullah Farsi Akhtar, explained the concerns. “I came home from a hard day banning indecent films such as 22 Jump Street only to find my nine...
Aides of Benjamin Netanyahu expressed frustration this week at the PM’s new habit of quoting Game of Thrones in official government communications. Aides say they noticed something was off when Netanyahu called a press conference to discuss the recent breakdown in the coalition government and concluded with: “Prepare, my friends, winter is coming.” Reports indicate this all began when the...
Scientists have been delighted by new footage of the Dictator Russian in its natural habitat, ‘the global summit’. Various members of the genus Dictator were once so common that they were considered vermin. Indeed, until recently, the Russian species was thought all but extinct. “Every nature filmmaker dreams about capturing this kind of footage,” declared Hans Treeugger. “We set up our blind to blend in. You can’t...
The Islamic Resistance Movement, Hamas, danced the night away to classic Fab Four songs, in honor of the 27th anniversary of the militant group’s formation. Local tribute band Rubber Souldiers stormed the stage Friday night and performed for a capacity audience at Gaza City’s Palestine Stadium. Playing a toe tapping set that brought the crowd of ten thousand current and...
27-year-old New Jersey native, Tony Marini, was taken into custody by the FBI earlier today under suspicion of connections to the terrorist organization, Hamas. Marini has been denying the association since his arrest. The connection in question? Marini’s HBOGo account. A months-long FBI sting uncovered the fact that Hamas leader, Khaled Mashal, has been watching Game of Thrones via Marini’s...
Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said on Thursday that his office had drafted a law to ban annoying habits ruled to be ‘anti-revolutionary’ by the country’s ruling mullahs. “When I’m at mosque praying with all my heart for the destruction of the corrupt Zionist regime, there’s nothing more nerve-wracking than when some putz bowing next to me starts chewing gum,” remarked...
Hard partying senior level diplomats in Vienna have brought the Iranian nuclear talks to a screeching halt. An outbreak of laryngitis has been diagnosed as causing the sudden derailment of negotiations over Iran’s atomic ambitions. On Saturday night, British Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond and French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius were seen slam dancing during ’80s night at Fledermaus, one of...
A recent study from the Hebrew University in Jerusalem has found that the ongoing ‘silent Intifada’ is a direct result of Palestinian leaders’ so-called ‘micro-penis complex’. The study’s head researcher Dr. Avi Cohen explained; “There is nothing more phallic than terror attacks, you know, apart from actual penises. Stabbing at something and exploding onto or into people are both highly...
Following the row in his coalition around the ‘Jewish State Bill’ that would have placed Israel’s status as a Jewish State ahead of its commitment to democracy, Prime Minister Netanyahu hoped to lessen tensions with a Bill making Israel the Nation State of Falafel. “Falafel is the national food of Israel and of the Jewish people. It is our unifying...
On the heels of declaring her kneidlach a “violation of the Convention Against Landmines” and her homemade pickles as “barely skirting the biological weapons ban,” The Human Rights Council voted overwhelmingly Tuesday to declare Bubbie’s brisket a “war crime.” Council President Baudelaire Ndong Ella of Gabon made the announcement declaring that “the time had come. The Council cannot sit idle...
In a scene which aroused smug smiles from the Orthodox Rabbinate and shock and horror from his colleagues, Rabbi Louis Bluck of Ft. Lauderdale’s Congregation Beit Hazerie was seen converting any gentile on which he could lay hands. “I was just coming out after a nosh,” reported witness Herb Rappaport. “And there’s Rabbi Bluck on Sterling Place converting this Latin...
In a regrettable distraction from their coverage of Kim Kardashian’s booty size, CNN has been forced into numerous rewrites of a headline for their story on the murder of several Jews in Jerusalem. “Deadly attack on a Jerusalem Mosque” read the original headline, only to be followed by another beauty of a screwed up headline, “4 Israelis, 2 Palestinians killed...
With Israeli police on high alert amid riots in Jerusalem and Galilee, it is being reported that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has invited Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas on a roadtrip to Las Vegas in an attempt to diffuse rising tensions between Jerusalem and Ramallah. “Vegas, baby!” is how a letter allegedly written late last week by Netanyahu to...
As the United States Supreme Court considers Jerusalem’s status on US passports, the Israeli government is seeking to deflate the negative connotations long associated with its capital city by submitting a referendum to the citizens of Israel that will decide on a new name and motto for the current ‘Jerusalem: God’s Feisty Kitty’. While not a single Israeli government ministry...
Members of a Congolese mob which stoned to death a suspected ISIS member then ate him have confirmed that irony is alive and well in sub-Sahara Africa. Baba Booboo, a member of the crowd commented, “Pork, definitely pork. Not the best BBQ I’ve ever had, but to be fair cooking conditions were not ideal, what with the general ugly mood...
MTV have recently confirmed that production of #RichKidsOfTeheran is now in progress, as the producers are fresh out of ideas when it comes to airing any more preposterous and shallow reality shows and admit that perhaps it is time to ‘walk the Red Line,’ as the show is ‘likely to be bombastic.’ #RichKidsOfTeheran is targeted at the Middle Eastern teen...
Nablus, West Bank – A Hamas charity BBQ featuring 6,000 lbs. of ‘mystery meat’ drew a huge throng of Palestinians this weekend in Nablus. Local Hamas official, Ibrahim el-Porcinada rejected claims that the IDF-supplied BBQ, donated by the Van Camps Bean Company, was actually pork by saying, “Don’t be ridikumus (sic) the Israelis wouldn’t touch pig meat; we’re all Semitic!...
