Culture

English city’s embargo of Israel foiled by lack of things they want
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English city’s embargo of Israel foiled by lack of things they want

The upcoming embargo of the Eastern Mediterranean party country (also known as Israel) has been wrecked from the start by a lack of things they would actually ever want. The call by professional despot groupie George Galloway for the Northern English city to become “Israel Free” has been greeted by widespread shoulder shrugging and excessive “huh’s?” across the sun drenched...

Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup
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Qatar Appeals for Help in Attracting Service Professionals for World Cup

Restored diplomatic ties in the Gulf have allowed Qatar to put in a delicate request for aid with neighbour the UAE The Mideast Beast has learnt. Speaking on condition of anonymity a high-ranking Qatari official told TMB that the country was requesting aid in securing an important service for the upcoming Soccer World Cup. “After a ‘lessons learned’ briefing from officials that...

“Excusez-moi” Chant Jewish Ghosts Marching in Paris
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“Excusez-moi” Chant Jewish Ghosts Marching in Paris

In the wake of the outpouring of grief and horror at the murders carried out against the staff of Charlie Hebdo, several ghosts of Jewish terror victims were seen marching down Paris’s Champs-Elysees. The march started quite small. “We are really pretty used to being ignored,” observed the ghost of Rabbi Jonathan Sandler as he walked hand in hand with...

Hamas Condemnation of Charlie Hebdo a Satirical Bit
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Hamas Condemnation of Charlie Hebdo a Satirical Bit

Hamas’s condemnation of the attack on the French satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo’s offices is itself a warped attempt at satire, The Mideast Beast reports. “With Qatar evicting [Hamas political leader] Khaled Mashal, we’re on the market for a new kingdom. Hamas is thus aligning itself with Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin and the Pope, all of whom have come out in strong support...

Mid-East Leaders Condemn Paris Shooting, Saying Only the Government is Allowed Prevent Free Speech
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Mid-East Leaders Condemn Paris Shooting, Saying Only the Government is Allowed Prevent Free Speech

Leaders from across the Middle East unequivocally condemned the murder of 12 French citizens at the offices of a satirical newspaper, declaring the murder of journalists to be the job of the government alone. “The Egyptian people and government are appalled by the terrorist act that the French capital witnessed today,” said Egyptian President Abdel al-Sisi, whose government is currently...

Je suis Charlie Hebdo
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Je suis Charlie Hebdo

Stephane “Charb” Charbonnier, the Editor of the French satirical newspaper, Charlie Hebdo once said, “Disarm them with humor”. He and his team at Charlie Hebdo lived by that motto as they fought against fanaticism and fought for pluralism for nearly 25 years until they were brutally murdered in their office in Paris. Once again, the world witnessed the losses and grief...

Tired of Being Surrounded by Hipsters, Brooklyn Man Moves To Tel Aviv

Tired of Being Surrounded by Hipsters, Brooklyn Man Moves To Tel Aviv

Fed up with being surrounded by Hipsters, Williamsburg native Jacob Rothstein finally pulled the trigger and booked a one-way ticket to Tel Aviv. “I just can’t take it anymore,” Mr Rothstein said. “Everywhere I look, I see people in flannel and skinny jeans. Brooklyn is filled with trendy café after trendy café, all populated mid-week with millennia’s smoking cigarettes and...

Turkish President: Israeli Women Should Cook for their Men

Turkish President: Israeli Women Should Cook for their Men

Turkey’s president, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, has accused the Israeli government of bribing its women to pursue careers outside of motherhood so as to leave the country’s male population hungry, frustrated and fixing for a fight. Erdogan mocked Israel’s image as a liberated, democratic society, noting that “They call it ‘equality.’ Please. Historically speaking, well fed, pampered, sexually satisfied men have...

With Joan Rivers Gone, Search for Next Loud-Mouth Jew Begins
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With Joan Rivers Gone, Search for Next Loud-Mouth Jew Begins

In what was a sad turn of events for Israel supporters around the world in 2014, comedienne Joan Rivers passed away at the age of 81. “She was all we had. Literally that was it. She was really one of us. She spoke with lots of hand motions, insulting multiple people and ethnicities at once, and wasn’t necessarily right,” said...

Italian New Official Language of the Middle East
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Italian New Official Language of the Middle East

Taking a break from setting up secret military camps in Middle America, the United Nations has confirmed that beginning in 2015 Italian will be the formal language for all Middle Eastern nations. Explaining the dictate, Jonathan Bourg, Head of World Domination, said, “We’ve been thinking a lot about why things over there just won’t calm the fuck down. Some say...

