Culture

After Super Bowl-Ending Play Call, Seahawks Coach Hired by State Department
,

After Super Bowl-Ending Play Call, Seahawks Coach Hired by State Department

Following his ill-fated decision to throw a pass from the 1-yard line in Super Bowl XLIX, Seattle Seahawks Coach Pete Carroll has been offered a position with the U.S. State Department as John Kerry’s undersecretary. “After witnessing Coach Carroll’s decision-making at the end of the game Sunday, we determined he’d be a great fit in Foggy Bottom,” President Obama announced...

Iranian Government to Broadcast Commercial during Super Bowl 2015
,

Iranian Government to Broadcast Commercial during Super Bowl 2015

Super Bowl commercials for 2015 have been rolling out ahead of the big game on Sunday and, surprisingly, an ad by the Islamic Republic of Iran promoting the lifting of all sanctions against the country is generating some serious buzz. Produced by Iran’s Ministry of Barely Existent Tourism, the spot compares the increasingly moderate policies of the government in Tehran...

Raqqa, Syria twins with President Obama’s US birthplace
,

Raqqa, Syria twins with President Obama’s US birthplace

In a move aimed at bringing greater understanding between their communities, the mayors of Raqqa, Syria and Honolulu, Hawaii have announced that the two cities will be twinned. Speaking at separate ceremonies in the two locations because of last minute visa difficulties, the two mayors said that the twinning arrangement would allow for greater cultural awareness between the two communities...

Cartoonists Riot in Revenge Attack
,

Cartoonists Riot in Revenge Attack

Satirical cartoonist gangs yesterday rioted across Europe through Muslim neighborhoods in an apparent revenge attacks. At press time, 43 Muslims were reported dead, 110 injured, and an uncounted number viciously lampooned. Muslim leaders and politicians called on cartoonists to condemn the rioters. “If satirical cartoonists wish to live in Britain, they must integrate into British civilization,” declared Prime Minister David...

Miss America Faces Criticism for Selfie with Miss Taliban
,

Miss America Faces Criticism for Selfie with Miss Taliban

Following the uproar surrounding her photo at the Miss Universe Pageant, Miss America told The Israeli Daily that she did not mean to pose with Miss Taliban and was simply taking a picture with several other models when the Taliban’s representative jumped into the frame. “I was posing for a nice picture with my good friends – Miss Saudi Arabia,...

Saudis learn lessons from Vatican in leadership change
,

Saudis learn lessons from Vatican in leadership change

The Saudi Royal Court said today that it had been taking advice from Vatican officials in how to handle transition in a gerontocracy (a government run by old farts). The sad news of the demise of 90’ish King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz‎ was quickly followed by the pronouncement that he will be succeeded by his spritely 79-year old half-brother Salman. A...

Al-Baghdadi to Leave Iraq and Relocate ISIS to Birmingham, England
,

Al-Baghdadi to Leave Iraq and Relocate ISIS to Birmingham, England

Following a Fox News report revealing that the British city of Birmingham has rid itself completely of infidels, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced the Islamic caliphate will be moved from Iraq to the United Kingdom. “I thought the success of the Islamic State was revolutionary, rivaled only by the age of the Prophet Muhammad and his companions,” al-Baghdadi told...

Orthodox Israeli Newspaper Likes a Girl
,

Orthodox Israeli Newspaper Likes a Girl

Orthodox Newspaper The Announcer has developed a bit of a crush on Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt. The adolescent media outlet was reportedly being made to feel ‘all funny down there’ by the blond beauty, after being caught cropping her from photographs of the Paris unity march for Charlie Hebdo this week. The spotty periodical commented, “I don’t want to...

English city’s embargo of Israel foiled by lack of things they want
,

English city’s embargo of Israel foiled by lack of things they want

The upcoming embargo of the Eastern Mediterranean party country (also known as Israel) has been wrecked from the start by a lack of things they would actually ever want. The call by professional despot groupie George Galloway for the Northern English city to become “Israel Free” has been greeted by widespread shoulder shrugging and excessive “huh’s?” across the sun drenched...

Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup
, ,

Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup

Restored diplomatic ties in the Gulf have allowed Qatar to put in a delicate request for aid with neighbour the UAE The Mideast Beast has learnt. Speaking on condition of anonymity a high-ranking Qatari official told TMB that the country was requesting aid in securing an important service for the upcoming Soccer World Cup. “After a ‘lessons learned’ briefing from officials that...

“Excusez-moi” Chant Jewish Ghosts Marching in Paris
,

“Excusez-moi” Chant Jewish Ghosts Marching in Paris

In the wake of the outpouring of grief and horror at the murders carried out against the staff of Charlie Hebdo, several ghosts of Jewish terror victims were seen marching down Paris’s Champs-Elysees. The march started quite small. “We are really pretty used to being ignored,” observed the ghost of Rabbi Jonathan Sandler as he walked hand in hand with...

Hamas Condemnation of Charlie Hebdo a Satirical Bit
,

Hamas Condemnation of Charlie Hebdo a Satirical Bit

Hamas’s condemnation of the attack on the French satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo’s offices is itself a warped attempt at satire, The Mideast Beast reports. “With Qatar evicting [Hamas political leader] Khaled Mashal, we’re on the market for a new kingdom. Hamas is thus aligning itself with Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin and the Pope, all of whom have come out in strong support...

Mid-East Leaders Condemn Paris Shooting, Saying Only the Government is Allowed Prevent Free Speech
,

Mid-East Leaders Condemn Paris Shooting, Saying Only the Government is Allowed Prevent Free Speech

Leaders from across the Middle East unequivocally condemned the murder of 12 French citizens at the offices of a satirical newspaper, declaring the murder of journalists to be the job of the government alone. “The Egyptian people and government are appalled by the terrorist act that the French capital witnessed today,” said Egyptian President Abdel al-Sisi, whose government is currently...

Je suis Charlie Hebdo
,

Je suis Charlie Hebdo

Stephane “Charb” Charbonnier, the Editor of the French satirical newspaper, Charlie Hebdo once said, “Disarm them with humor”. He and his team at Charlie Hebdo lived by that motto as they fought against fanaticism and fought for pluralism for nearly 25 years until they were brutally murdered in their office in Paris. Once again, the world witnessed the losses and grief...

Tired of Being Surrounded by Hipsters, Brooklyn Man Moves To Tel Aviv

Tired of Being Surrounded by Hipsters, Brooklyn Man Moves To Tel Aviv

Fed up with being surrounded by Hipsters, Williamsburg native Jacob Rothstein finally pulled the trigger and booked a one-way ticket to Tel Aviv. “I just can’t take it anymore,” Mr Rothstein said. “Everywhere I look, I see people in flannel and skinny jeans. Brooklyn is filled with trendy café after trendy café, all populated mid-week with millennia’s smoking cigarettes and...

Turkish President: Israeli Women Should Cook for their Men

Turkish President: Israeli Women Should Cook for their Men

Turkey’s president, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, has accused the Israeli government of bribing its women to pursue careers outside of motherhood so as to leave the country’s male population hungry, frustrated and fixing for a fight. Erdogan mocked Israel’s image as a liberated, democratic society, noting that “They call it ‘equality.’ Please. Historically speaking, well fed, pampered, sexually satisfied men have...

With Joan Rivers Gone, Search for Next Loud-Mouth Jew Begins
,

With Joan Rivers Gone, Search for Next Loud-Mouth Jew Begins

In what was a sad turn of events for Israel supporters around the world in 2014, comedienne Joan Rivers passed away at the age of 81. “She was all we had. Literally that was it. She was really one of us. She spoke with lots of hand motions, insulting multiple people and ethnicities at once, and wasn’t necessarily right,” said...