ISIS Sends Ominous Christmas Tweet to United States
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ISIS Sends Ominous Christmas Tweet to United States

Paraphrasing pop star Mariah Carey’s yuletide classic, the Islamist militant group ISIS sent this threatening message to America and its allies over the Holidays: “#Season’sGreetingfromISIStoUS #CommanderInThief All we want for Christmas…is you. Hope your holiday is full of surprises. pic.twitter.com/LMAO420q69” The tweet features several disturbing images of ISIS fighters preparing for their next engagement by inflating balloons, swearing at each other...

Nature Documentarians Capture Rare Footage of Russian Dictator Engaging in Dominance Behavior

Nature Documentarians Capture Rare Footage of Russian Dictator Engaging in Dominance Behavior

Scientists have been delighted by new footage of the Dictator Russian in its natural habitat, ‘the global summit’. Various members of the genus Dictator were once so common that they were considered vermin. Indeed, until recently, the Russian species was thought all but extinct. “Every nature filmmaker dreams about capturing this kind of footage,” declared Hans Treeugger. “We set up our blind to blend in. You can’t...

Iranian Regime Criminalizes Annoying Habits

Iranian Regime Criminalizes Annoying Habits

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said on Thursday that his office had drafted a law to ban annoying habits ruled to be ‘anti-revolutionary’ by the country’s ruling mullahs. “When I’m at mosque praying with all my heart for the destruction of the corrupt Zionist regime, there’s nothing more nerve-wracking than when some putz bowing next to me starts chewing gum,” remarked...

Iran Nuclear Talks Abandoned as a Result of ABBA Concert
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Iran Nuclear Talks Abandoned as a Result of ABBA Concert

Hard partying senior level diplomats in Vienna have brought the Iranian nuclear talks to a screeching halt. An outbreak of laryngitis has been diagnosed as causing the sudden derailment of negotiations over Iran’s atomic ambitions. On Saturday night, British Foreign Secretary Philip Hammond and French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius were seen slam dancing during ’80s night at Fledermaus, one of...

UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”
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UN Human Rights Council Declares Bubbie’s Brisket a “War Crime”

On the heels of declaring her kneidlach a “violation of the Convention Against Landmines” and her homemade pickles as “barely skirting the biological weapons ban,” The Human Rights Council voted overwhelmingly Tuesday to declare Bubbie’s brisket a “war crime.” Council President Baudelaire Ndong Ella of Gabon made the announcement declaring that “the time had come. The Council cannot sit idle...

Conservative Rabbi Converting Every Thing He Sees

Conservative Rabbi Converting Every Thing He Sees

In a scene which aroused smug smiles from the Orthodox Rabbinate and shock and horror from his colleagues, Rabbi Louis Bluck of Ft. Lauderdale’s Congregation Beit Hazerie was seen converting any gentile on which he could lay hands. “I was just coming out after a nosh,” reported witness Herb Rappaport. “And there’s Rabbi Bluck on Sterling Place converting this Latin...

CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift
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CNN apologizes for giving “balance” short shrift

In a regrettable distraction from their coverage of Kim Kardashian’s booty size, CNN has been forced into numerous rewrites of a headline for their story on the murder of several Jews in Jerusalem. “Deadly attack on a Jerusalem Mosque” read the original headline, only to be followed by another beauty of a screwed up headline, “4 Israelis, 2 Palestinians killed...

ISIS Tastes Like Pork Confirms Congolese Crowd
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ISIS Tastes Like Pork Confirms Congolese Crowd

Members of a Congolese mob which stoned to death a suspected ISIS member then ate him have confirmed that irony is alive and well in sub-Sahara Africa. Baba Booboo, a member of the crowd commented, “Pork, definitely pork. Not the best BBQ I’ve ever had, but to be fair cooking conditions were not ideal, what with the general ugly mood...

MTV to pick up #RichKidsOfTeheran as their latest reality show

MTV to pick up #RichKidsOfTeheran as their latest reality show

MTV have recently confirmed that production of #RichKidsOfTeheran is now in progress, as the producers are fresh out of ideas when it comes to airing any more preposterous and shallow reality shows and admit that perhaps it is time to ‘walk the Red Line,’ as the show is ‘likely to be bombastic.’ #RichKidsOfTeheran is targeted at the Middle Eastern teen...